(no subject)
My Grandma died last night.
My uncle called at 3AM but my Mom didn't have the heart to wake me and my sister up until this morning. She probably died in her sleep. She was 86 years old. Outlived her husband, my grandpa, by 15 years. My mom has no parents now. For christmas, I bought my yarn so we can make socks for her, but now she'll never get to wear them. My mom is booking her flight right now and I'll be driving her to the airport later this evening. She doesn't want anyone to go with her. She's taking the news really well. We were going to visit her in May this year... I haven't talked to her in forever.
And I'm so selfish because what's running through my head is that I have to cancel plans with people for the day. I was going to go see bull riding the last day its in town... and now no one is going. I was going to visit Tyler tonight. But that's not happening either.
Death makes me feel so helpless, as if I didn't feel out of control without it. I just want to go to Ukraine with my mom. I want to see my grandma one last time. I want to hold her hand at the funeral, I want to help her talk to guests when she doesn't feel like it. And on the selfish side, I want to travel, I want to take pictures of the city. I don't want to be where I am. I want to do what I can.
I've realized lately that my bluntness comes across in a negative fashion. I've always thought that skipping all that bull and just saying what I think or want just saves time, and would be refreshing to people. But no, people like the arbitrary courtesies established by our society to draw out the simplest of conversations and events.
And I know I'm selfish. I miss her. But that's not the only thought running through my head, just the predominant one.
My mom said she died in her sleep most probably. And that she might have had cancer. They're not sure if they're doing an autopsy yet. I'm still going to try and see if I can get to the funeral.
Antonia Gorovaya, may you rest peacefully.
............................
Just talked to my mom again, she booked my flight and I'm going with her. I'm going to help her through this. I'm going to try to be the daughter I know I should be.
My uncle called at 3AM but my Mom didn't have the heart to wake me and my sister up until this morning. She probably died in her sleep. She was 86 years old. Outlived her husband, my grandpa, by 15 years. My mom has no parents now. For christmas, I bought my yarn so we can make socks for her, but now she'll never get to wear them. My mom is booking her flight right now and I'll be driving her to the airport later this evening. She doesn't want anyone to go with her. She's taking the news really well. We were going to visit her in May this year... I haven't talked to her in forever.
And I'm so selfish because what's running through my head is that I have to cancel plans with people for the day. I was going to go see bull riding the last day its in town... and now no one is going. I was going to visit Tyler tonight. But that's not happening either.
Death makes me feel so helpless, as if I didn't feel out of control without it. I just want to go to Ukraine with my mom. I want to see my grandma one last time. I want to hold her hand at the funeral, I want to help her talk to guests when she doesn't feel like it. And on the selfish side, I want to travel, I want to take pictures of the city. I don't want to be where I am. I want to do what I can.
I've realized lately that my bluntness comes across in a negative fashion. I've always thought that skipping all that bull and just saying what I think or want just saves time, and would be refreshing to people. But no, people like the arbitrary courtesies established by our society to draw out the simplest of conversations and events.
And I know I'm selfish. I miss her. But that's not the only thought running through my head, just the predominant one.
My mom said she died in her sleep most probably. And that she might have had cancer. They're not sure if they're doing an autopsy yet. I'm still going to try and see if I can get to the funeral.
Antonia Gorovaya, may you rest peacefully.
............................
Just talked to my mom again, she booked my flight and I'm going with her. I'm going to help her through this. I'm going to try to be the daughter I know I should be.