Without You
Title: Without You
Rating: PG (I’m behaving)
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Jack/Ianto
Chapters: All in one.
Spoilers: Anything Torchwood could be hinted at. Set after Exit Wounds, although not hugely spoilery.
Summary: Jack might be immortal, but that doesn’t mean Ianto is haunted by the fear of losing him.
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.
Author’s Notes: So I felt inspired to write something a bit different, and what did I come up with? This, possibly the strangest thing I’ve written in a while. Guess you could call it experimental. Anyhow, big thanks must go to my beta 2nd_toshiko for being a real sweetie and in advance to anyone who may read this! As always, your comments keep me scribbling, even if it is random explorative dribble like this. Thanks :)
Dedicated to my golden girls, 2nd_toshiko , naddypants and skullgirl013 . Thanks girlies!! :D
September. The Hub stank of it, stale summer air lying around waiting to be replaced by the cold bite of winter. It was ominous, darkness of night creeping in, the days growing shorter like a burning out candle. A soft chill whirled through the atmosphere, rasping at everything, everyone, teeth gnashed and awaiting the change of the seasons. Everything was changing again.
Ianto had never liked September. It was too disorganised for him, a month that one could never call clean cut. There were days when the sun would shine down gently on you, where its rays would brush against your skin and the radiance of summer would linger on. Then there were days where the weather became bitter, tired, almost throwing itself straight into winter like a child in a tantrum. It was unpredictable, stormy, and occasionally……dark.
Just like Captain Jack Harkness.
Ianto shook his head, opening up his diary in front of him, finding the next fresh page. Him again. He cursed himself for remembering him, mind immediately flicking back to the enigmatic man that he called leader. The man who meant so much to all of them. The man who meant so much to him. The man that he called lover.
But what has love got to do with it?
He never stood a chance. Ianto Jones was never a overly emotional man, he took after his father, enforcing almost Victorian values of self preservation. He never fell fast, never fell without knowing and he never let his emotions blind him from what was good and proper.
Except with Jack. I fell so fast, I fell without realising it. Fuck anything else.
But that wasn’t what terrified him. For the first time in so long, Ianto Jones wasn’t running from love. He was embracing it, throwing its warm arms around him and refusing to let go. He wasn’t hiding, he was screaming, drawing attention towards him like a magnet. He wanted them to know. He wanted the world to know.
But that isn’t what terrifies me.
One thought haunted his dreams, made him wake up panting, hands grasping at the sheets. The same nightmare, repeated, amplified, growing like something in escapable. The same nightmare haunting him, chasing him down…..
I just can’t escape it.
Now that he had this life, had this Jack, he didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to lose it all. He couldn’t lose it all. Not now. Not ever. He heart could never take it. God, he’d lost so much recently, felt things that he had tried to forgot, remembered the intense sadness that could only ever be compared to Lisa. He knew that anymore might just break him, smash what was left of his resolve into fragmented glass.
But what if I do lose it all?
I love him, more than words can say.
I need him, more than actions could ever show.
I want him, more than kisses could ever tell.
He’s immortal, he’s promised me forever.
But I can still lose him.
What happens when I do?
He knew it was all irrational, fleeting thoughts that darkened his mind, scaring him senseless. If he could, he would have discounted them, thrown them aside with a smile and sought out the love he so greatly needed from Jack. After all, that was what he had become so accustomed to recently, the life he now knew. Except these fears were different. The others were the same stupid fears everyone suffers from, like when you wake up and suddenly think that you could never even bear to be dead. But these fears, they were more organic, grown from real life, sowed by true events. How many times had he almost lost his beloved Captain?
To Abaddon. I can still see his pale face lying in front of me, eyes closed and skin cold. Lifeless. Jack…..without life. It’s was all so wrong. I remember waiting for him, tidying his office religiously everyday, hoping to absorb the mere scent of him, anything to remind me of him. I couldn’t sit with him, couldn’t grieve like Gwen, not so publicly. Not with my emotions hanging out loosely from my sleeves. No, I cried in private, alone, pain and anguish washing over me every time I tried to close my eyes. Without him I was isolated by my grief.
To The Doctor. I blamed myself, of course I did. I should have told him, as soon as he came back, I should have yelled at him just how much I loved him. He didn’t know, never suspected how I felt, never realised there was anything to keep him here. So he left me, found his Doctor and abandoned me without a second thought. I remember it being like the sun of Torchwood had disappeared, the Hub was no longer warm, was no longer home. Without him I was frozen by rejection.
To Grey. That day, that evil night when our lives, when
Cardiff had been turned into a chaos far worse than we’d ever seen before, we needed him. I needed him. And he wasn’t there. Stolen this time, by his past life, by his past actions that I or Torchwood were never a part of. I remember feeling frustrated, because there was never anything I could do. I just had to have faith, hope that someway he’d find a way back to me. And he did, but at a cost so unimaginable I almost find it hard to believe. Without him, I was hopeless.
Ianto paused, biting back the pain that he could feel swelling in his chest as he laid down his pen. The memories were still raw, still burning in his heart, and he doubted that they would ever fade. Never go away. Just like the frozen body of his friend below him. It was all so permanent. So unfair. His friends had never deserved the lives that fate had tossed them. Never deserved the deaths that life had thrown to the table. It was wrong. And it felt as if things would never be right again. Ianto clenched his fists, feeling a familiar lump in his throat, rising, building, mounting. Inescapable.
“Yan?” Jack’s voice was soft as he peered round the door to his office, the sudden noise causing him to jump, heart suddenly pounding.
“Yes sir?”
“Would I be wrong to ask for a coffee right now? It’s going to be a long night.”
“Not in the slightest.” Ianto stood up quickly, dropping his diary down onto the couch, page covered in his thoughts. “I’ll have to get some more beans though.” He nodded quickly, desperately trying to hide his face.
“Oh……you don’t have-”
“I don’t mind.” Ianto forced a smile, stepping towards the cog door, feeling the tears behind his eyes fall as soon as he turned his back. “Jack?” He stopped suddenly, not able to turn round and face him.
“Yeah?”
“You’ll be here when I get back won’t you?”
“Always.”
As fresh tears fell down his cheeks, Ianto afforded himself a small smile. He’d lost so much to Torchwood that sometimes it made him wish that he had never become a part of it, any of it. But in return, Torchwood had given him the one thing he’d been missing. A constant. Captain Jack Harkness. And Ianto Jones would be damned if he was going to lose him again….
(Quick Note: This piece was inspired by the Rammstein song “Ohne Dich”(without you). Somehow, I felt it kind of fitted with some of the lyrics.)
So what do you think? Like I may have mentioned, this piece was just a random thing I had an urge to write, but as usual your comments mean the world! Thank you!!!!
Just Being Me
xxxxxxx
Rating: PG (I’m behaving)
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Jack/Ianto
Chapters: All in one.
Spoilers: Anything Torchwood could be hinted at. Set after Exit Wounds, although not hugely spoilery.
Summary: Jack might be immortal, but that doesn’t mean Ianto is haunted by the fear of losing him.
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.
Author’s Notes: So I felt inspired to write something a bit different, and what did I come up with? This, possibly the strangest thing I’ve written in a while. Guess you could call it experimental. Anyhow, big thanks must go to my beta 2nd_toshiko for being a real sweetie and in advance to anyone who may read this! As always, your comments keep me scribbling, even if it is random explorative dribble like this. Thanks :)
Dedicated to my golden girls, 2nd_toshiko , naddypants and skullgirl013 . Thanks girlies!! :D
September. The Hub stank of it, stale summer air lying around waiting to be replaced by the cold bite of winter. It was ominous, darkness of night creeping in, the days growing shorter like a burning out candle. A soft chill whirled through the atmosphere, rasping at everything, everyone, teeth gnashed and awaiting the change of the seasons. Everything was changing again.
Ianto had never liked September. It was too disorganised for him, a month that one could never call clean cut. There were days when the sun would shine down gently on you, where its rays would brush against your skin and the radiance of summer would linger on. Then there were days where the weather became bitter, tired, almost throwing itself straight into winter like a child in a tantrum. It was unpredictable, stormy, and occasionally……dark.
Just like Captain Jack Harkness.
Ianto shook his head, opening up his diary in front of him, finding the next fresh page. Him again. He cursed himself for remembering him, mind immediately flicking back to the enigmatic man that he called leader. The man who meant so much to all of them. The man who meant so much to him. The man that he called lover.
But what has love got to do with it?
He never stood a chance. Ianto Jones was never a overly emotional man, he took after his father, enforcing almost Victorian values of self preservation. He never fell fast, never fell without knowing and he never let his emotions blind him from what was good and proper.
Except with Jack. I fell so fast, I fell without realising it. Fuck anything else.
But that wasn’t what terrified him. For the first time in so long, Ianto Jones wasn’t running from love. He was embracing it, throwing its warm arms around him and refusing to let go. He wasn’t hiding, he was screaming, drawing attention towards him like a magnet. He wanted them to know. He wanted the world to know.
But that isn’t what terrifies me.
One thought haunted his dreams, made him wake up panting, hands grasping at the sheets. The same nightmare, repeated, amplified, growing like something in escapable. The same nightmare haunting him, chasing him down…..
I just can’t escape it.
Now that he had this life, had this Jack, he didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to lose it all. He couldn’t lose it all. Not now. Not ever. He heart could never take it. God, he’d lost so much recently, felt things that he had tried to forgot, remembered the intense sadness that could only ever be compared to Lisa. He knew that anymore might just break him, smash what was left of his resolve into fragmented glass.
But what if I do lose it all?
I love him, more than words can say.
I need him, more than actions could ever show.
I want him, more than kisses could ever tell.
He’s immortal, he’s promised me forever.
But I can still lose him.
What happens when I do?
He knew it was all irrational, fleeting thoughts that darkened his mind, scaring him senseless. If he could, he would have discounted them, thrown them aside with a smile and sought out the love he so greatly needed from Jack. After all, that was what he had become so accustomed to recently, the life he now knew. Except these fears were different. The others were the same stupid fears everyone suffers from, like when you wake up and suddenly think that you could never even bear to be dead. But these fears, they were more organic, grown from real life, sowed by true events. How many times had he almost lost his beloved Captain?
To Abaddon. I can still see his pale face lying in front of me, eyes closed and skin cold. Lifeless. Jack…..without life. It’s was all so wrong. I remember waiting for him, tidying his office religiously everyday, hoping to absorb the mere scent of him, anything to remind me of him. I couldn’t sit with him, couldn’t grieve like Gwen, not so publicly. Not with my emotions hanging out loosely from my sleeves. No, I cried in private, alone, pain and anguish washing over me every time I tried to close my eyes. Without him I was isolated by my grief.
To The Doctor. I blamed myself, of course I did. I should have told him, as soon as he came back, I should have yelled at him just how much I loved him. He didn’t know, never suspected how I felt, never realised there was anything to keep him here. So he left me, found his Doctor and abandoned me without a second thought. I remember it being like the sun of Torchwood had disappeared, the Hub was no longer warm, was no longer home. Without him I was frozen by rejection.
To Grey. That day, that evil night when our lives, when
Cardiff had been turned into a chaos far worse than we’d ever seen before, we needed him. I needed him. And he wasn’t there. Stolen this time, by his past life, by his past actions that I or Torchwood were never a part of. I remember feeling frustrated, because there was never anything I could do. I just had to have faith, hope that someway he’d find a way back to me. And he did, but at a cost so unimaginable I almost find it hard to believe. Without him, I was hopeless.
Ianto paused, biting back the pain that he could feel swelling in his chest as he laid down his pen. The memories were still raw, still burning in his heart, and he doubted that they would ever fade. Never go away. Just like the frozen body of his friend below him. It was all so permanent. So unfair. His friends had never deserved the lives that fate had tossed them. Never deserved the deaths that life had thrown to the table. It was wrong. And it felt as if things would never be right again. Ianto clenched his fists, feeling a familiar lump in his throat, rising, building, mounting. Inescapable.
“Yan?” Jack’s voice was soft as he peered round the door to his office, the sudden noise causing him to jump, heart suddenly pounding.
“Yes sir?”
“Would I be wrong to ask for a coffee right now? It’s going to be a long night.”
“Not in the slightest.” Ianto stood up quickly, dropping his diary down onto the couch, page covered in his thoughts. “I’ll have to get some more beans though.” He nodded quickly, desperately trying to hide his face.
“Oh……you don’t have-”
“I don’t mind.” Ianto forced a smile, stepping towards the cog door, feeling the tears behind his eyes fall as soon as he turned his back. “Jack?” He stopped suddenly, not able to turn round and face him.
“Yeah?”
“You’ll be here when I get back won’t you?”
“Always.”
As fresh tears fell down his cheeks, Ianto afforded himself a small smile. He’d lost so much to Torchwood that sometimes it made him wish that he had never become a part of it, any of it. But in return, Torchwood had given him the one thing he’d been missing. A constant. Captain Jack Harkness. And Ianto Jones would be damned if he was going to lose him again….
(Quick Note: This piece was inspired by the Rammstein song “Ohne Dich”(without you). Somehow, I felt it kind of fitted with some of the lyrics.)
So what do you think? Like I may have mentioned, this piece was just a random thing I had an urge to write, but as usual your comments mean the world! Thank you!!!!
Just Being Me
xxxxxxx