crost posted from my new blog
http://theboyinsideme.blogspot.com/
I like e-bloger a lot better than bloging in Live J so i'm going to write in that one but crost post in here. I'm going to try to get myself to start writeing stuff down as reading other people's stuff helps me out so much and it is good therapy to get it down.
I have been on T just over 3 months now and I’m finding that I’m living my life one T shot at a time. People always say you have to take life one day at a time so maybe it’s my way of holding on to my dream of my body and voice making sense. Like so many I have only been able to look at myself in the bathroom with out crying for a year now. I can see a boy more and more everyday and with that a part of me heals and I let go of pain I stored deeply away so I didn’t have to feel it. And when I let go of that pain I learn more about myself. So what I see now has a list of things that I can be proud of. I am starting to like my jaw line. I have always had a more male looking jaw line but I had fem fat over it hiding it and that seems to be moving off into my gut which is kinda like the land where all the lost shocks go but in my case body fat lol I like my shoulders. When I get that really great blind going the way my shoulders look in a good dress shirt makes me feel like a man and not just a boy and a dam cute one at that. I like that my hips seem to be looking smaller. Partly because I naturally have smaller hips and because of fat moveing around. I wear low rise jeans now and somehow I manage to look like I’m really well hang sometimes which makes me feel so sexy. I like it when gay boys notice it and want me. Somehow my self wroth goes way up now when cute gay men want me and see me as a boy. I want them to want me just because it makes me feel more inside myself I’m seen as a boy and a cute one at that. I’m still experiencing a lot of pain when having to talk on the phone. I hate talking on the phone when it’s someone that doesn’t know me and can’t see the boy through the voice. Each time someone calls me miss or something like that on the phone I want to hit something. There is this pain that over takes me that wants to scream out. Wants to make them feel my pain. Wants to yell out I’m a boy fucking look at me I’m a boy and I have never been anything else. I think this comes from growing up and not really understanding what was going on and why they where trying to put me in dresses and not the other boys. It felt like some horrible april fools joke that just wouldn’t stop no matter how much I was crying inside. And like I was when I was little I get shocked when I’m treated any way but a boy and even tho I remember why they treat me that way the boy in me can’t understand why and gets angry every time. My voice should start breaking soon and I will be able to let go of my fear of phones once I get a voice that makes sense.