(no subject)
honestly....when will this go away? when will this end? im so hurt.i always think it cant get any worse, but somehow it does. is this it? i never know. i feel like it is every time and it never is. but is this it this time? i hate not knowing. inside of a year, me and devin and completely switched places. now i know how he felt. and now he knows how i felt. if i didnt screw up so much, we wouldnt be here. he even said it. will i ever change? will this ever get easy? do i need to find someone new in order to let go? i have so many questions that might not ever be answered. i just wish i handled myself better in these situations. its true when they say you never realize how much you love someone until theyre gone. im sad. i hate being sad. im heartbroken, thats even worse. just knowing that there is someone thats taking my place, makes me sick. a place i had for a year. i had a place in a heart made of pure steel. and if you know him, you know he has a heart of steel. he saw things in me that no other guy could see. through all the bad times, and my screw-ups, he stuck with me. i guess i just expected him to stick with me through everything. i was wrong. i can imagine this is how devin felt when i did stuff with other people, and he cried in my arms. i wish i could cry to him but i cant. to him, thats weak. he wont let me in. i can hug him with all of my might and look up at him with tears in my eyes, and there is nothing. i guess i cant complain, i made him that way towards me. i think for once in my life, i have a regret. all the bad things i did that i didnt regret was because i came out stronger, and learned something, and something good came from it. what good has come from this? its caused me seirous emotional problems, and hasnt helped at all with my coping skills in situations like this. i just dont get how i can still love someone who has been so mean to me. aside from the fact i broke his heart. he knows how to say things that will crush me. like how he wont be worried or care about me when hes gone to college. about how he wish he could take back every time he said he loved me. theres so many more i cant even list. just thinking about it makes me cry. our fight on new years. that look in his eyes and his face of just pure hate. ill never forget the way he looked at me that night. why do i want someone who wants nothing of me? whats wrong with me? seriously. i dont understand. my head hurts from all of this thats built up. on top of devin there is lucas. im not strong enough. i know im not. and usually i be as optimistic as i can, but i just cant with this. there is nothing i can do. i feel like if i let go im going to be losing a part of me. i cant stop crying. i cant stop hurting. ill put on a happy face, but behind it is nothing. im so drained. ive never felt this emotionaly drained. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i love him too much to give up, but i think i have to. how do i do that? i dont know how. i have so much going on in my mind right now. with my lucas issue, and now my devin issue. i wish i could just wake up and devin would call me and tell me to get dressed, and we'd go for our hour long drives to nowhere, then go to kevin's and watch the game, then sit outside with him holding me. what i would give to have that back in my life. ive poured my heart out to him more then once, and nothing has effected him. thats when i knew i was out of his heart. god this hurts so much. i really dont know what to do. i want to give up and at the sametime i dont because im a stubborn bitch. im so torn. im in this alone. i dont know anyone who can relate to what im going through, thats what sucks. i cry myself to sleep so much now. this has effected me so much. i dont even know if i can sleep tonight. i need to. but i dont know if i can. its very rare that i let a boy get inot my heart, there has only been 3....but i let devin deeply into my heart without me realizing, until he was gone. hes gone. i need to let go. i need to let go. i need to let go but i just cant. my mind is not emotionally stable enough to deal with this. im so fucked up.
is this it? for good?
is this it? for good?