surgery/ 5 wishes
it is exactly a week away. i am excited, but more or less just going through the motions at the moment because it feels surreal- like a dream- like i am affraid it might not be real.
i have a lot of stuff to get ready at work for my 3 week absence which just so happens to corrispond with the resignation of my employee that has been causing me allthe headaches and drama for the past few months. her last day is the day before i leave for surgery. the agency will have 3 weeks without any group services (for its residential programs) and i really dont give a shit. this is my time. and nothing is going to interfear with that.
i had a hard interaction with my mom last thursday. she demanded i give her the contact information for my therapist and said that she wanted to see her because she felt like there were "important details" i was leaving out. i spoke with my therapist and she agreed to have a family session with my mom- huge break through right? well turns out she wanted it to try and stop the surgery.
i called her back today after avoiding her calls for a few days and told her that if she wanted to join me for a session that I would schedule it the next time i see my therapist on april 12th. her response was "we cant see her before your surgery?" i said no and that even if we could it wouldnt stop/change anything that was happening. she at one point on her own said that she understood that this was happening under the supervision of medical personell that agreed this was appropriate treatment and that it wouldnt stop it, but that she thought my hearing their concerns would make me stop.
she told me that my brother told her he wanted to kidnap me so i couldnt go. she said something that made me think she was expecting to have more than just herself attend this familyu session and I specificaly told her that only she was welcome. she asked why and i told her that my father hasnt said more than 2 words to me in the last 6 months and that i didnt feel comfortable having him come. and that she and I are the only ones that have really talked about it.
then she brought up feeling like that was again putting her in the middle, which is where she has been through this whole thing. i reminded her that it was her request that i not tell my family members and that i have respected her wishes. she then said yea but that i said i wanted her to tell my family because it would make it easier. she went on this long tangent of how that wasnt fair and how dare i put this on her. i reminded her that she was taking my words out of context and that i had stated it would make it easier of you tell them now vs having them ask questions later and that what was now happening - them asking questions- was a direct consiquence of the choices she has made: not wanting me to tell them, not wanting to tell them herself and not wanting me around for the holidays which has made them start to ask lots of questions.
she then changed the subject to stress that she felt this was just another phase in my life and that "(i) have always been a follower and have had no identity of (my) own". in regards to K i told her that i had had these feelings long before i met him and that it was something we had had in common from day one. that she saw him transition first because he had the support and understanding of HIS family. and that i would have done this a lot sooner if i wasnt so affraid of loosing them until i got to a point where it wasnt a choice but something that had to happen whether i had my family's support or not.
i filled out a "5 wishes" living will packet tonight. K is my primary health care agent. jenny and ellen agreed to be my back up agents if something happens to kolby or if he just cant make the descision on his own. i am so greatful to them for agreeing to do this for me. i told them that my biggest fear is that my parents will try to bury me in a dress and i dont want that to happen. the original is in my file cabinet and i will be sending a copy to my family dr. concidering the interactions that i have been having with my family i wanted to make sure that my wishes are respected. filling it out wasnt as hard as i thought it would be and i completely recommend it to everyone so that the people in your life know what your last wishes are.
there are places in which you can add in your own words and under the category of rights i want my agent to have i added:
to make the descion to allow/not allow members of my family to visit me based on any distress this may cause me or my health care agent. (in case im too out of it to be distressed and it is K (or E or J) that have to deal wtih my parents being disrespectful of me when i cannot defend myself)
i also added to advocate for appropriate and respectful care on my behalf especailly specfic to my gender identitiy including requiring all medical personal to address me by my preferred pronouns and legal name.
i added some other stuff about my wishes if i were to die including NOT having a catholic funeral-but that my family could have a catholic memorial mass later on if it will comfort them. i just dont want my friends to have to walk into a catholic church, nevermind the fact that i dont follow the belief system. i also left some specific music requests.
at the end i added this: i wish to be referred to as male, with male pronouns and my legal name throughout any and all memorial services. I wish to be dressed in men's clothing.
overall the "5 wishes" was hard to think about, but easy to fill out and i feel so much better now that it is done. especially with the way i have been interacting with my family. they do not know me- nor to they respect who i am as a whole person- they cannot possibly be able to make the descisions that i would want them to make.
i have a lot of stuff to get ready at work for my 3 week absence which just so happens to corrispond with the resignation of my employee that has been causing me allthe headaches and drama for the past few months. her last day is the day before i leave for surgery. the agency will have 3 weeks without any group services (for its residential programs) and i really dont give a shit. this is my time. and nothing is going to interfear with that.
i had a hard interaction with my mom last thursday. she demanded i give her the contact information for my therapist and said that she wanted to see her because she felt like there were "important details" i was leaving out. i spoke with my therapist and she agreed to have a family session with my mom- huge break through right? well turns out she wanted it to try and stop the surgery.
i called her back today after avoiding her calls for a few days and told her that if she wanted to join me for a session that I would schedule it the next time i see my therapist on april 12th. her response was "we cant see her before your surgery?" i said no and that even if we could it wouldnt stop/change anything that was happening. she at one point on her own said that she understood that this was happening under the supervision of medical personell that agreed this was appropriate treatment and that it wouldnt stop it, but that she thought my hearing their concerns would make me stop.
she told me that my brother told her he wanted to kidnap me so i couldnt go. she said something that made me think she was expecting to have more than just herself attend this familyu session and I specificaly told her that only she was welcome. she asked why and i told her that my father hasnt said more than 2 words to me in the last 6 months and that i didnt feel comfortable having him come. and that she and I are the only ones that have really talked about it.
then she brought up feeling like that was again putting her in the middle, which is where she has been through this whole thing. i reminded her that it was her request that i not tell my family members and that i have respected her wishes. she then said yea but that i said i wanted her to tell my family because it would make it easier. she went on this long tangent of how that wasnt fair and how dare i put this on her. i reminded her that she was taking my words out of context and that i had stated it would make it easier of you tell them now vs having them ask questions later and that what was now happening - them asking questions- was a direct consiquence of the choices she has made: not wanting me to tell them, not wanting to tell them herself and not wanting me around for the holidays which has made them start to ask lots of questions.
she then changed the subject to stress that she felt this was just another phase in my life and that "(i) have always been a follower and have had no identity of (my) own". in regards to K i told her that i had had these feelings long before i met him and that it was something we had had in common from day one. that she saw him transition first because he had the support and understanding of HIS family. and that i would have done this a lot sooner if i wasnt so affraid of loosing them until i got to a point where it wasnt a choice but something that had to happen whether i had my family's support or not.
i filled out a "5 wishes" living will packet tonight. K is my primary health care agent. jenny and ellen agreed to be my back up agents if something happens to kolby or if he just cant make the descision on his own. i am so greatful to them for agreeing to do this for me. i told them that my biggest fear is that my parents will try to bury me in a dress and i dont want that to happen. the original is in my file cabinet and i will be sending a copy to my family dr. concidering the interactions that i have been having with my family i wanted to make sure that my wishes are respected. filling it out wasnt as hard as i thought it would be and i completely recommend it to everyone so that the people in your life know what your last wishes are.
there are places in which you can add in your own words and under the category of rights i want my agent to have i added:
to make the descion to allow/not allow members of my family to visit me based on any distress this may cause me or my health care agent. (in case im too out of it to be distressed and it is K (or E or J) that have to deal wtih my parents being disrespectful of me when i cannot defend myself)
i also added to advocate for appropriate and respectful care on my behalf especailly specfic to my gender identitiy including requiring all medical personal to address me by my preferred pronouns and legal name.
i added some other stuff about my wishes if i were to die including NOT having a catholic funeral-but that my family could have a catholic memorial mass later on if it will comfort them. i just dont want my friends to have to walk into a catholic church, nevermind the fact that i dont follow the belief system. i also left some specific music requests.
at the end i added this: i wish to be referred to as male, with male pronouns and my legal name throughout any and all memorial services. I wish to be dressed in men's clothing.
overall the "5 wishes" was hard to think about, but easy to fill out and i feel so much better now that it is done. especially with the way i have been interacting with my family. they do not know me- nor to they respect who i am as a whole person- they cannot possibly be able to make the descisions that i would want them to make.