Constant debate - Sanity at what price?
Warning: Contents of post refer to Suicide, Rape and Depression. Do not read if those are a trigger for you.
My depression has hit a familiar low. I'm now tasting the dull chemical taste that comes with being suicidal. Don't worry the people in my life are aware of this and I am being cared for. But this feeling where life has no point and should come to a tidy end is a friendly one that I greet as a family member now.
It's been 5 years that I've been taking anti-depressants to deal with the depression, a part of PTSD, but the plunge in the last three months where I've been hospitalized once already after an extreme flare up of the PTSD itself is more than I can take. The flashbacks to being raped over and over again while awake and in nightmares when I try to sleep have worn me down. I don't have the mental strength to fight anymore. I don't have it in me to pretend that in some nebulous future things are going to be fine. I'm tired of being terrified of men, being terrified of policemen, having to be sheltered from certain things. The woman that was fearless, bold and would fight for justice died the day she was held down, gang raped, forced not to talk about it at the price of her life, and then had to flee her home to another country leaving everything she loved. Becoming a refugee is not easy, it isn't a choice anyone makes lightly, I wish Australians would remember that.
So as bits of mental me crumble and fall away, sanity at what price? My psychiatrist wants me back in hospital, in the psych ward, where not only will they administer ECT to assist with the depression/suicidal impulse, but they will keep an eye on me to make sure I actually eat. I have no idea why everyone is so worried about my nutrition, after all being on anti-depressants packed the kilos on, if I don't feel like eating now surely I have enough stacked up to tie me through a few weeks of no interest in food? Question is do I want that kind of intervention. Yet do I have the legal right not to accept it?
My partner has of course grown new wrinkles as she helps me through this, it's not fair to her, but she promises to stand by me no matter what. Her preference is that I live :) We've been together 14 years now, is it going to be strong enough to weather this storm?
My depression has hit a familiar low. I'm now tasting the dull chemical taste that comes with being suicidal. Don't worry the people in my life are aware of this and I am being cared for. But this feeling where life has no point and should come to a tidy end is a friendly one that I greet as a family member now.
It's been 5 years that I've been taking anti-depressants to deal with the depression, a part of PTSD, but the plunge in the last three months where I've been hospitalized once already after an extreme flare up of the PTSD itself is more than I can take. The flashbacks to being raped over and over again while awake and in nightmares when I try to sleep have worn me down. I don't have the mental strength to fight anymore. I don't have it in me to pretend that in some nebulous future things are going to be fine. I'm tired of being terrified of men, being terrified of policemen, having to be sheltered from certain things. The woman that was fearless, bold and would fight for justice died the day she was held down, gang raped, forced not to talk about it at the price of her life, and then had to flee her home to another country leaving everything she loved. Becoming a refugee is not easy, it isn't a choice anyone makes lightly, I wish Australians would remember that.
So as bits of mental me crumble and fall away, sanity at what price? My psychiatrist wants me back in hospital, in the psych ward, where not only will they administer ECT to assist with the depression/suicidal impulse, but they will keep an eye on me to make sure I actually eat. I have no idea why everyone is so worried about my nutrition, after all being on anti-depressants packed the kilos on, if I don't feel like eating now surely I have enough stacked up to tie me through a few weeks of no interest in food? Question is do I want that kind of intervention. Yet do I have the legal right not to accept it?
My partner has of course grown new wrinkles as she helps me through this, it's not fair to her, but she promises to stand by me no matter what. Her preference is that I live :) We've been together 14 years now, is it going to be strong enough to weather this storm?