Happy Anniversary to me.
Talking on the phone with my husband is the only way we can spend our 6th anniversary together. You'd think it would translate to nicer conversations, but alas, it does not. Every time I talk to him it involves some criticism. However small and trival it might be its still not fun to listen to. Just tonight I call and he sounds so distracted because he's watching some football game. I say well I will let you go and all of a sudden he is paying attention. At one point he says he has been trying to do his laundry all day but the washer is always taken. I mention when I am caught up on the laundry it seems like just 2 days go by and I am out of clothes. "Well yeah, thats what happens when you change clothes everyday." Huh, wtf? "I mean throughout the day," he corrects. "Well yeah I say, depending on what I am doing. After I mow the lawn, weed the garden, get sweaty." Why does it seem like nothing I do is right, nothing I do is good enough. The man finds fault in everything I do. I don't buy the right brand of toilet paper, I didn't mow the lawn in straight lines, I change clothes too much, the meals I make are too fancy, I spent $1 on flip flops when I have enough shoes, maybe I cleaned the livingroom but I didn't clean the office, I didn't make the bed when I got out of it, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. I get bitched at when I buy snacks : "you know I need to lose weight." I get bitched at when I DON'T buy snacks : "there's nothing to eat." I even got bitched at because I make the meals TOO square, "why do you always have to have a protein, a veggie and a starch?" I get bitched at because my cooking is too fattening but when I lighten it up he doesn't want to eat it. The couch cushions are lumpy, I messed up the checking account, something broke on one of the cars. I feel like I am the source of every shitting thing that goes wrong in the universe. Nothing I do is good enough, everything thing gets picked apart and criticized. Ok fine, I WON'T change clothes, then he will complain that I stink. I take too many showers, I don't like scary movies, I don't drink, my sex drive isn't high enough. Why the hell is he with me? It seems like I never do anything right. Everything I do is either NOT ENOUGH or TOO MUCH. Grrrrr. He ends the conversation with "I love you" and I want to scream "NO YOU DON'T, all you do is complain about me. What EXACTLY do you love about me?" Its not for my looks, my cooking, my cleaning abilities. Its definitely not for my upbeat positive attitude because I think that annoys him. Its not for my mothering, I'm "too soft on Emily", I don't "carry through", I'm not "strict enough". I let her "get away with too much". He doesn't like our house, he doesn't like our pets, he yells at Emily constantly, and me, well do I have to offer? I am not one of those needy women who want to hear a laundry list of all my adored qualities, I don't need to be told 900 times that you love me, I don't need romantic get-aways or lavish presents. I don't need diamond rings or for you to put your jacket over a puddle so I don't get my feet wet. I don't need anything grand, I just want to feel like I'm ... enough.
I feel like a little ant, always trying to avoid his big shoes, always trying to avoid being stepped on.
Currently reading :
The Dark Tower (The Dark Tower, Book 7)
By Stephen King
Release date: By 01 November, 2005
