With You I Am Alone Too - Phantoms Never Sleep 11/12
Title: With You I Am Alone Too - Phantoms Never Sleep 11/12
Rating: I like to swear, so 15???
Characters: Jack/Ianto, Rest of the team, new group of alien nasties.
Chapter: Sequel to “Eternus Vestrum”
Spoilers: Set series one, post ‘’Cyberwoman”, but anything Torchwood could be hinted at.
Summary: When Ianto suddenly falls very ill, no one in the team can understand why. Who are the “Phantoms”? And why is Ianto living a life that was never his?
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though. All belongs to the mighty RTD!
Author’s Notes: I’m so sorry that this has taken so long! I got major block halfway through, so I’m hoping *fingers crossed* that it’s going to be ok! Either way, huge thanks have to go to my amazing beta2nd_toshiko for just sticking with me and my random writing. And yes, as always, any comments I receive from you guys really do mean so much. Thanks! :)
Chapter One: Awakening
Chapter Two: Uncommon Death
Chapter Three: I Cry Softly Into Time
Chapter Four: Ghost Of Mine
Chapter Five: Where Mortals Fear To Tread
Chapter Six: Playing With Shadows
Chapter Seven: Is This Sex Or Only Violence?
Chapter Eight: Don’t You Wish You Were Dead Like Me?
Chapter Nine: Hurt Me With Nothing
Chapter Ten: Eternus Vestrum
Ahhhh so many people to thank!! Really, I have to dedicate this as ever to my amazing readers, particularly2nd_toshiko ,naddypants ,skullgirl013 andmorgia for standing by me! You guys are so amazing, all of you! :)
Without you I can never be
With you I am alone too
Without you I count the hours without you
With you the seconds stand still
They aren’t worth it.
Death. The air stank of it, clogged and uneasy around him.
The stagnant air forced its way into his throat, throwing itself into his lungs as he took his first uneasy gasp. He coughed, feeling his heart race against his chest, the blood beginning to flow around his body. His eyes snapped open, his vision blurry and unfocused. He could feel the blood pumping in his ears, sound muffled as he tried to hear the world around him. Slowly he tried to lift himself off the ground, but his body was numb, limbs so distant that he could barely control them. He tried again, harder this time, unsteady arms shaking under the strain as he pulled himself up into an upright position on the tarmac.
It was then that Jack remembered, visions of the battle lying in front of his eyes, dead but not forgotten. He saw the pools of silvery white liquid around him, the Phantoms’ bodies lying like sadistic statues across the tarmac, long slender limbs all reaching out towards him. Dead eyes now free from all colour or pigment, their past intensity long lost. Jack closed his own eyes, his brain still burning within his skull, thoughts coursing through it deeper and deeper with each passing second.
You and I are the same…………I live on in you
The Captain shook his head, attempting to stand, although his weak legs prevented him from even moving. His form collapsed back down onto the tarmac, nerve endings so numb that he barely even felt his body hit the ground.
The air was still and calm around him, lonely and abandoning, the city distant and unforgiving. He looked around at the blank expanse of concrete, taking it in as his eyesight finally returned to something close to normal. The Captain listened, his body becoming more aware around him with each fresh pump of blood from his heart. He could hear the screech of tyres in the distance, the drum of feet against pavement. The shout of voices………
“Jack!” Two figures were running down the alleyway towards him, their shoes drilling out the same melody faster and faster. As they came closer he recognised their anxious faces, both women’s eyes wide and mouths open.
“Jack?” Gwen was kneeling by his side, both hands on his shoulders forcing him to look at her. “Can you hear me? Jack?”
“I………” As the words left his mouth, the Captain realised how dry it was, gulping hard before trying to speak again. “I……… told you not to come here.” He reached out, pointing to the body of one of the Phantoms. “They can………”
“They’re dead Jack.” Toshiko knelt beside Gwen, clicking her comm. unit on in a swift action. “Owen? We’ve got Jack.”
“But what if they hadn’t been dead?” He swallowed, looking into Gwen’s eyes. “You couldn’t be sure.”
“We had to come find you. You’ve been gone hours.”
“I have?”
“Yes! We waited for you to report back, but you never did.” She paused, stroking her hair out from her eyes. “We thought you were dead.”
“But…..” Jack’s voice quaked as he rubbed at his aching eyes. “I don’t remember.”
“Severe brain trauma.” Toshiko quickly nodded to Gwen. “Owen warned me this might happen.” She reached out, pulling Jack’s eyes open as wide as they could go. “Severe disorientation, muscle stiffness?”
“That’s just the half of it.” Jack managed a brief smile, grunting as the feeling slowly returned to his limbs.
“Can you stand?” Gwen asked quickly, turning to Tosh. “Do you think its ok to move him?”
“I’m fine.” The Captain grimaced, feeling two pairs of hands reach under his arms, before watching as they struggled to lift him slowly to his feet. His knees wobbled under the sudden weight, his body landing heavily onto both women’s shoulders. The fluid in his ears sloshed out of control, throwing his body off kilter as the three of them staggered forwards, each step feeling harder than the one before. He sighed, air clambering out of his antiquated lungs. Life was slowly returning to him.
His body bundled into the back of the SUV, the hazy world around him was beginning to make more sense. Toshiko towered above him, a syringe gun in her hand as she neatly clicked in a new cartridge. Her eyes met his, soft and reassuring.
“It’s ok. Owen set everything up. I’m doing exactly what he told me to.” She nodded gently, brushing her hair behind one ear as she lent down, pressing the gun to his neck. The pain was barely noticeable as the needle shot into his skin, a brief tingle through his senses, quickly silenced. He reached up, holding his hand to his neck, staring at her quizzically.
“What…….?”
“Just an adrenaline injection to kick start your system. You were dead a while.” She smiled, stroking his forehead softly. “I’m taking you back to the Hub ok?” She paused, fastening his seatbelt for him in one swift movement. “Can you hear me Jack? I’m taking you back to Ianto.”
Ianto. As the streets of Cardiff whirled past him, Jack felt the adrenaline course through his veins, bringing with it new thoughts as the rush raged through him. Thoughts of his own, not the poisoned thoughts of the Phantoms. Thoughts of Ianto. Of what he’d been fighting for, his smile, his touch, his words. It didn’t matter that he’d left Gwen to clear away the bodies of the Phantoms, or that he would have to cover everything up from the police. All that mattered was Ianto. All that mattered was getting him back………
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Stooping over his only patient, Owen let out a large sigh, the sound so lonely in the empty Hub. He looked to his watch, eyes staring at the hands pointlessly. He felt blind. All of the scanners and CCTV on Charles Street had been knocked out by the device’s signal, leaving the Hub with no trace on what was happening. No trace on Jack. They had sat for two painful hours before Gwen and Tosh left to find him, leaving Owen to tend to his fellow team mate. A constant doctor.
It was a matter of time, the medic knew that. The Phantoms’ most recent victim, Madeleine Blakeley had woken up. He’d been keeping tabs on the hospital, and the information he had gleaned was priceless. She had simply woken up, done the impossible, brain coming back from what the doctor’s thought of as death. The doctor let a soft smile part his lips. Jack had done it. Another life was continuing because of the enigmatic Captain. It had worked.
Turning his attention back to Ianto, Owen busied himself with taking his pulse for the twentieth time. It was no different, the same idle thumping through the veins at his wrists, barely pumping the blood through his system. The doctor shook his head. He couldn’t understand why nothing had changed.
A loud beeping noise shook the autopsy bay, throwing Owen off guard. He heard a spluttering noise, followed by harsh, frantic and shallow breaths. A sharp pain shot out around his wrist as something reached out and grabbed it tight, the grip so desperate that he felt hard nails dig deep into his skin. No, not just something. Owen span round, returning his gaze to his patient. His living patient. Ianto was awake…………
“O….Owen?!” The younger man spluttered helplessly, eyes wide and pale as they flicked around the room around him. “Is…..it……really you?” His grip tightened around the young medic’s wrist. “Please…..tell me you’re real.”
“Ianto?” Owen’s voice was equally frantic as his free hand came to rest on the other man’s shoulder. He applied enough pressure to turn his gaze to his, blue eyes meeting brown in an instant. “Look at me Ianto. Look at me.” He gave him a soft smile, reaching out with a warmth that he rarely felt able to use. “I’m here. You’re really back.”
“Is…..that possible?” Ianto’s chest was beating up and down so fast that it looked as if it may burst through the fabric of his shirt. He swallowed hard, his eyes still maintaining the vigil of the room around him. “It was…..so real. Life………my life………no……Lisa, Jack………my beautiful son. They never…………Oh god…………” Panting now, Ianto’s hands shot to his own throat as he continued to splutter, choking for breath. His desperate hands clung to his neck, clasping at the skin as if to open it up so that he could breathe. His entire body shuddering with panic, Ianto’s pupils became tiny in seconds, as his head shot back to hit the autopsy table. He could barely feel the doctor’s calm hands gently pressing an oxygen mask to his face, the cool rush of gaseous relief soothing his senses as he continued to gasp it in. Ianto’s blank, terrified eyes reached out to Owen, before closing heavily as he slipped out of consciousness.
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He was alive.
His calloused hands stroked against the soft skin of Ianto’s face as Jack remained by his bedside. The skin there was familiar now, a welcome warmth radiating out into his fingertips, caressing his nerves endings with a silent joy. The Captain smiled gently, reassurance washing through him. It hadn’t all been for nothing. Another death had not been in vain.
The face underneath his touch twitched, a long motionless body slowly jumping into life, the adrenaline injection it had been offered finally beginning to have effect. Withdrawing his hand, Jack positioned his face so that Ianto could clearly see him, so that he could see the look of what he hoped was love spreading across his features. He owed him so much…………
For a brief moment, both men simply looked on, a tenderness in both their features that was beyond words. Everything they had learned, everything they had realised coming to a head, like pressure below a healing wound. Blue met blue, electricity sparking between them, neither able to shift their gaze. After all that had happened, and it had come to this. Neither wanted to break the silence. For both of them, the silence had to be heard.
“Jack………” Ianto smiled, blinking back sore tears as he felt the tension shatter around them, shards of it seeming to stick in his throat. “I’m so sorry.”
“Shhhhhh………” A soft hand reached out to gently stroke his hair. “What for?”
“For it all……. It was my fault. All of it.” He swallowed hard, trying to ignore the emotion pouring from his eyes. “I never meant to……”
“Never meant to what Yan?”
“I let them in………” The younger man’s voice was shaking, straining underneath the weight of his words. “They offered me another life………the life I’d always wanted. An escape Jack.”
“Ianto….”
“No.” His words stronger this time, Ianto reached out, grasping Jack’s wrist in his. “I want to say this…..” He visibly gulped, water gently rolling from his eyes. “They offered me a way out, and I took it without thinking, without a thought for anything……….for anyone-”
“Ianto, stop.”
“Please Jack!” The grip on his wrist tightened. “You knew nothing……… I always tried to……… I kept everything quiet just the way you liked it.” He paused, still breathless and weak, yet maintaining the eye contact between them. “You never even knew did you?”
“Knew what?”
“How I was feeling Jack!” There was no way of suppressing the words now as they leapt from his mouth, every beat of his young heart forcing them further out into the air around them both. “How much I ached every time you touched me. How I wanted it all so much, but at the same time, it was such a betrayal.” He choked, eyes finally leaving the Captain’s, unable to dwell upon the pain that lay there, equal to his own.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jack tucked a gentle hand under his chin, forcing his face back to face his. “Why keep it all locked away?”
“How could I tell you?!” Fresh tears burst from the younger man’s eyes. “How could I have told anyone any of this?! No one understood, no one seemed to care……………” He paused, pleading eyes grasping at Jack’s with a new desperation. “Except them.”
“The Phantoms?”
“That day……” The younger man nodded grimly. “They got into my head, talked to me, told me that they could make it all better.” He visibly gulped, voice continuing to tremble. “They told me that you didn’t care! They convinced me that I had lost the one person who truly cared……They offered me Lisa, Jack.”
“She was never real Ianto.”
“You think I don’t know that?!” The younger man’s eyes were burning as his voice snapped its reply, his weak body hauling itself up in an instant to sit face to face with Jack. “She wasn’t my Lisa………she was a lie. I know that now.”
“She wasn’t a lie either.”
“The what was she Jack?! Give me one good explanation for what she was.”
“She was your love.” Jack paused, feeling tears stir behind his own features, fighting to contain him. “The love and memories that you too shared, shaped into a device. Something that they could use against you.”
“Is that what they do? Take your memories and shape them into something wrong?”
“Yes.”
“Then why does it still hurt so much Jack?” His voice breaking again, Ianto’s watery eyes met with the Captain’s. “Why do I feel like I’ve lost her again?”
“Because you have. Whether she was real or not, they brought her to life in your mind. Pushed her to the front of your thoughts. They knew just how much to hurt you.”
“I’m so sorry Jack.” His voice feeble and weak, the words left the young Welshman’s mouth in a mumble, his mouth to loose to shape them properly. “I never meant for any of this………”
“I don’t blame you.” Jack smiled in return, this time moving his gaze from Ianto’s, staring down into his own lap. “I know what it’s like. To lose the person you love the most.” He paused, chuckling darkly to himself. “It was those emotions that the Phantoms relied upon to keep them with you.”
“It was worse than that.”
“Worse?”
“They brainwashed me.” Ianto sighed deeply, pain still welling up onto his eyelids. “Gave me the life I wanted; a wife and a son.” He smiled, still able to see the small child before his eyes, remembering how proud he had once felt as his arms had been so tightly wrapped around his small body. “But then they took it away. They played with me, tortured me, killed the ones I loved over and over until I was losing my mind.” He stopped, reaching out to grip Jack’s hand tight in his. “I watched her die Jack…………so many times. I watched her suffer and burn……………and it never stopped. I’d scream but nothing changed. No one would help me.”
Jack didn’t know what to say, or even what to do. He leant forward, gathering up Ianto’s body into his arms, wrapping them as tightly as he could around him, pressing as much warmth and comfort as he could into the embrace. He closed his eyes, hoping with all of his might that this was enough, that the small gesture was enough to prove Ianto wrong, to show him that he did care. To take away the hurt, to numb the pain and to undo all the damage that had been done. It wasn’t possible, he knew that, but right then, there was nothing else that Captain Jack Harkness could do. Once again he was helpless, no longer crippled by the Phantoms, but by emotion instead.
In mere seconds, tight arms clung to him in return, a face sobbing into his shoulder, head and hair shaking against his neck, the noise ringing through the autopsy bay, bouncing from the tiled walls. It was deafening, a constant reminder of the horror of the Phantoms, their evil and their deeds still with a voice even though they were long dead. Leaning down the Captain pressed his eyes shut even tighter, blocking out the memories as he kissed the top of Ianto’s head, stroking at the skin of his neck with his thumbs.
“I’m so sorry Ianto.” He managed to breathe into the younger man’s ear, fighting back his own sobs. “For everything.”
Feeling the man in arms continue to cry, guilt crept upon the Captain like a bitter pill, sticking in his throat as it forced him to swallow it down. It was creeping through him, lapping at his senses, teasing and tormenting at his morality, at his heart. He bit down on it hard, trying to ignore it as it built up higher and higher within his sub conscious. But it wouldn’t go away, pain racing behind it like a constant companion. It was all his fault, everything that had happened to Ianto, how the Phantoms had ever been able to break into his mind. He’d never known, never told him just how important he was until he had been lost to him, a situation more desperate than he could have ever imagined it to be. But worst of all, Jack had made him feel like nothing when so clearly to him now, Ianto Jones meant so much more than that……….
And yet another chapter of Phantoms draws to a close, filled with what I hope was a bit of emotion. Anyway, as ever, this is the bit where I bug you for comments, since well you’ve got this far eh? But honestly any comments I receive are so greatly appreciated, especially for this chapter, which has been a tiny nightmare. Oh yeah, the last Phantoms chapter, its errrr smut *hides* :S But thanks for getting this far, and I hope you’ve enjoyed the series so far! Thanks!!
Just Being Me
xxxxxxx
Click here for the final chapter, "Don't Die Before I Do"
Rating: I like to swear, so 15???
Characters: Jack/Ianto, Rest of the team, new group of alien nasties.
Chapter: Sequel to “Eternus Vestrum”
Spoilers: Set series one, post ‘’Cyberwoman”, but anything Torchwood could be hinted at.
Summary: When Ianto suddenly falls very ill, no one in the team can understand why. Who are the “Phantoms”? And why is Ianto living a life that was never his?
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though. All belongs to the mighty RTD!
Author’s Notes: I’m so sorry that this has taken so long! I got major block halfway through, so I’m hoping *fingers crossed* that it’s going to be ok! Either way, huge thanks have to go to my amazing beta2nd_toshiko for just sticking with me and my random writing. And yes, as always, any comments I receive from you guys really do mean so much. Thanks! :)
Chapter One: Awakening
Chapter Two: Uncommon Death
Chapter Three: I Cry Softly Into Time
Chapter Four: Ghost Of Mine
Chapter Five: Where Mortals Fear To Tread
Chapter Six: Playing With Shadows
Chapter Seven: Is This Sex Or Only Violence?
Chapter Eight: Don’t You Wish You Were Dead Like Me?
Chapter Nine: Hurt Me With Nothing
Chapter Ten: Eternus Vestrum
Ahhhh so many people to thank!! Really, I have to dedicate this as ever to my amazing readers, particularly2nd_toshiko ,naddypants ,skullgirl013 andmorgia for standing by me! You guys are so amazing, all of you! :)
Without you I can never be
With you I am alone too
Without you I count the hours without you
With you the seconds stand still
They aren’t worth it.
Death. The air stank of it, clogged and uneasy around him.
The stagnant air forced its way into his throat, throwing itself into his lungs as he took his first uneasy gasp. He coughed, feeling his heart race against his chest, the blood beginning to flow around his body. His eyes snapped open, his vision blurry and unfocused. He could feel the blood pumping in his ears, sound muffled as he tried to hear the world around him. Slowly he tried to lift himself off the ground, but his body was numb, limbs so distant that he could barely control them. He tried again, harder this time, unsteady arms shaking under the strain as he pulled himself up into an upright position on the tarmac.
It was then that Jack remembered, visions of the battle lying in front of his eyes, dead but not forgotten. He saw the pools of silvery white liquid around him, the Phantoms’ bodies lying like sadistic statues across the tarmac, long slender limbs all reaching out towards him. Dead eyes now free from all colour or pigment, their past intensity long lost. Jack closed his own eyes, his brain still burning within his skull, thoughts coursing through it deeper and deeper with each passing second.
You and I are the same…………I live on in you
The Captain shook his head, attempting to stand, although his weak legs prevented him from even moving. His form collapsed back down onto the tarmac, nerve endings so numb that he barely even felt his body hit the ground.
The air was still and calm around him, lonely and abandoning, the city distant and unforgiving. He looked around at the blank expanse of concrete, taking it in as his eyesight finally returned to something close to normal. The Captain listened, his body becoming more aware around him with each fresh pump of blood from his heart. He could hear the screech of tyres in the distance, the drum of feet against pavement. The shout of voices………
“Jack!” Two figures were running down the alleyway towards him, their shoes drilling out the same melody faster and faster. As they came closer he recognised their anxious faces, both women’s eyes wide and mouths open.
“Jack?” Gwen was kneeling by his side, both hands on his shoulders forcing him to look at her. “Can you hear me? Jack?”
“I………” As the words left his mouth, the Captain realised how dry it was, gulping hard before trying to speak again. “I……… told you not to come here.” He reached out, pointing to the body of one of the Phantoms. “They can………”
“They’re dead Jack.” Toshiko knelt beside Gwen, clicking her comm. unit on in a swift action. “Owen? We’ve got Jack.”
“But what if they hadn’t been dead?” He swallowed, looking into Gwen’s eyes. “You couldn’t be sure.”
“We had to come find you. You’ve been gone hours.”
“I have?”
“Yes! We waited for you to report back, but you never did.” She paused, stroking her hair out from her eyes. “We thought you were dead.”
“But…..” Jack’s voice quaked as he rubbed at his aching eyes. “I don’t remember.”
“Severe brain trauma.” Toshiko quickly nodded to Gwen. “Owen warned me this might happen.” She reached out, pulling Jack’s eyes open as wide as they could go. “Severe disorientation, muscle stiffness?”
“That’s just the half of it.” Jack managed a brief smile, grunting as the feeling slowly returned to his limbs.
“Can you stand?” Gwen asked quickly, turning to Tosh. “Do you think its ok to move him?”
“I’m fine.” The Captain grimaced, feeling two pairs of hands reach under his arms, before watching as they struggled to lift him slowly to his feet. His knees wobbled under the sudden weight, his body landing heavily onto both women’s shoulders. The fluid in his ears sloshed out of control, throwing his body off kilter as the three of them staggered forwards, each step feeling harder than the one before. He sighed, air clambering out of his antiquated lungs. Life was slowly returning to him.
His body bundled into the back of the SUV, the hazy world around him was beginning to make more sense. Toshiko towered above him, a syringe gun in her hand as she neatly clicked in a new cartridge. Her eyes met his, soft and reassuring.
“It’s ok. Owen set everything up. I’m doing exactly what he told me to.” She nodded gently, brushing her hair behind one ear as she lent down, pressing the gun to his neck. The pain was barely noticeable as the needle shot into his skin, a brief tingle through his senses, quickly silenced. He reached up, holding his hand to his neck, staring at her quizzically.
“What…….?”
“Just an adrenaline injection to kick start your system. You were dead a while.” She smiled, stroking his forehead softly. “I’m taking you back to the Hub ok?” She paused, fastening his seatbelt for him in one swift movement. “Can you hear me Jack? I’m taking you back to Ianto.”
Ianto. As the streets of Cardiff whirled past him, Jack felt the adrenaline course through his veins, bringing with it new thoughts as the rush raged through him. Thoughts of his own, not the poisoned thoughts of the Phantoms. Thoughts of Ianto. Of what he’d been fighting for, his smile, his touch, his words. It didn’t matter that he’d left Gwen to clear away the bodies of the Phantoms, or that he would have to cover everything up from the police. All that mattered was Ianto. All that mattered was getting him back………
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Stooping over his only patient, Owen let out a large sigh, the sound so lonely in the empty Hub. He looked to his watch, eyes staring at the hands pointlessly. He felt blind. All of the scanners and CCTV on Charles Street had been knocked out by the device’s signal, leaving the Hub with no trace on what was happening. No trace on Jack. They had sat for two painful hours before Gwen and Tosh left to find him, leaving Owen to tend to his fellow team mate. A constant doctor.
It was a matter of time, the medic knew that. The Phantoms’ most recent victim, Madeleine Blakeley had woken up. He’d been keeping tabs on the hospital, and the information he had gleaned was priceless. She had simply woken up, done the impossible, brain coming back from what the doctor’s thought of as death. The doctor let a soft smile part his lips. Jack had done it. Another life was continuing because of the enigmatic Captain. It had worked.
Turning his attention back to Ianto, Owen busied himself with taking his pulse for the twentieth time. It was no different, the same idle thumping through the veins at his wrists, barely pumping the blood through his system. The doctor shook his head. He couldn’t understand why nothing had changed.
A loud beeping noise shook the autopsy bay, throwing Owen off guard. He heard a spluttering noise, followed by harsh, frantic and shallow breaths. A sharp pain shot out around his wrist as something reached out and grabbed it tight, the grip so desperate that he felt hard nails dig deep into his skin. No, not just something. Owen span round, returning his gaze to his patient. His living patient. Ianto was awake…………
“O….Owen?!” The younger man spluttered helplessly, eyes wide and pale as they flicked around the room around him. “Is…..it……really you?” His grip tightened around the young medic’s wrist. “Please…..tell me you’re real.”
“Ianto?” Owen’s voice was equally frantic as his free hand came to rest on the other man’s shoulder. He applied enough pressure to turn his gaze to his, blue eyes meeting brown in an instant. “Look at me Ianto. Look at me.” He gave him a soft smile, reaching out with a warmth that he rarely felt able to use. “I’m here. You’re really back.”
“Is…..that possible?” Ianto’s chest was beating up and down so fast that it looked as if it may burst through the fabric of his shirt. He swallowed hard, his eyes still maintaining the vigil of the room around him. “It was…..so real. Life………my life………no……Lisa, Jack………my beautiful son. They never…………Oh god…………” Panting now, Ianto’s hands shot to his own throat as he continued to splutter, choking for breath. His desperate hands clung to his neck, clasping at the skin as if to open it up so that he could breathe. His entire body shuddering with panic, Ianto’s pupils became tiny in seconds, as his head shot back to hit the autopsy table. He could barely feel the doctor’s calm hands gently pressing an oxygen mask to his face, the cool rush of gaseous relief soothing his senses as he continued to gasp it in. Ianto’s blank, terrified eyes reached out to Owen, before closing heavily as he slipped out of consciousness.
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He was alive.
His calloused hands stroked against the soft skin of Ianto’s face as Jack remained by his bedside. The skin there was familiar now, a welcome warmth radiating out into his fingertips, caressing his nerves endings with a silent joy. The Captain smiled gently, reassurance washing through him. It hadn’t all been for nothing. Another death had not been in vain.
The face underneath his touch twitched, a long motionless body slowly jumping into life, the adrenaline injection it had been offered finally beginning to have effect. Withdrawing his hand, Jack positioned his face so that Ianto could clearly see him, so that he could see the look of what he hoped was love spreading across his features. He owed him so much…………
For a brief moment, both men simply looked on, a tenderness in both their features that was beyond words. Everything they had learned, everything they had realised coming to a head, like pressure below a healing wound. Blue met blue, electricity sparking between them, neither able to shift their gaze. After all that had happened, and it had come to this. Neither wanted to break the silence. For both of them, the silence had to be heard.
“Jack………” Ianto smiled, blinking back sore tears as he felt the tension shatter around them, shards of it seeming to stick in his throat. “I’m so sorry.”
“Shhhhhh………” A soft hand reached out to gently stroke his hair. “What for?”
“For it all……. It was my fault. All of it.” He swallowed hard, trying to ignore the emotion pouring from his eyes. “I never meant to……”
“Never meant to what Yan?”
“I let them in………” The younger man’s voice was shaking, straining underneath the weight of his words. “They offered me another life………the life I’d always wanted. An escape Jack.”
“Ianto….”
“No.” His words stronger this time, Ianto reached out, grasping Jack’s wrist in his. “I want to say this…..” He visibly gulped, water gently rolling from his eyes. “They offered me a way out, and I took it without thinking, without a thought for anything……….for anyone-”
“Ianto, stop.”
“Please Jack!” The grip on his wrist tightened. “You knew nothing……… I always tried to……… I kept everything quiet just the way you liked it.” He paused, still breathless and weak, yet maintaining the eye contact between them. “You never even knew did you?”
“Knew what?”
“How I was feeling Jack!” There was no way of suppressing the words now as they leapt from his mouth, every beat of his young heart forcing them further out into the air around them both. “How much I ached every time you touched me. How I wanted it all so much, but at the same time, it was such a betrayal.” He choked, eyes finally leaving the Captain’s, unable to dwell upon the pain that lay there, equal to his own.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jack tucked a gentle hand under his chin, forcing his face back to face his. “Why keep it all locked away?”
“How could I tell you?!” Fresh tears burst from the younger man’s eyes. “How could I have told anyone any of this?! No one understood, no one seemed to care……………” He paused, pleading eyes grasping at Jack’s with a new desperation. “Except them.”
“The Phantoms?”
“That day……” The younger man nodded grimly. “They got into my head, talked to me, told me that they could make it all better.” He visibly gulped, voice continuing to tremble. “They told me that you didn’t care! They convinced me that I had lost the one person who truly cared……They offered me Lisa, Jack.”
“She was never real Ianto.”
“You think I don’t know that?!” The younger man’s eyes were burning as his voice snapped its reply, his weak body hauling itself up in an instant to sit face to face with Jack. “She wasn’t my Lisa………she was a lie. I know that now.”
“She wasn’t a lie either.”
“The what was she Jack?! Give me one good explanation for what she was.”
“She was your love.” Jack paused, feeling tears stir behind his own features, fighting to contain him. “The love and memories that you too shared, shaped into a device. Something that they could use against you.”
“Is that what they do? Take your memories and shape them into something wrong?”
“Yes.”
“Then why does it still hurt so much Jack?” His voice breaking again, Ianto’s watery eyes met with the Captain’s. “Why do I feel like I’ve lost her again?”
“Because you have. Whether she was real or not, they brought her to life in your mind. Pushed her to the front of your thoughts. They knew just how much to hurt you.”
“I’m so sorry Jack.” His voice feeble and weak, the words left the young Welshman’s mouth in a mumble, his mouth to loose to shape them properly. “I never meant for any of this………”
“I don’t blame you.” Jack smiled in return, this time moving his gaze from Ianto’s, staring down into his own lap. “I know what it’s like. To lose the person you love the most.” He paused, chuckling darkly to himself. “It was those emotions that the Phantoms relied upon to keep them with you.”
“It was worse than that.”
“Worse?”
“They brainwashed me.” Ianto sighed deeply, pain still welling up onto his eyelids. “Gave me the life I wanted; a wife and a son.” He smiled, still able to see the small child before his eyes, remembering how proud he had once felt as his arms had been so tightly wrapped around his small body. “But then they took it away. They played with me, tortured me, killed the ones I loved over and over until I was losing my mind.” He stopped, reaching out to grip Jack’s hand tight in his. “I watched her die Jack…………so many times. I watched her suffer and burn……………and it never stopped. I’d scream but nothing changed. No one would help me.”
Jack didn’t know what to say, or even what to do. He leant forward, gathering up Ianto’s body into his arms, wrapping them as tightly as he could around him, pressing as much warmth and comfort as he could into the embrace. He closed his eyes, hoping with all of his might that this was enough, that the small gesture was enough to prove Ianto wrong, to show him that he did care. To take away the hurt, to numb the pain and to undo all the damage that had been done. It wasn’t possible, he knew that, but right then, there was nothing else that Captain Jack Harkness could do. Once again he was helpless, no longer crippled by the Phantoms, but by emotion instead.
In mere seconds, tight arms clung to him in return, a face sobbing into his shoulder, head and hair shaking against his neck, the noise ringing through the autopsy bay, bouncing from the tiled walls. It was deafening, a constant reminder of the horror of the Phantoms, their evil and their deeds still with a voice even though they were long dead. Leaning down the Captain pressed his eyes shut even tighter, blocking out the memories as he kissed the top of Ianto’s head, stroking at the skin of his neck with his thumbs.
“I’m so sorry Ianto.” He managed to breathe into the younger man’s ear, fighting back his own sobs. “For everything.”
Feeling the man in arms continue to cry, guilt crept upon the Captain like a bitter pill, sticking in his throat as it forced him to swallow it down. It was creeping through him, lapping at his senses, teasing and tormenting at his morality, at his heart. He bit down on it hard, trying to ignore it as it built up higher and higher within his sub conscious. But it wouldn’t go away, pain racing behind it like a constant companion. It was all his fault, everything that had happened to Ianto, how the Phantoms had ever been able to break into his mind. He’d never known, never told him just how important he was until he had been lost to him, a situation more desperate than he could have ever imagined it to be. But worst of all, Jack had made him feel like nothing when so clearly to him now, Ianto Jones meant so much more than that……….
And yet another chapter of Phantoms draws to a close, filled with what I hope was a bit of emotion. Anyway, as ever, this is the bit where I bug you for comments, since well you’ve got this far eh? But honestly any comments I receive are so greatly appreciated, especially for this chapter, which has been a tiny nightmare. Oh yeah, the last Phantoms chapter, its errrr smut *hides* :S But thanks for getting this far, and I hope you’ve enjoyed the series so far! Thanks!!
Just Being Me
xxxxxxx
Click here for the final chapter, "Don't Die Before I Do"