(no subject)
its time for me to write to myself. a reflection on everything, and admit my feelings to myself.
i read bookout the letter. it felt so nice. it felt so good to do something i havent done in so long, and have been holding back on. i got the response i wanted. i made him happy. i said what he needed to hear. i said what i needed to say. and i dont know why, but i feel like i needed more. i knew that going into this, it was a 50/50 chance of him seeing what he has now, or continuing to get in touch with his past. i didnt set myself up thinking oh things will go back to how they were. but why do i feel so awful? i told him how i felt cause i knew i would regret it if i didnt. but i still feel regret. i always say i have no regrets to make myself beleive that, but i know its not the case. why why why did it take me this long? i truely feel in my heart that if i were to have done this sooner, i wouldn't be where i am now. and i would have what i want. what all my other friends have, and i have no one. i feel so selfish because i know exactly what he is going through. i want to be there for him as a friend and i will, but its so hard on my heart. why am i always the one hurting? my mind tries telling im strong enough, but my heart says different. any time something ends with someone, i wish i could go back in time and do it all over again and differently. everything is working out for my friends, but why isnt it with me? what am i doing wrong? i look at mollee briana and jessie, and i see how happy they are with what they have and i want that. they have found people they are happy with, they have found a connection with that person and i ask myself, when will i find it? i thought i found it with lucas, and it took me 5 years to realize i was wrong. i thought i found it in devin or nate, but i was wrong. i thought i found that with bookout, but i think i might be wrong. when will i be right? when will things work out for me? i hate that im ending my year feeling this way. it was the same way last year. and its so heavy on my heart. not only do i have to cope with the fact that i will never be with lucas, but i also have to cope with the fact that i cant be with the first person i really wanted to be with since lucas, someone where it felt 100% right. they say you never realize what you had until its gone, and its so true. i am so happy for my 3 best friends. im so happy they are happy. but when i see them with the guys who care about them, it hurts. thats what i've had and have never been able to hold on to. i did all i could and im so proud of what i did, but why do i still hurt? why does it seem like where i stand is still not all the way right? why does it feel like something is missing? im so much farther from where i was before, but my heart still feels pain. and its even worse, because i have to come face to face with the person i was ready to move on with, which is a big step for me, almost every single day. someone who i'm tied with in a family. its so hard. ive never been in this postion before. it just hit me. this sucks. at the end of my great year, i have to deal with all of this. my heart is aching.
i read bookout the letter. it felt so nice. it felt so good to do something i havent done in so long, and have been holding back on. i got the response i wanted. i made him happy. i said what he needed to hear. i said what i needed to say. and i dont know why, but i feel like i needed more. i knew that going into this, it was a 50/50 chance of him seeing what he has now, or continuing to get in touch with his past. i didnt set myself up thinking oh things will go back to how they were. but why do i feel so awful? i told him how i felt cause i knew i would regret it if i didnt. but i still feel regret. i always say i have no regrets to make myself beleive that, but i know its not the case. why why why did it take me this long? i truely feel in my heart that if i were to have done this sooner, i wouldn't be where i am now. and i would have what i want. what all my other friends have, and i have no one. i feel so selfish because i know exactly what he is going through. i want to be there for him as a friend and i will, but its so hard on my heart. why am i always the one hurting? my mind tries telling im strong enough, but my heart says different. any time something ends with someone, i wish i could go back in time and do it all over again and differently. everything is working out for my friends, but why isnt it with me? what am i doing wrong? i look at mollee briana and jessie, and i see how happy they are with what they have and i want that. they have found people they are happy with, they have found a connection with that person and i ask myself, when will i find it? i thought i found it with lucas, and it took me 5 years to realize i was wrong. i thought i found it in devin or nate, but i was wrong. i thought i found that with bookout, but i think i might be wrong. when will i be right? when will things work out for me? i hate that im ending my year feeling this way. it was the same way last year. and its so heavy on my heart. not only do i have to cope with the fact that i will never be with lucas, but i also have to cope with the fact that i cant be with the first person i really wanted to be with since lucas, someone where it felt 100% right. they say you never realize what you had until its gone, and its so true. i am so happy for my 3 best friends. im so happy they are happy. but when i see them with the guys who care about them, it hurts. thats what i've had and have never been able to hold on to. i did all i could and im so proud of what i did, but why do i still hurt? why does it seem like where i stand is still not all the way right? why does it feel like something is missing? im so much farther from where i was before, but my heart still feels pain. and its even worse, because i have to come face to face with the person i was ready to move on with, which is a big step for me, almost every single day. someone who i'm tied with in a family. its so hard. ive never been in this postion before. it just hit me. this sucks. at the end of my great year, i have to deal with all of this. my heart is aching.