Theory Of Convergence: Veronica Mars: V/L
Theory Of Convergence
[13] Patience Is A Virtue
This is part two of two.
Part one is here.
There is no way to know what is going to happen when they’re finally alone together but Veronica can’t stand the tension any longer. She rocks on her toes as she waits for her father and Logan to finish their lengthy farewell before her impatience wins and she cuts them short, pressing her hands to Logan’s back and leading him towards the front door. An odd silence fills the air for the longest three seconds of Veronica’s life before Logan turns around and grabs hold of her, spinning her over the threshold and out into the warm summer night.
“Where were we?” he chuckles, holding her waist in his large hands as he moves her down the long porch and sets her gently down on the wicker couch, his gaze never leaving her.
“Logan,” she breathes out her protest, scarcely containing her grin.
“What?” he asks playfully, curling up his long leg and setting himself to face her, his head resting on the wall above the couch where he smiles that smile, staring directly into her eyes.
“Uh, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but…”
“I’m thinking,” he interrupts, tracing her jaw line with his finger, “that I want to continue where we left off.”
“That is definitely not a good idea,” she murmurs, barely able to finish her objection before Logan leans in and slides his hands to either side of her face, brushing his lips lightly across her forehead.
“Feels like a good idea,” he asserts quietly, his breath playing against her skin. Nodding silently in response, Veronica’s eyes flutter closed involuntarily and her heart races like the wings of a humming bird, pumping seemingly every ounce of blood directly into her face. She can feel her lips trying to move but as though numbed by Novocain, what she’s telling them to do and what they’re actually doing - hanging open like her brain has been frozen by the same drug - are two different things.
So all she can do is stare up at Logan and wait for him to continue, which takes a turn as he seems suddenly apprehensive and aware, his eyes searching hers. Cocking his head, his brow furrowed, Logan acknowledges the shift, and admits, “Uh… not the reaction I was expecting.”
The guilt is immediate, which sends her eyes darting away and her heart to her throat. Taking a deep breath she exhales in an attempt to calm her nerves and begs her brain to think of just the right words, which is fruitless since no matter how she says what she’s thinking, the “right” words will only end what has barely begun.
“Hmm,” Logan mutters, slipping his hands from her face and dropping his gaze, making Veronica realize that she’s capable of ending any possibility of affection between them non-verbally as well.
When the silence starts killing her she blurts, “I was just thinking that… well, that it might be best if we don’t spend so much time alone.” Biting her lip and staring down at the tiny space of cushion that separates them, she clarifies, “Together.”
“And there’s that voice of reason,” Logan replies looking up from beneath his brow, his voice tinged with hurt, “I was wondering where it had gotten off to.”
“This sucks for me too, Logan,” she defends, feigning a confidence that is sold out by her breaking voice.
“So take it back,” he begs through a whisper, his jaw clenching as he seems to swallow down whatever else he meant to say.
Having Logan’s concentrated stare directly on her doesn’t help Veronica’s train of thought, does nothing to ease her anxiety, so she looks away and steels herself - preparing for his reaction to what she’s about to say - swallowing hard she affirms, “Even if I did,” she stops, pressing her eyes closed again before admitting, “…they’re still coming home.”
Waiting for him to respond, Veronica continues to keep her eyes shut until she notices his hand is now cradling her cheek and feels his thumb lightly brushing her skin as he rests his forehead on hers. Then a breathy laugh escapes him just before he confesses, “I was sort of hoping we could ignore that part.”
“I tried…” she begins, her ragged chuckle giving away her discomfort, which she plays off, quickly turning on her best sly expression and teasing lilt, “…but unless Celeste decides to enroll Duncan in some shi-shi Swiss boarding school - and Lilly in a convent - they’ll be here to greet us our first day back at Neptune High… expecting things to be exactly as they left them.”
“Little late for that,” he offers, refusing her attempt at shifting gears and pulling back enough to look directly at her and emphasize his point or read her expression, she’s not sure.
“I’m serious Logan,” she commands half-heartedly.
“So am I,” he dares, keeping his eyes locked on her, his hand on her cheek, seemingly waiting for her to just change her mind and concede already, which reminds her of one of the things Logan does that Duncan doesn’t… challenge her.
And now she’s irritated. Partly at Logan for outright tempting her - and for being so damn willing to surrender everything they know - giving her no option but to be the bad guy, “the voice of reason”. Although she’s equally as irritated with Lilly and Celeste, hell, the whole Kane family for their stupid, invented crises - the effects of which seem to radiate from them like fall-out from an atom bomb, impacting every living soul within a thirty mile radius - and how they still somehow manage to be the center of her universe despite being thousands of miles away.
But, truth be told, she’s also pretty well pissed at herself for even bothering to give one thought to anything but her own feelings when everyone around her seems completely content caring only about what makes them happy.
In the midst of her strangely bitter reverie Veronica notices that Logan has slowly inched nearer to her, his free arm is now strung across the back of the couch, fingers whisking along her bare shoulder and the tension emanates off him in waves, or maybe it’s her. Either way all the things she was thinking just seconds ago have disappeared into the ether replaced with incoherent mental flashes - something about how nice Logan smells or how close his lips are - and she’s finding it hard to concentrate on anything but him.
Veronica suddenly finds herself unable to move, to even blink and the only sounds she can discern is the faint hum of traffic on the highway over the hills and Logan’s steady breathing -rhythmic puffs of breath hot on the skin of her cheek as he leans in - which triggers a swell of fear inside of her and she suddenly, desperately, croaks, “I’m scared Logan,” catching them both completely off-guard - her especially since she swears she was just contemplating how a kiss wouldn’t kill either one of them because really who would know - and stops him from moving any further.
Almost like he was expecting this he rolls his eyes upward, exhaling “Scared of what?”
Duncan never talking to me again. Lilly hating me… Losing you.
All true thoughts and none she wants to admit out loud. Especially the last. Just the idea of avoiding Logan for the next few weeks - not being able to see him until school begins - makes it difficult to catch her breath but the thought of never being near him like this again, ever… well, it fills her with the most horrible sensation, a dread-filled nausea she can barely stand.
“Veronica?” he urges, his mouth still close to her ear.
A breath shudders from her, releasing some of the pressure and she quickly surfs her mental notes, all the things she could say - the many things she’s realized, confronted since the Kane’s left - and figuring out how much to tell Logan.
Like, for instance, how she had planned on going to see him after dinner. Mostly because she couldn’t stand the wondering, or the thought that he might be mad at her, but also because she missed him. Or how after a long, lonely day spent contemplating life, her shoes and Big Brother, she actually considered - for a brief, weakened second - texting Duncan to tell him she needed space. Or how thirty seconds after that she somehow convinced herself that both she and Logan need to see their respective Kanes to make sure neither one of them is merely lonesome or pathetic or both and that what they want is each other, regardless.
But none of that is really going to help. It will only encourage Logan, make him think she can handle something more than what this is right now. Bowing her head she breathes out, “Being alone with you,” answering his long ago question.
Not entirely true but true enough.
“You’re afraid to be alone with me,” he clarifies, not asking, just stating it as though it will become clearer if he says it out loud. But he’s obviously confused and probably aggravated as well. So she pushes herself off the couch, crossing her arms before turning around just in time to see Logan’s face go cold.
“We’re friends,” he chokes, “right?” He pleads as though he’s not actually sure of their status anymore, and Veronica gets a sick feeling in her stomach.
“Of course,” she defends, sad and stunned that he would think otherwise.
“Friends hang out, Veronica. Go to parties, have dinner.”
“It’s different now… I feel different,” she confesses, her brain going at hyper-speed trying to figure a way out of what she’s just said which is immediately and obviously impossible so she gulps down a breath and says, “…I don’t know what happened. Or when. Maybe that night at Ashley’s… or after lunch with my dad…” she admits with a shrug, immediately noticing his eyes flicker, his hands fidget and she considers how it is that they didn’t kiss that day, after the rain-soaked run and the heated moment in the entrance, but even more strange is how they’ve managed to make it until now, through the myriad opportunities they’ve had. A thought that sends butterflies swirling in her stomach, followed by a twinge of disappointment, “… but something changed.”
With her words his expression instantly shifts. His eyes are soft now and the hint of a smile curls the corner of his lips as he gets up and crosses the porch to be closer to her. “Okay. And?” he presses, stepping in to slide a gentle touch down her arm.
“And I should have stopped it,” she gestures between them, “This.” Immediately Logan retracts his hand, his face registering confusion.
“Why?” he asks, voice tight with frustration. “Because hanging out with you isn’t hanging out with my friend Logan anymore.”
“’Kay…” he says, eyes mapping her face, “Uh, I’m confused, Veronica. Because earlier it seemed like we’d come to an understanding.”
“Yeah. That we both want things we shouldn’t.”
“So that’s what you were thinking when we were setting the table? O-or just a few minutes ago when you were sitting close enough for me to smell your shampoo?” he questions, waiting a second to let the words sink in before continuing, “Because I got the sense you were thinking something else.”
“I was!” she admits, the profession sending shock waves through her. But while the thrumming of her heart is loud inside her head she’s done it, confessed and the way he’s looking at her right now makes her want to tell him everything, get it all off her chest. “God Logan, don’t you get it? I shouldn’t want this. Lilly and Duncan mean I’m not allowed to want this and every time we’re near each other I do.”
Pressing his lips together Logan seems to be working up to something, considering his words possibly.
Rubbing his eyes he takes a breath and leans back on the porch column opposite Veronica, not looking directly at her when he quietly asks, “So what are we going to do?”
The strain of hurt in his voice is obvious, breaking Veronica’s heart.
When he peeks up from beneath his brow she can tell he’s trying to read her, almost hopeful as he searches her face. But in the same moment his eyes begin to glisten and he seems suddenly apprehensive shoving his hands deep into his pockets and dropping his gaze back to his shoes.
“If we aren’t alone then nothing can happen,” she says - as though that will make it better - and the second the words slip from her she feels the need to scream or throw up. Her voice sounds so… foreign, like this person that’s speaking right now has hi-jacked her body and that she, the real Veronica, is in there somewhere wishing the bitch would just shut up.
“Right,” Logan puffs a withered response.
Looking suddenly broken Logan opens his mouth slightly, explores her eyes with his and Veronica figures he’s about to begin a monologue espousing all the ways she’s wrong. But something in his expression is off, and instead of arguing - challenging her like she was expecting - he just studies her for a moment until, finally, he exhales a shuddering breath, and his shoulders droop in defeat.
“Whatever makes you happy,” he concedes as he hefts himself up from the column, instantly removing several feet of space from between them. But despite the physical closeness, to her he couldn’t feel more distant; his hands remain in his pockets, eyes set on some point far away and Veronica is instantly uncomfortable, feeling like in that second something changed and she’s not privy to what it was.
“Logan, it’s not that I…”
“Stop. Please.” Even through the whisper she can hear his voice break. “I just… I need to go.”
“Logan?”
“I had a great time tonight… really great,” he says, pointedly looking at her over his shoulder as he turns to go. “Tell your mom and dad I said ‘thanks’,” he continues as he heads up the walk, never looking back.
***
Any radical shifts in Logan’s personal universe - having expectations shattered, especially ones based on deep emotions - throw him, even when he knows going in that disappointment is more than a possibility.
But, unlike Veronica, his first response to discontent isn’t to wallow - that’s saved for later. Nope, Logan’s immediate reaction is anger that typically manifests as bitter, snippy remarks directed at anyone within earshot.
So he leaves. He leaves to spare Veronica, to spare himself, to find somewhere to be that is without any other living soul so that he can blow off steam; punch a wall, drink himself into a stupor, virtually blast aliens from the sky, whatever.
Despite how it may appear - as Logan drags his pathetic ass up Veronica’s walk to the car - he isn’t angry at her, not in the strictest sense. Because try as he might he can’t be. Not over this anyway. Not when her reasoning, and all the thought she put into it, illustrates one of the traits that endears her to him the most: her fierce loyalty to her friends.
Doesn’t mean he isn’t wounded, upset that she essentially destroyed any chance of them being more than they are, but he can’t blame her or really imagine what else he could have expected.
And staying at her place would only make things worse, only intensify the disappointment resulting in Logan saying a bunch of things - untrue, reactionary things - that would hurt Veronica, something which he refuses to let happen. She’s too important.
More than that though, Veronica makes him feel important, like an actual person and he can’t bear to ruin it - to have her look at him differently - by being mean or manipulative; trying to convince her, to coerce her, into something she’s just not ready for. No, she has to be the one to make the choice. And he’ll wait patiently until she does.
/end chapter
[13] Patience Is A Virtue
This is part two of two.
Part one is here.
There is no way to know what is going to happen when they’re finally alone together but Veronica can’t stand the tension any longer. She rocks on her toes as she waits for her father and Logan to finish their lengthy farewell before her impatience wins and she cuts them short, pressing her hands to Logan’s back and leading him towards the front door. An odd silence fills the air for the longest three seconds of Veronica’s life before Logan turns around and grabs hold of her, spinning her over the threshold and out into the warm summer night.
“Where were we?” he chuckles, holding her waist in his large hands as he moves her down the long porch and sets her gently down on the wicker couch, his gaze never leaving her.
“Logan,” she breathes out her protest, scarcely containing her grin.
“What?” he asks playfully, curling up his long leg and setting himself to face her, his head resting on the wall above the couch where he smiles that smile, staring directly into her eyes.
“Uh, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but…”
“I’m thinking,” he interrupts, tracing her jaw line with his finger, “that I want to continue where we left off.”
“That is definitely not a good idea,” she murmurs, barely able to finish her objection before Logan leans in and slides his hands to either side of her face, brushing his lips lightly across her forehead.
“Feels like a good idea,” he asserts quietly, his breath playing against her skin. Nodding silently in response, Veronica’s eyes flutter closed involuntarily and her heart races like the wings of a humming bird, pumping seemingly every ounce of blood directly into her face. She can feel her lips trying to move but as though numbed by Novocain, what she’s telling them to do and what they’re actually doing - hanging open like her brain has been frozen by the same drug - are two different things.
So all she can do is stare up at Logan and wait for him to continue, which takes a turn as he seems suddenly apprehensive and aware, his eyes searching hers. Cocking his head, his brow furrowed, Logan acknowledges the shift, and admits, “Uh… not the reaction I was expecting.”
The guilt is immediate, which sends her eyes darting away and her heart to her throat. Taking a deep breath she exhales in an attempt to calm her nerves and begs her brain to think of just the right words, which is fruitless since no matter how she says what she’s thinking, the “right” words will only end what has barely begun.
“Hmm,” Logan mutters, slipping his hands from her face and dropping his gaze, making Veronica realize that she’s capable of ending any possibility of affection between them non-verbally as well.
When the silence starts killing her she blurts, “I was just thinking that… well, that it might be best if we don’t spend so much time alone.” Biting her lip and staring down at the tiny space of cushion that separates them, she clarifies, “Together.”
“And there’s that voice of reason,” Logan replies looking up from beneath his brow, his voice tinged with hurt, “I was wondering where it had gotten off to.”
“This sucks for me too, Logan,” she defends, feigning a confidence that is sold out by her breaking voice.
“So take it back,” he begs through a whisper, his jaw clenching as he seems to swallow down whatever else he meant to say.
Having Logan’s concentrated stare directly on her doesn’t help Veronica’s train of thought, does nothing to ease her anxiety, so she looks away and steels herself - preparing for his reaction to what she’s about to say - swallowing hard she affirms, “Even if I did,” she stops, pressing her eyes closed again before admitting, “…they’re still coming home.”
Waiting for him to respond, Veronica continues to keep her eyes shut until she notices his hand is now cradling her cheek and feels his thumb lightly brushing her skin as he rests his forehead on hers. Then a breathy laugh escapes him just before he confesses, “I was sort of hoping we could ignore that part.”
“I tried…” she begins, her ragged chuckle giving away her discomfort, which she plays off, quickly turning on her best sly expression and teasing lilt, “…but unless Celeste decides to enroll Duncan in some shi-shi Swiss boarding school - and Lilly in a convent - they’ll be here to greet us our first day back at Neptune High… expecting things to be exactly as they left them.”
“Little late for that,” he offers, refusing her attempt at shifting gears and pulling back enough to look directly at her and emphasize his point or read her expression, she’s not sure.
“I’m serious Logan,” she commands half-heartedly.
“So am I,” he dares, keeping his eyes locked on her, his hand on her cheek, seemingly waiting for her to just change her mind and concede already, which reminds her of one of the things Logan does that Duncan doesn’t… challenge her.
And now she’s irritated. Partly at Logan for outright tempting her - and for being so damn willing to surrender everything they know - giving her no option but to be the bad guy, “the voice of reason”. Although she’s equally as irritated with Lilly and Celeste, hell, the whole Kane family for their stupid, invented crises - the effects of which seem to radiate from them like fall-out from an atom bomb, impacting every living soul within a thirty mile radius - and how they still somehow manage to be the center of her universe despite being thousands of miles away.
But, truth be told, she’s also pretty well pissed at herself for even bothering to give one thought to anything but her own feelings when everyone around her seems completely content caring only about what makes them happy.
In the midst of her strangely bitter reverie Veronica notices that Logan has slowly inched nearer to her, his free arm is now strung across the back of the couch, fingers whisking along her bare shoulder and the tension emanates off him in waves, or maybe it’s her. Either way all the things she was thinking just seconds ago have disappeared into the ether replaced with incoherent mental flashes - something about how nice Logan smells or how close his lips are - and she’s finding it hard to concentrate on anything but him.
Veronica suddenly finds herself unable to move, to even blink and the only sounds she can discern is the faint hum of traffic on the highway over the hills and Logan’s steady breathing -rhythmic puffs of breath hot on the skin of her cheek as he leans in - which triggers a swell of fear inside of her and she suddenly, desperately, croaks, “I’m scared Logan,” catching them both completely off-guard - her especially since she swears she was just contemplating how a kiss wouldn’t kill either one of them because really who would know - and stops him from moving any further.
Almost like he was expecting this he rolls his eyes upward, exhaling “Scared of what?”
Duncan never talking to me again. Lilly hating me… Losing you.
All true thoughts and none she wants to admit out loud. Especially the last. Just the idea of avoiding Logan for the next few weeks - not being able to see him until school begins - makes it difficult to catch her breath but the thought of never being near him like this again, ever… well, it fills her with the most horrible sensation, a dread-filled nausea she can barely stand.
“Veronica?” he urges, his mouth still close to her ear.
A breath shudders from her, releasing some of the pressure and she quickly surfs her mental notes, all the things she could say - the many things she’s realized, confronted since the Kane’s left - and figuring out how much to tell Logan.
Like, for instance, how she had planned on going to see him after dinner. Mostly because she couldn’t stand the wondering, or the thought that he might be mad at her, but also because she missed him. Or how after a long, lonely day spent contemplating life, her shoes and Big Brother, she actually considered - for a brief, weakened second - texting Duncan to tell him she needed space. Or how thirty seconds after that she somehow convinced herself that both she and Logan need to see their respective Kanes to make sure neither one of them is merely lonesome or pathetic or both and that what they want is each other, regardless.
But none of that is really going to help. It will only encourage Logan, make him think she can handle something more than what this is right now. Bowing her head she breathes out, “Being alone with you,” answering his long ago question.
Not entirely true but true enough.
“You’re afraid to be alone with me,” he clarifies, not asking, just stating it as though it will become clearer if he says it out loud. But he’s obviously confused and probably aggravated as well. So she pushes herself off the couch, crossing her arms before turning around just in time to see Logan’s face go cold.
“We’re friends,” he chokes, “right?” He pleads as though he’s not actually sure of their status anymore, and Veronica gets a sick feeling in her stomach.
“Of course,” she defends, sad and stunned that he would think otherwise.
“Friends hang out, Veronica. Go to parties, have dinner.”
“It’s different now… I feel different,” she confesses, her brain going at hyper-speed trying to figure a way out of what she’s just said which is immediately and obviously impossible so she gulps down a breath and says, “…I don’t know what happened. Or when. Maybe that night at Ashley’s… or after lunch with my dad…” she admits with a shrug, immediately noticing his eyes flicker, his hands fidget and she considers how it is that they didn’t kiss that day, after the rain-soaked run and the heated moment in the entrance, but even more strange is how they’ve managed to make it until now, through the myriad opportunities they’ve had. A thought that sends butterflies swirling in her stomach, followed by a twinge of disappointment, “… but something changed.”
With her words his expression instantly shifts. His eyes are soft now and the hint of a smile curls the corner of his lips as he gets up and crosses the porch to be closer to her. “Okay. And?” he presses, stepping in to slide a gentle touch down her arm.
“And I should have stopped it,” she gestures between them, “This.” Immediately Logan retracts his hand, his face registering confusion.
“Why?” he asks, voice tight with frustration. “Because hanging out with you isn’t hanging out with my friend Logan anymore.”
“’Kay…” he says, eyes mapping her face, “Uh, I’m confused, Veronica. Because earlier it seemed like we’d come to an understanding.”
“Yeah. That we both want things we shouldn’t.”
“So that’s what you were thinking when we were setting the table? O-or just a few minutes ago when you were sitting close enough for me to smell your shampoo?” he questions, waiting a second to let the words sink in before continuing, “Because I got the sense you were thinking something else.”
“I was!” she admits, the profession sending shock waves through her. But while the thrumming of her heart is loud inside her head she’s done it, confessed and the way he’s looking at her right now makes her want to tell him everything, get it all off her chest. “God Logan, don’t you get it? I shouldn’t want this. Lilly and Duncan mean I’m not allowed to want this and every time we’re near each other I do.”
Pressing his lips together Logan seems to be working up to something, considering his words possibly.
Rubbing his eyes he takes a breath and leans back on the porch column opposite Veronica, not looking directly at her when he quietly asks, “So what are we going to do?”
The strain of hurt in his voice is obvious, breaking Veronica’s heart.
When he peeks up from beneath his brow she can tell he’s trying to read her, almost hopeful as he searches her face. But in the same moment his eyes begin to glisten and he seems suddenly apprehensive shoving his hands deep into his pockets and dropping his gaze back to his shoes.
“If we aren’t alone then nothing can happen,” she says - as though that will make it better - and the second the words slip from her she feels the need to scream or throw up. Her voice sounds so… foreign, like this person that’s speaking right now has hi-jacked her body and that she, the real Veronica, is in there somewhere wishing the bitch would just shut up.
“Right,” Logan puffs a withered response.
Looking suddenly broken Logan opens his mouth slightly, explores her eyes with his and Veronica figures he’s about to begin a monologue espousing all the ways she’s wrong. But something in his expression is off, and instead of arguing - challenging her like she was expecting - he just studies her for a moment until, finally, he exhales a shuddering breath, and his shoulders droop in defeat.
“Whatever makes you happy,” he concedes as he hefts himself up from the column, instantly removing several feet of space from between them. But despite the physical closeness, to her he couldn’t feel more distant; his hands remain in his pockets, eyes set on some point far away and Veronica is instantly uncomfortable, feeling like in that second something changed and she’s not privy to what it was.
“Logan, it’s not that I…”
“Stop. Please.” Even through the whisper she can hear his voice break. “I just… I need to go.”
“Logan?”
“I had a great time tonight… really great,” he says, pointedly looking at her over his shoulder as he turns to go. “Tell your mom and dad I said ‘thanks’,” he continues as he heads up the walk, never looking back.
***
Any radical shifts in Logan’s personal universe - having expectations shattered, especially ones based on deep emotions - throw him, even when he knows going in that disappointment is more than a possibility.
But, unlike Veronica, his first response to discontent isn’t to wallow - that’s saved for later. Nope, Logan’s immediate reaction is anger that typically manifests as bitter, snippy remarks directed at anyone within earshot.
So he leaves. He leaves to spare Veronica, to spare himself, to find somewhere to be that is without any other living soul so that he can blow off steam; punch a wall, drink himself into a stupor, virtually blast aliens from the sky, whatever.
Despite how it may appear - as Logan drags his pathetic ass up Veronica’s walk to the car - he isn’t angry at her, not in the strictest sense. Because try as he might he can’t be. Not over this anyway. Not when her reasoning, and all the thought she put into it, illustrates one of the traits that endears her to him the most: her fierce loyalty to her friends.
Doesn’t mean he isn’t wounded, upset that she essentially destroyed any chance of them being more than they are, but he can’t blame her or really imagine what else he could have expected.
And staying at her place would only make things worse, only intensify the disappointment resulting in Logan saying a bunch of things - untrue, reactionary things - that would hurt Veronica, something which he refuses to let happen. She’s too important.
More than that though, Veronica makes him feel important, like an actual person and he can’t bear to ruin it - to have her look at him differently - by being mean or manipulative; trying to convince her, to coerce her, into something she’s just not ready for. No, she has to be the one to make the choice. And he’ll wait patiently until she does.
/end chapter