Whenever (Part IV)
Pairing: JongKey
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Coming-of-Age, AU, Sci-Fi
Beta-ed by: desiderada
Summary: Time is to Jonghyun as colours are to the blind. Unfortunately, it isn't as passive to Kibum.
← Part III
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Kibum is a bit dazed, thoughts a blur because all he can seem to focus on is how warm he feels and how Jonghyun’s eyes are such a deep shade of brown. His stomach mimics coiling into knots when Jonghyun grants him a small, private smile and for a moment, if only one short second, it’s like things are alright. Will be alright.
The soft click of a lock and the creaking of a door interrupts it all and Kibum is nothing short of mortified when he turns his head only to see his grandmother peeking at them. He quickly backs away, out of Jonghyun’s reach and touch, eyes wide as she looks back and forth between them. His heart is in a frenzy and he openly gawks when she says-
“I thought I heard voices. Are you kids hungry?”
Kibum blinks as Jonghyun leans forward into a small bow, still smiling. Kibum sort of wants to elbow him in the ribs and hide behind him but he ends up doing neither when Jonghyun takes his hand and pulls him inside, all the way to the kitchen. His grandmother shuffles in before them and Kibum stands awkwardly in the middle of the room while Jonghyun sits down at the table - smile somewhat amused by then - and bends down to pet his dog. Kibum glares at him and hesitantly goes up to his grandmother who is busying herself over the kitchen counter, stuffing cabbage to make kimchi.
“Grandma,” he mutters, “about that…” and here he wants to say something like it’s nothing, like it’s completely normal even though it isn’t but all he can think of is please don’t tell mom and dad.
“It’s okay Kibummie,” is her answer, her tone calm and conversational, “it’s been long enough anyway.”
Now that has Kibum standing dumbly behind her, unable to form words as he silently gapes at her and tries to ignore his irritation at Jonghyun’s not-so-subtle choked giggles.
“W-what?” is all he can utter. She turns around and places a small bowl filled with cherry-sized tomatoes on the table before patting him on the head with a motherly smile, making him feel at least ten years younger.
“It’s not a surprise,” she kindly explains but somehow Kibum is still unable to fully process it. “Don’t worry,” she quickly adds upon seeing his expression, “I won’t tell your parents.”
With that, she ushers him into the chair opposite Jonghyun and grants him another smile. When Kibum looks up, it’s to the sight of Jonghyun attempting to hide his grin by biting into a tomato. Kibum tries to kick him under the table but pitifully misses and catches the chair instead, swearing under his breath at the sharp pain in his toes.
His grandmother proceeds to chat them up, asking about their day and seemingly unconcerned with what she had just witnessed. It has Kibum breathing a sigh of relief, although he does suddenly feel a lot more self-conscious when she waves at them as he climbs the stairs to his bedroom with Jonghyun behind him.
Kibum lets himself fall face first onto his bed, wanting nothing more than to melt and become one with the sheets, all matters of studies and assigned readings forgotten. He feels Jonghyun settle beside him with a light chuckle and a part of him wants to snap back because none of this is funny but he keeps quiet when a warm hand caresses his shoulder. They remain quiet for a while as Jonghyun rubs his back comfortingly.
“I really don’t know what to do about school,” Kibum voices out loud, words muted by his pillow. Even Jonghyun’s touch can’t quite keep him from feeling defeated.
“I know,” Jonghyun speaks softly, and Kibum rolls his eyes even though the other can’t see it.
“Yeah, well, you know everything.” The words are slightly bitter, meant with a spiteful edge but Jonghyun chuckles to them anyway. They both fall back into a thoughtful silence.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kibum knows he’s asking for all the wrong reasons, but he wants to know. He thinks he deserves to hear it.
Jonghyun’s hand stops moving over his back, instead curling around his ribs.
“About what?” Jonghyun asks, but his tone, all too hesitant, gives him away and Kibum wonders why he’s even asking.
“About the mess I was getting myself into,” he speaks up, and Jonghyun’s hand pushes him over so that they’re face to face. He looks uncharacteristically tired, far from his usual goofy, cheery self.
“Would you have blindly listened to me?” Jonghyun says knowingly, brow furrowed as he searches Kibum’s eyes and the latter feels uneasy under the scrutiny. “Wouldn’t you have always wondered afterwards about what would have happened if you hadn’t listened to me and gone your own way?”
Kibum frowns, because even if Jonghyun might be right he’s still stubborn.
“Yes,” he half-heartedly admits, “but it’s got to be better than messing up and having to start over without a clue.”
“You haven’t messed up,” Jonghyun speaks lowly, hand gliding down his side to fist in his shirt, like he wants Kibum to believe him. “You tried something and it didn’t work. So what? You try something else and the past is past.”
Kibum shakes his head, wondering if Jonghyun would ever see time the way he does.
“I can’t do that forever, Jjong. At some point I’ll have to pick something and commit. Life doesn’t go on forever, you know, and it just feels like I’m wasting my time,” he speaks tersely, because Jonghyun still doesn’t get it.
The other doesn’t answer to that, and Kibum is glad for it. He rolls onto his back with a sigh and Jonghyun’s hand slips off his side, the boy looking confused - troubled, almost.
“I’m sorry,” Kibum finds himself apologizing at once, “I’m just… frustrated. And I don’t know how to tell my parents.”
“Tell them the truth.”
Kibum scoffs loudly - as if - but stops abruptly once his eyes land on Jonghyun. For the first time, he looks out of place on Kibum’s mattress, unsure and, somehow, so small. Kibum feels his heart squeeze with guilt because even through all his bold irritation and impatience, he never meant to hurt him.
He sits up and scoots over to him, running his hands over his thighs when Jonghyun doesn’t look up. He pulls him into a hug, resting his head on his shoulder and feels only slightly better when Jonghyun slowly returns the gesture.
***
For the most part, Kibum endures his classes and ploughs through the workload half-heartedly at best. He schedules a few visits with an academic advisor but what the middle-aged woman tells him unsettles him more than anything.
“You would do well in arts.”
He thinks back to what Jonghyun had told him and as much as he wishes it weren’t, the only way for him to experience what he likes and doesn’t like is to try. He begins to look through the arts and languages department for possible classes he could take, along with management and marketing classes on the side because those he’s come to tolerate.
He still hasn’t told anything to his parents yet, so he runs it by his grandmother first. She has proven to be quite the partner in crime, and it has Kibum doubting whether he has done her justice with his bratty attitude all these years; he is more than grateful for her support and trust concerning everything from his high school dance classes to Jonghyun. To hear her say she stands behind him no matter what means more than he can thank her for.
Jonghyun isn’t there the night he catches his mother home and decides to tell her - his dad being away as usual. There’s no screaming, but there is a lot of frowning and the occasional raised voice. Although Kibum doesn’t sleep much that night, he feels a considerable weight lifted from his shoulders. All that’s missing is Jonghyun by his side, humming along to a song from the future.
Midterms soon come and go, leaving Kibum in a much brighter mood by the end of them. He doesn’t think twice when he sees Jonghyun as he steps out onto the university campus at the end of the day and rushes towards him. Jonghyun takes his hand and asks him how his day was, Kibum’s answer voicing itself in the form of a simple smile.
“Do you want me to show you around?” Kibum asks, and the way Jonghyun nods eagerly in response has him biting back a chuckle.
“No homework today?” Jonghyun speaks up as they set out onto the campus’ main street.
“It can wait.”
Jonghyun smiles and squeezes his hand a little. Kibum tugs him around the campus - there isn’t much to show, actually, but he knows it isn’t the view Jonghyun is interested in. He’s seen or will see it all already, anyway. Kibum ends their little tour in front of the gym, proclaiming, “I’ve actually never been inside.”
Jonghyun’s eyes light up in a way that Kibum has come to learn means he just remembered something and, judging by the smile he’s trying to conceal, it’s something good.
“What?” Kibum asks when Jonghyun fiddles with their fingers.
“Do you want to go inside?” is his answer. Kibum narrows his eyes at him knowingly.
“Okay?” he agrees, unsure, but has no other choice than to follow the other once he leads them inside. It’s a normal gym, with clean locker rooms and stairs that lead to a second floor. Jonghyun pulls him towards them and Kibum wonders what it means if Jonghyun apparently knows this place so well but keeps quiet as they emerge into a mirrored studio of sorts, complete with ballet bars and a stereo in a corner.
He turns to looks at Jonghyun, brow furrowed, but the other simply grins back.
“What’s up with you and making me dance?” Kibum pries, half-serious and half-teasing.
“It makes you happy,” and Jonghyun somehow makes it sound so simple. “The university has a dance club. You should join.”
Kibum stares at him for a while, taking in his big eyes and honest smile, wondering why he of all people has someone like Jonghyun drop into his life over and over again.
“Okay,” he ends up agreeing, because what else can he say?
***
Kibum dyes his hair again after having joined the dance club - there are mostly girls in the team, but the few boys he’s talked to seem nice, albeit a bit cocky, and their coach isn’t much older than them. Kibum likes it. It’s only after his first practice that he realizes how much he’s missed dancing.
Jonghyun doesn’t complain, even helps him when they spend one too many hours in the bathroom, all for the sake of green and blue highlights to add to his red-turned-purplish streaks. Kibum thanks him with a quick peck to his cheek and Jonghyun’s giddy expression is more than worth it.
Kibum feels drained after having spent the whole day studying to the sound of Jonghyun’s voice, so once his now colourful hair is dry, he settles down on the front steps of his house and leans against Jonghyun, in need of fresh air. It’s the perfect excuse to watch the sun set over the neighbourhood and take his mind off of things he would rather not think about. Not now, anyway.
Jonghyun is humming what sounds like a classical melody and Kibum rests his head on his shoulder, muttering, “I’m sorry if I stain your shirt.”
“You won’t,” Jonghyun replies casually, interrupting the melody and everything is quiet after that.
Both are watching the sky slowly turn orange when the front door opens behind them and Coco comes bounding towards them. Kibum takes him and places him in his lap, chuckling a little when he tries to lick his and Jonghyun’s hands.
“He was whining and scratching at the door,” his grandmother tells them from where she’s standing in the doorway. “Just come in when you’re ready for dinner.”
They both thank her and the door closes once more, leaving them to their musings, now with a pleased pup spread across their thighs. Coco nuzzles Jonghyun’s hand when he tries to pet him and Kibum finds it funny - a little ironic, too - how Coco has always blindly adored the other boy, even from the very first time they met.
“Jjong?” Kibum asks, and he knows Jonghyun is listening by the way he straightens up slightly beside him. “Do you really not know why you’re here or were you just saying that because I wasn’t ready to hear it back then?”
He tilts his head to the side and observes the way Jonghyun frowns, as though troubled or in deep thought, and the way his eyes remain cast over the horizon as expected whenever Kibum questions him seriously.
“It was the truth,” Jonghyun eventually shares, granting the other a fleeting glance that becomes more than that when their eyes lock. “I have my guesses, but I figured the ‘why’ or ‘how’ are not what really matter, in the end.”
Kibum hums - that, he understands. Somehow, the feeling warms him on the inside; the feeling that, with time, Kibum would be able to understand him more and more, this stranger that keeps waiting for him. He’s curious about Jonghyun’s thoughts, his guesses, but it feels wrong to ask about them so he turns to other of his questions.
“Don’t you find it strange that you just pop up here? Has it happened to others?”
“Out of everything I’ve told you that’s what you find strange?” Jonghyun tells him with a hint of humour in his tone. There’s a slight curve to his lips and for a second Kibum can’t bring himself to believe he’s kissed them before.
Kibum rolls his eyes even though he’s smiling a little, too, and looks down to pet his dog, fingers bumping into Jonghyun’s.
“Fine,” Kibum concedes, playing along, “just a… a little strange.”
“You have a warped sense of reality, Kibum,” Jonghyun mocks him with an overly-solemn tone. The joke isn’t lost on Kibum, who chuckles and shakes his head before leaning into the other again. “But to answer your question,” Jonghyun carries on lightly yet sincerely, “no. Not that I know of.”
“What do you mean?”
“I never ‘talk’ about it,” Jonghyun explains, “or whatever you want to call that where I’m from.”
“Why?” Kibum cuts in faster than Jonghyun can continue.
“Because I’m afraid they’ll find a way to stop me from coming if I do.”
Jonghyun casually shrugs at that, all too forced, but his words have Kibum frowning.
“Shouldn’t you already know if you’d stop coming in the future?” he asks, a valid question by his reasoning.
“I…” and Jonghyun seems to struggle with what he wants to say for a moment, “I try not to think about my memories too much, because I don’t like knowing what comes next. It feels wrong.”
Silence settles over them and Kibum tenses, a feeling of dread constricting his insides as he ponders what Jonghyun means by all this.
“Does that mean you’ll stop coming at some point? Is that what you’re trying to forget?” he questions, and his heart begins racing because he’s never been more anxious to hear one of Jonghyun’s answers.
“I don’t know,” he sighs, looking incredibly weary all of a sudden. “Like I said, I try not to think about it too much. But you do have many more hairstyles to go through, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Kibum exhales as his heart slowly calms down and glances at the other, who looks rather sheepish what with the way his eyes are subtly searching for Kibum’s. He seems to ease up when he notices Kibum’s gaze on him, and there has never been a time when the latter wished he were braver than he is, brave enough to stretch forward and catch his lips for a kiss.
***
Kibum still hates most of his classes but he endures them nonetheless, motivating himself with the thought that, after this semester, he won’t have to sit through a microeconomics lecture ever again. He’s glad he has dance practice to distract him on those nights Jonghyun isn’t there with (for) him. The team meets up twice a week in the evening, and more than once Kibum has run into a young-looking boy entering the studio as they were finishing. He looks way too young to be in university, even if looks can sometimes be deceiving. They’ve never exchanged more than polite smiles and stiff half-bows, but on a night Jonghyun is nowhere to be found, he decides to change that.
“Hi,” he greets the shorter boy, albeit a bit lamely.
The other looks a bit puzzled but just as intrigued, so he eventually answers, “Hi.”
“I’ve never seen you around campus,” Kibum tells him, “do you come here?”
“No,” and the boy shakes his head, “I just train here. I’m still in high school.”
“Oh,” Kibum says simply, still quite curious but not meaning to pry, “okay. See you around, I guess.”
The boy nods heartily and bends into a bow but Kibum stops him with a hand to his shoulder.
“That’s alright,” he assures him, and something about the boy’s large, surprised eyes amuses him a bit. “See you.”
He sends him a farewell smile as he walks away and is glad to see the boy smile back.
The boy is considerably less shy the next time they meet, and Kibum lingers in the studio after his practice to talk with the younger dancer. Taemin, his name is, and he learns that he’s part of an agency that sets him up with small contracts and that he’s been in a few music videos as a backup dancer. Kibum is rather impressed, to say the least, and whenever he has time and a certain someone isn’t waiting for him outside, he sticks around and has the younger boy teach him a few moves. Taemin is surprisingly easy to get along with - he doesn’t talk much and he’s rather timid, but none of that holds him back when he dances.
There are, however, times when Kibum wishes he talked even less, especially when Jonghyun shows up mid-practice in the studio to sit by the mirror and watch the end, waiting for Kibum. The latter packs his things in a rush, eager to get home, and doesn’t notice it when Taemin quietly shuffles into the room. He takes Jonghyun’s hand out of habit and only then does he spot the younger boy in the mirror, waving at them shyly. Jonghyun waves back and an awkward silence settles between them until Kibum remembers to introduce Jonghyun and Taemin to each other.
“Is he your… well,” Taemin starts, and Kibum only looks at him, clueless, decidedly not expecting what comes next, “your boyfriend?”
Jonghyun had been holding back chuckles even before the words left the young dancer’s mouth, leaving Kibum to splutter out a mess of syllables that sound vaguely like “no” and “it’s complicated”. Taemin nods, looking a little put out by Kibum’s reaction - but what else can he say? What exactly is Jonghyun to him? Kibum is reluctant to label whatever is going on between them, because can he really call it any type of relationship if he considers himself lucky when he gets to see Jonghyun two days in a row?
He knows Jonghyun can tell he’s troubled as they walk home since he’s not even trying to hide it. Jonghyun doesn’t say anything, however; he keeps perfectly quiet as Kibum sinks into his desk chair and fetches his guitar like always. Kibum is evidently distracted and it takes him twice as long to finish anything, so by the time midnight strikes, he resigns himself to shut his textbooks and crawl into bed. It’s a battle to find sleep as he keeps tossing and turning into what he thinks must be the early morning. He feels an arm drape itself across his side after releasing an irritated sigh into his pillow. He inches closer to the warm body next to his and even though sleep still refuses to claim him, he finds it a much more enjoyable way to spend his time.
The end of his first semester in college is just as hard as he expects it to be. The dance club even cancels their practices for those three weeks and he feels bad for not having warned Taemin beforehand, but he doesn’t really have a choice. He doesn’t see Jonghyun much, maybe twice, and even though the boy is usually the best remedy to his stress, a part of him is relieved he won’t have to make the other go through watching him study for hours on end all over again.
As he hands in his last exam, Kibum is both thankful and apprehensive to say goodbye to the world of business and embark into a new program that he more or less knows near nothing about. He vows not to think about it too much in between semesters, following his grandmother’s advice to just enjoy his time off and trying to smile when she casually suggests he visit Jonghyun.
When his father is home for dinner one night, he frowns at Kibum’s choice of attire - baggy, shapeless shorts and a shirt that hangs crookedly on his shoulders - and tells him he should look for a job during his break. What Kibum doesn’t tell him is that he’s secretly afraid of becoming like him.
Still, he ends up counting pills for a few days at his mother’s hospital, and while he doesn’t despise being there, he certainly doesn’t enjoy it. He wonders how his mother can come back to this place night after night to tend to complete strangers. It’s when he sees her hunched over an elderly patient, tucking them into the white, stiff bed that he sees a whole new side of her: the caring and gentle side, the one that’s boundless in its generosity and for a moment he just stands there, observing.
His first reaction upon receiving his paycheck is surprise, because according to him it seems like there are at least a few digits missing. There is no error, however, even if it seems like his shifts were endless. The next day, he wakes up late, groggily dragging his feet to the kitchen to get something to eat and runs into his mother who is just coming home from her shift. There are loose strands of hair coming out from her bun and she looks weary, her scrubs stained in places but she smiles at him while wishing him a good day - and Kibum comes to understand the phrase “labour of love” a little more.
The new semester eventually starts and Kibum heads to his new classes with an open mind. His introductory communications and media class catches his attention and he feels more than a little relieved because it finally feels like he’s found something - maybe not what he wants to do for the rest of his life, but something worthwhile, worth going to school for. It’s a relief.
His art of performance class is more intriguing than anything, however, and Kibum quickly discovers a side of himself he’s only ever glimpsed before; the side that loves to stand on a stage, that loves to perform for an audience. When he tells Jonghyun about it, the boy merely smiles and reminds him that he’s a good dancer and Kibum smiles in turn, simply happy to have him by his side for the night.
He wants to tell Jonghyun that he matters, that he’s always mattered to him in a way but he can’t seem to put his feelings into words whenever they are face to face because as much as Kibum wants to be intimate, he is still guarded. That conversation he had with Jonghyun a while ago while sitting on his porch never really left his mind and, truly, he doesn’t know what he would do if the boy he’s come to care for were to disappear like he always does only to never come back. Would Kibum spend the rest of his life waiting? It’s an unsettling thought, and he is slowly realizing just how caring too much can hurt, too.
Instead of telling Jonghyun with words, he opts for a subtler way; he dyes his hair again. Brown, this time, with multi-coloured streaks throughout because foreboding thoughts aside, he feels liberated, like things are finally looking up.
Jonghyun seems touchier whenever he sees him these days, but that much he expected - what he hadn’t been expecting is his concerned expression whenever their gazes first lock and the way he eases into the conversation almost carefully only to become his usual self after having asked him about his day. Kibum knows it must have something to do with the future and it confuses him almost as much as it troubles him.
“You’re really scaring me,” he tells him one night, honestly. “I should never have dyed my hair again,” he adds in a mumble, more for himself.
The hand on his thigh squeezes it a bit but Kibum doesn’t look up.
“I’m sorry,” Jonghyun apologizes from where he’s resting on his shoulder. It sounds heartfelt; Kibum hates it.
“I thought things were supposed to get better.”
“They will.”
Somehow, Kibum isn’t so sure anymore.
***
Midterms soon pass and while Kibum finds them much easier to study for than last semester’s exams, reality suddenly catches up to him once more.
His grandmother falls ill, and his mother takes one look at her before deciding to take her to the hospital the next day. The diagnostic is worse than any of them would have thought, but even more devastating is the doctor’s announcement that not much can be done with such an advanced cancer. Kibum watches his grandmother wither away in a hospital bed with an eerie sense of déjà-vu - not that he knew what was coming, but everything seems to fall into place and piece itself together in the most morbid of ways. Kibum visits her as often as he can, studying by her bedside. She doesn’t talk anymore, but he’s been told she is still aware of her surroundings. Jonghyun accompanies him whenever he’s there, offering his silent support.
Two tedious months of this routine find Kibum curled up and trembling in his bed one night, wrapped in Jonghyun’s arms. He wishes they weren’t holding him so tightly because even they will leave him, in the end.
Kibum lets his once colourful streaks fade out and just when they are an off-shade of brown, his grandmother passes away. The day of the funeral, he wakes up feeling exhausted and breathes out a long sigh when Jonghyun isn’t waiting on his doorstep to hold his hand throughout. He feels lonelier than ever, and he figures it must show because even his dad hugs him and whispers to him to make his grandmother proud.
That is how he begins his second year of university: with a heavy heart but the will to set things straight. He misses her, misses the breakfasts she would cook for him and the knowing glances she would grant him whenever Jonghyun was by his side. He regrets never having thanked her properly for everything and wishes so hard that he could turn back time. He envies Jonghyun, envies how fickle time and life on Earth are to him, so much so that he even comes to despise his nature a little. Because he’s different. Because no matter how hard they both try, they will never be on the same page, will never be able to fully sympathize with each other and that no matter how silly or caring Jonghyun may be, he isn’t and will never be human. Somehow, this is all so obvious to him now.
During the first month that goes by without being greeted by Jonghyun’s gentle smile, Kibum is too distracted to really notice his absence. However by the second month, worry slowly begins to creep up inside of him and by the third, the uneasy feeling clenching in his stomach gets him thinking. Thinking about past conversations with Jonghyun about wasting time, about waiting, about hating him and about liking it better when he’s around. He knows he can’t deny that last part without lying to himself, but he would also be lying to himself if he denied wanting to get rid of the helpless frustration that comes from wishing Jonghyun were there and having nothing, absolutely nothing he can do about it. He can’t pick up the phone to hear his voice, can’t look forward to the day he’ll return because he doesn’t know when it will be - he doesn’t even know if he’ll return at all and after three months of falling asleep to the sound of silence, it seems truer than ever. The bitter realization strikes up an old pang of anger within him and it makes Kibum wonder if, sometimes, it’s best to just let go.
He hears his classmates talk about their breaks and about what kind of jobs they have, about making contacts in their field and signing contracts and he thinks it’s time for him to face reality too. It feels like his entire past was spent waiting for Jonghyun, only really living when the other was there, his presence too little and too long in between. He needs to come back down to Earth.
And, to do that, he needs closure.
He doesn’t even feel all that guilty or selfish: Jonghyun had it coming, after all.
It’s a relief to step out of class and not have to look around for someone. It’s a lot less frustrating, too, to notice nobody’s waiting for him when he isn’t expecting them to. Kibum is no stranger to grief, not anymore; he’s learned how to move on.
Still, his heart races in his chest when he spots a boy in baggy jeans and a bland t-shirt with his hands in his pockets standing by the campus’ main entrance for the first time in almost four months. His heart races but his mind is set. The boy may have been a nice fairytale to entertain during his childhood, but it’s time to grow up. Time waits for no one.
Kibum marches up to him while the other keeps smiling at him, like he always does. Kibum flicks his outgrown bangs out of his eyes to look at him properly as they come face to face and as soon as Jonghyun catches the gesture, he tenses up, smile slipping into a frown.
Upon noticing the expression, Kibum’s heartbeat seems to quieten down, if that’s possible, and all he can hear are his thoughts, loud and clear, which are telling him so this is really happening.
He doesn’t feel like opening his mouth and watching Jonghyun’s face darken even more, they both obviously know what’s up, but he still wants to explain himself out loud. He owes the boy that much.
“Jjong,” he starts breathlessly, and the way Jonghyun flinches at that simple syllable ignites a spark of irritation within him because he just looks so resigned. It hurts to realize he won’t even put up a fight, won’t even utter a single protest regardless of whether he knows it wouldn’t change anything. It isn’t human. Kibum vaguely ponders if this is why Jonghyun doesn’t like thinking about his memories too much. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of waiting around for… for-” and he sighs, shrugging, “for I don’t even know what. For something that might never happen.”
Jonghyun keeps himself carefully composed and looks down to his feet so that his long bangs fall in front of his eyes, probably for the better. Kibum stares in the distance above his shoulder.
“I need to start living in reality,” Kibum tells him. And you’re not a part of mine is the unvoiced truth.
Jonghyun doesn’t say anything - he just keeps looking down, and his lack of a reaction has Kibum feeling almost angrier, if anything. He had been naïve enough to think he was worth more to Jonghyun, and it’s precisely that thought that urges him on with what he’s doing, what he’s ending.
“Sometimes I wish you’d just left me alone.” Kibum isn’t tactful and he has never been. He never expected to fall in so deep, either, but none of that matters anymore. He needs to grow up, to start a life and if that’s something he’ll have to do alone, then so be it.
“It’s not that I can’t do this, it’s that I don’t want to keep doing this to myself.”
He pauses long enough for Jonghyun to look up, locking eyes with him when he does and ends with: “Goodbye.”
He turns to leave, and Jonghyun doesn’t chase after him as he walks away.
That night, Kibum stares at himself in the bathroom mirror for a good minute before plugging in his electric razor. He tilts his head to the side and shaves off a section of his brown hair. When he’s done, he stares at himself some more, at his asymmetrical, unbalanced haircut and then at the loose strands littering the bathroom floor and he thinks it’s fitting, how a part of him is missing both inside and out. He goes on to bleach the freshly cut stubble, a stark contrast to what it used to be.
→ Part V
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A/N: Key's hair in this part: RDD red from before, RDD Christmas hair, Jojo streaks, fading Jojo, Brown Jojo, Lucifer (source: as tagged, cr: weareshining or forevershiningshinee as linked).
And to-whomever-it-may-concern, please don't use my hair chronology post while thinking I won't notice. I spent days on that shit. Not cool.
Anywho, thank you for reading and, again, if you have questions I'll gladly answer them (unless doing so would give out spoilers)! Thank you ♥
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Coming-of-Age, AU, Sci-Fi
Beta-ed by: desiderada
Summary: Time is to Jonghyun as colours are to the blind. Unfortunately, it isn't as passive to Kibum.
← Part III
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Kibum is a bit dazed, thoughts a blur because all he can seem to focus on is how warm he feels and how Jonghyun’s eyes are such a deep shade of brown. His stomach mimics coiling into knots when Jonghyun grants him a small, private smile and for a moment, if only one short second, it’s like things are alright. Will be alright.
The soft click of a lock and the creaking of a door interrupts it all and Kibum is nothing short of mortified when he turns his head only to see his grandmother peeking at them. He quickly backs away, out of Jonghyun’s reach and touch, eyes wide as she looks back and forth between them. His heart is in a frenzy and he openly gawks when she says-
“I thought I heard voices. Are you kids hungry?”
Kibum blinks as Jonghyun leans forward into a small bow, still smiling. Kibum sort of wants to elbow him in the ribs and hide behind him but he ends up doing neither when Jonghyun takes his hand and pulls him inside, all the way to the kitchen. His grandmother shuffles in before them and Kibum stands awkwardly in the middle of the room while Jonghyun sits down at the table - smile somewhat amused by then - and bends down to pet his dog. Kibum glares at him and hesitantly goes up to his grandmother who is busying herself over the kitchen counter, stuffing cabbage to make kimchi.
“Grandma,” he mutters, “about that…” and here he wants to say something like it’s nothing, like it’s completely normal even though it isn’t but all he can think of is please don’t tell mom and dad.
“It’s okay Kibummie,” is her answer, her tone calm and conversational, “it’s been long enough anyway.”
Now that has Kibum standing dumbly behind her, unable to form words as he silently gapes at her and tries to ignore his irritation at Jonghyun’s not-so-subtle choked giggles.
“W-what?” is all he can utter. She turns around and places a small bowl filled with cherry-sized tomatoes on the table before patting him on the head with a motherly smile, making him feel at least ten years younger.
“It’s not a surprise,” she kindly explains but somehow Kibum is still unable to fully process it. “Don’t worry,” she quickly adds upon seeing his expression, “I won’t tell your parents.”
With that, she ushers him into the chair opposite Jonghyun and grants him another smile. When Kibum looks up, it’s to the sight of Jonghyun attempting to hide his grin by biting into a tomato. Kibum tries to kick him under the table but pitifully misses and catches the chair instead, swearing under his breath at the sharp pain in his toes.
His grandmother proceeds to chat them up, asking about their day and seemingly unconcerned with what she had just witnessed. It has Kibum breathing a sigh of relief, although he does suddenly feel a lot more self-conscious when she waves at them as he climbs the stairs to his bedroom with Jonghyun behind him.
Kibum lets himself fall face first onto his bed, wanting nothing more than to melt and become one with the sheets, all matters of studies and assigned readings forgotten. He feels Jonghyun settle beside him with a light chuckle and a part of him wants to snap back because none of this is funny but he keeps quiet when a warm hand caresses his shoulder. They remain quiet for a while as Jonghyun rubs his back comfortingly.
“I really don’t know what to do about school,” Kibum voices out loud, words muted by his pillow. Even Jonghyun’s touch can’t quite keep him from feeling defeated.
“I know,” Jonghyun speaks softly, and Kibum rolls his eyes even though the other can’t see it.
“Yeah, well, you know everything.” The words are slightly bitter, meant with a spiteful edge but Jonghyun chuckles to them anyway. They both fall back into a thoughtful silence.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kibum knows he’s asking for all the wrong reasons, but he wants to know. He thinks he deserves to hear it.
Jonghyun’s hand stops moving over his back, instead curling around his ribs.
“About what?” Jonghyun asks, but his tone, all too hesitant, gives him away and Kibum wonders why he’s even asking.
“About the mess I was getting myself into,” he speaks up, and Jonghyun’s hand pushes him over so that they’re face to face. He looks uncharacteristically tired, far from his usual goofy, cheery self.
“Would you have blindly listened to me?” Jonghyun says knowingly, brow furrowed as he searches Kibum’s eyes and the latter feels uneasy under the scrutiny. “Wouldn’t you have always wondered afterwards about what would have happened if you hadn’t listened to me and gone your own way?”
Kibum frowns, because even if Jonghyun might be right he’s still stubborn.
“Yes,” he half-heartedly admits, “but it’s got to be better than messing up and having to start over without a clue.”
“You haven’t messed up,” Jonghyun speaks lowly, hand gliding down his side to fist in his shirt, like he wants Kibum to believe him. “You tried something and it didn’t work. So what? You try something else and the past is past.”
Kibum shakes his head, wondering if Jonghyun would ever see time the way he does.
“I can’t do that forever, Jjong. At some point I’ll have to pick something and commit. Life doesn’t go on forever, you know, and it just feels like I’m wasting my time,” he speaks tersely, because Jonghyun still doesn’t get it.
The other doesn’t answer to that, and Kibum is glad for it. He rolls onto his back with a sigh and Jonghyun’s hand slips off his side, the boy looking confused - troubled, almost.
“I’m sorry,” Kibum finds himself apologizing at once, “I’m just… frustrated. And I don’t know how to tell my parents.”
“Tell them the truth.”
Kibum scoffs loudly - as if - but stops abruptly once his eyes land on Jonghyun. For the first time, he looks out of place on Kibum’s mattress, unsure and, somehow, so small. Kibum feels his heart squeeze with guilt because even through all his bold irritation and impatience, he never meant to hurt him.
He sits up and scoots over to him, running his hands over his thighs when Jonghyun doesn’t look up. He pulls him into a hug, resting his head on his shoulder and feels only slightly better when Jonghyun slowly returns the gesture.
***
For the most part, Kibum endures his classes and ploughs through the workload half-heartedly at best. He schedules a few visits with an academic advisor but what the middle-aged woman tells him unsettles him more than anything.
“You would do well in arts.”
He thinks back to what Jonghyun had told him and as much as he wishes it weren’t, the only way for him to experience what he likes and doesn’t like is to try. He begins to look through the arts and languages department for possible classes he could take, along with management and marketing classes on the side because those he’s come to tolerate.
He still hasn’t told anything to his parents yet, so he runs it by his grandmother first. She has proven to be quite the partner in crime, and it has Kibum doubting whether he has done her justice with his bratty attitude all these years; he is more than grateful for her support and trust concerning everything from his high school dance classes to Jonghyun. To hear her say she stands behind him no matter what means more than he can thank her for.
Jonghyun isn’t there the night he catches his mother home and decides to tell her - his dad being away as usual. There’s no screaming, but there is a lot of frowning and the occasional raised voice. Although Kibum doesn’t sleep much that night, he feels a considerable weight lifted from his shoulders. All that’s missing is Jonghyun by his side, humming along to a song from the future.
Midterms soon come and go, leaving Kibum in a much brighter mood by the end of them. He doesn’t think twice when he sees Jonghyun as he steps out onto the university campus at the end of the day and rushes towards him. Jonghyun takes his hand and asks him how his day was, Kibum’s answer voicing itself in the form of a simple smile.
“Do you want me to show you around?” Kibum asks, and the way Jonghyun nods eagerly in response has him biting back a chuckle.
“No homework today?” Jonghyun speaks up as they set out onto the campus’ main street.
“It can wait.”
Jonghyun smiles and squeezes his hand a little. Kibum tugs him around the campus - there isn’t much to show, actually, but he knows it isn’t the view Jonghyun is interested in. He’s seen or will see it all already, anyway. Kibum ends their little tour in front of the gym, proclaiming, “I’ve actually never been inside.”
Jonghyun’s eyes light up in a way that Kibum has come to learn means he just remembered something and, judging by the smile he’s trying to conceal, it’s something good.
“What?” Kibum asks when Jonghyun fiddles with their fingers.
“Do you want to go inside?” is his answer. Kibum narrows his eyes at him knowingly.
“Okay?” he agrees, unsure, but has no other choice than to follow the other once he leads them inside. It’s a normal gym, with clean locker rooms and stairs that lead to a second floor. Jonghyun pulls him towards them and Kibum wonders what it means if Jonghyun apparently knows this place so well but keeps quiet as they emerge into a mirrored studio of sorts, complete with ballet bars and a stereo in a corner.
He turns to looks at Jonghyun, brow furrowed, but the other simply grins back.
“What’s up with you and making me dance?” Kibum pries, half-serious and half-teasing.
“It makes you happy,” and Jonghyun somehow makes it sound so simple. “The university has a dance club. You should join.”
Kibum stares at him for a while, taking in his big eyes and honest smile, wondering why he of all people has someone like Jonghyun drop into his life over and over again.
“Okay,” he ends up agreeing, because what else can he say?
***
Kibum dyes his hair again after having joined the dance club - there are mostly girls in the team, but the few boys he’s talked to seem nice, albeit a bit cocky, and their coach isn’t much older than them. Kibum likes it. It’s only after his first practice that he realizes how much he’s missed dancing.
Jonghyun doesn’t complain, even helps him when they spend one too many hours in the bathroom, all for the sake of green and blue highlights to add to his red-turned-purplish streaks. Kibum thanks him with a quick peck to his cheek and Jonghyun’s giddy expression is more than worth it.
Kibum feels drained after having spent the whole day studying to the sound of Jonghyun’s voice, so once his now colourful hair is dry, he settles down on the front steps of his house and leans against Jonghyun, in need of fresh air. It’s the perfect excuse to watch the sun set over the neighbourhood and take his mind off of things he would rather not think about. Not now, anyway.
Jonghyun is humming what sounds like a classical melody and Kibum rests his head on his shoulder, muttering, “I’m sorry if I stain your shirt.”
“You won’t,” Jonghyun replies casually, interrupting the melody and everything is quiet after that.
Both are watching the sky slowly turn orange when the front door opens behind them and Coco comes bounding towards them. Kibum takes him and places him in his lap, chuckling a little when he tries to lick his and Jonghyun’s hands.
“He was whining and scratching at the door,” his grandmother tells them from where she’s standing in the doorway. “Just come in when you’re ready for dinner.”
They both thank her and the door closes once more, leaving them to their musings, now with a pleased pup spread across their thighs. Coco nuzzles Jonghyun’s hand when he tries to pet him and Kibum finds it funny - a little ironic, too - how Coco has always blindly adored the other boy, even from the very first time they met.
“Jjong?” Kibum asks, and he knows Jonghyun is listening by the way he straightens up slightly beside him. “Do you really not know why you’re here or were you just saying that because I wasn’t ready to hear it back then?”
He tilts his head to the side and observes the way Jonghyun frowns, as though troubled or in deep thought, and the way his eyes remain cast over the horizon as expected whenever Kibum questions him seriously.
“It was the truth,” Jonghyun eventually shares, granting the other a fleeting glance that becomes more than that when their eyes lock. “I have my guesses, but I figured the ‘why’ or ‘how’ are not what really matter, in the end.”
Kibum hums - that, he understands. Somehow, the feeling warms him on the inside; the feeling that, with time, Kibum would be able to understand him more and more, this stranger that keeps waiting for him. He’s curious about Jonghyun’s thoughts, his guesses, but it feels wrong to ask about them so he turns to other of his questions.
“Don’t you find it strange that you just pop up here? Has it happened to others?”
“Out of everything I’ve told you that’s what you find strange?” Jonghyun tells him with a hint of humour in his tone. There’s a slight curve to his lips and for a second Kibum can’t bring himself to believe he’s kissed them before.
Kibum rolls his eyes even though he’s smiling a little, too, and looks down to pet his dog, fingers bumping into Jonghyun’s.
“Fine,” Kibum concedes, playing along, “just a… a little strange.”
“You have a warped sense of reality, Kibum,” Jonghyun mocks him with an overly-solemn tone. The joke isn’t lost on Kibum, who chuckles and shakes his head before leaning into the other again. “But to answer your question,” Jonghyun carries on lightly yet sincerely, “no. Not that I know of.”
“What do you mean?”
“I never ‘talk’ about it,” Jonghyun explains, “or whatever you want to call that where I’m from.”
“Why?” Kibum cuts in faster than Jonghyun can continue.
“Because I’m afraid they’ll find a way to stop me from coming if I do.”
Jonghyun casually shrugs at that, all too forced, but his words have Kibum frowning.
“Shouldn’t you already know if you’d stop coming in the future?” he asks, a valid question by his reasoning.
“I…” and Jonghyun seems to struggle with what he wants to say for a moment, “I try not to think about my memories too much, because I don’t like knowing what comes next. It feels wrong.”
Silence settles over them and Kibum tenses, a feeling of dread constricting his insides as he ponders what Jonghyun means by all this.
“Does that mean you’ll stop coming at some point? Is that what you’re trying to forget?” he questions, and his heart begins racing because he’s never been more anxious to hear one of Jonghyun’s answers.
“I don’t know,” he sighs, looking incredibly weary all of a sudden. “Like I said, I try not to think about it too much. But you do have many more hairstyles to go through, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Kibum exhales as his heart slowly calms down and glances at the other, who looks rather sheepish what with the way his eyes are subtly searching for Kibum’s. He seems to ease up when he notices Kibum’s gaze on him, and there has never been a time when the latter wished he were braver than he is, brave enough to stretch forward and catch his lips for a kiss.
***
Kibum still hates most of his classes but he endures them nonetheless, motivating himself with the thought that, after this semester, he won’t have to sit through a microeconomics lecture ever again. He’s glad he has dance practice to distract him on those nights Jonghyun isn’t there with (for) him. The team meets up twice a week in the evening, and more than once Kibum has run into a young-looking boy entering the studio as they were finishing. He looks way too young to be in university, even if looks can sometimes be deceiving. They’ve never exchanged more than polite smiles and stiff half-bows, but on a night Jonghyun is nowhere to be found, he decides to change that.
“Hi,” he greets the shorter boy, albeit a bit lamely.
The other looks a bit puzzled but just as intrigued, so he eventually answers, “Hi.”
“I’ve never seen you around campus,” Kibum tells him, “do you come here?”
“No,” and the boy shakes his head, “I just train here. I’m still in high school.”
“Oh,” Kibum says simply, still quite curious but not meaning to pry, “okay. See you around, I guess.”
The boy nods heartily and bends into a bow but Kibum stops him with a hand to his shoulder.
“That’s alright,” he assures him, and something about the boy’s large, surprised eyes amuses him a bit. “See you.”
He sends him a farewell smile as he walks away and is glad to see the boy smile back.
The boy is considerably less shy the next time they meet, and Kibum lingers in the studio after his practice to talk with the younger dancer. Taemin, his name is, and he learns that he’s part of an agency that sets him up with small contracts and that he’s been in a few music videos as a backup dancer. Kibum is rather impressed, to say the least, and whenever he has time and a certain someone isn’t waiting for him outside, he sticks around and has the younger boy teach him a few moves. Taemin is surprisingly easy to get along with - he doesn’t talk much and he’s rather timid, but none of that holds him back when he dances.
There are, however, times when Kibum wishes he talked even less, especially when Jonghyun shows up mid-practice in the studio to sit by the mirror and watch the end, waiting for Kibum. The latter packs his things in a rush, eager to get home, and doesn’t notice it when Taemin quietly shuffles into the room. He takes Jonghyun’s hand out of habit and only then does he spot the younger boy in the mirror, waving at them shyly. Jonghyun waves back and an awkward silence settles between them until Kibum remembers to introduce Jonghyun and Taemin to each other.
“Is he your… well,” Taemin starts, and Kibum only looks at him, clueless, decidedly not expecting what comes next, “your boyfriend?”
Jonghyun had been holding back chuckles even before the words left the young dancer’s mouth, leaving Kibum to splutter out a mess of syllables that sound vaguely like “no” and “it’s complicated”. Taemin nods, looking a little put out by Kibum’s reaction - but what else can he say? What exactly is Jonghyun to him? Kibum is reluctant to label whatever is going on between them, because can he really call it any type of relationship if he considers himself lucky when he gets to see Jonghyun two days in a row?
He knows Jonghyun can tell he’s troubled as they walk home since he’s not even trying to hide it. Jonghyun doesn’t say anything, however; he keeps perfectly quiet as Kibum sinks into his desk chair and fetches his guitar like always. Kibum is evidently distracted and it takes him twice as long to finish anything, so by the time midnight strikes, he resigns himself to shut his textbooks and crawl into bed. It’s a battle to find sleep as he keeps tossing and turning into what he thinks must be the early morning. He feels an arm drape itself across his side after releasing an irritated sigh into his pillow. He inches closer to the warm body next to his and even though sleep still refuses to claim him, he finds it a much more enjoyable way to spend his time.
The end of his first semester in college is just as hard as he expects it to be. The dance club even cancels their practices for those three weeks and he feels bad for not having warned Taemin beforehand, but he doesn’t really have a choice. He doesn’t see Jonghyun much, maybe twice, and even though the boy is usually the best remedy to his stress, a part of him is relieved he won’t have to make the other go through watching him study for hours on end all over again.
As he hands in his last exam, Kibum is both thankful and apprehensive to say goodbye to the world of business and embark into a new program that he more or less knows near nothing about. He vows not to think about it too much in between semesters, following his grandmother’s advice to just enjoy his time off and trying to smile when she casually suggests he visit Jonghyun.
When his father is home for dinner one night, he frowns at Kibum’s choice of attire - baggy, shapeless shorts and a shirt that hangs crookedly on his shoulders - and tells him he should look for a job during his break. What Kibum doesn’t tell him is that he’s secretly afraid of becoming like him.
Still, he ends up counting pills for a few days at his mother’s hospital, and while he doesn’t despise being there, he certainly doesn’t enjoy it. He wonders how his mother can come back to this place night after night to tend to complete strangers. It’s when he sees her hunched over an elderly patient, tucking them into the white, stiff bed that he sees a whole new side of her: the caring and gentle side, the one that’s boundless in its generosity and for a moment he just stands there, observing.
His first reaction upon receiving his paycheck is surprise, because according to him it seems like there are at least a few digits missing. There is no error, however, even if it seems like his shifts were endless. The next day, he wakes up late, groggily dragging his feet to the kitchen to get something to eat and runs into his mother who is just coming home from her shift. There are loose strands of hair coming out from her bun and she looks weary, her scrubs stained in places but she smiles at him while wishing him a good day - and Kibum comes to understand the phrase “labour of love” a little more.
The new semester eventually starts and Kibum heads to his new classes with an open mind. His introductory communications and media class catches his attention and he feels more than a little relieved because it finally feels like he’s found something - maybe not what he wants to do for the rest of his life, but something worthwhile, worth going to school for. It’s a relief.
His art of performance class is more intriguing than anything, however, and Kibum quickly discovers a side of himself he’s only ever glimpsed before; the side that loves to stand on a stage, that loves to perform for an audience. When he tells Jonghyun about it, the boy merely smiles and reminds him that he’s a good dancer and Kibum smiles in turn, simply happy to have him by his side for the night.
He wants to tell Jonghyun that he matters, that he’s always mattered to him in a way but he can’t seem to put his feelings into words whenever they are face to face because as much as Kibum wants to be intimate, he is still guarded. That conversation he had with Jonghyun a while ago while sitting on his porch never really left his mind and, truly, he doesn’t know what he would do if the boy he’s come to care for were to disappear like he always does only to never come back. Would Kibum spend the rest of his life waiting? It’s an unsettling thought, and he is slowly realizing just how caring too much can hurt, too.
Instead of telling Jonghyun with words, he opts for a subtler way; he dyes his hair again. Brown, this time, with multi-coloured streaks throughout because foreboding thoughts aside, he feels liberated, like things are finally looking up.
Jonghyun seems touchier whenever he sees him these days, but that much he expected - what he hadn’t been expecting is his concerned expression whenever their gazes first lock and the way he eases into the conversation almost carefully only to become his usual self after having asked him about his day. Kibum knows it must have something to do with the future and it confuses him almost as much as it troubles him.
“You’re really scaring me,” he tells him one night, honestly. “I should never have dyed my hair again,” he adds in a mumble, more for himself.
The hand on his thigh squeezes it a bit but Kibum doesn’t look up.
“I’m sorry,” Jonghyun apologizes from where he’s resting on his shoulder. It sounds heartfelt; Kibum hates it.
“I thought things were supposed to get better.”
“They will.”
Somehow, Kibum isn’t so sure anymore.
***
Midterms soon pass and while Kibum finds them much easier to study for than last semester’s exams, reality suddenly catches up to him once more.
His grandmother falls ill, and his mother takes one look at her before deciding to take her to the hospital the next day. The diagnostic is worse than any of them would have thought, but even more devastating is the doctor’s announcement that not much can be done with such an advanced cancer. Kibum watches his grandmother wither away in a hospital bed with an eerie sense of déjà-vu - not that he knew what was coming, but everything seems to fall into place and piece itself together in the most morbid of ways. Kibum visits her as often as he can, studying by her bedside. She doesn’t talk anymore, but he’s been told she is still aware of her surroundings. Jonghyun accompanies him whenever he’s there, offering his silent support.
Two tedious months of this routine find Kibum curled up and trembling in his bed one night, wrapped in Jonghyun’s arms. He wishes they weren’t holding him so tightly because even they will leave him, in the end.
Kibum lets his once colourful streaks fade out and just when they are an off-shade of brown, his grandmother passes away. The day of the funeral, he wakes up feeling exhausted and breathes out a long sigh when Jonghyun isn’t waiting on his doorstep to hold his hand throughout. He feels lonelier than ever, and he figures it must show because even his dad hugs him and whispers to him to make his grandmother proud.
That is how he begins his second year of university: with a heavy heart but the will to set things straight. He misses her, misses the breakfasts she would cook for him and the knowing glances she would grant him whenever Jonghyun was by his side. He regrets never having thanked her properly for everything and wishes so hard that he could turn back time. He envies Jonghyun, envies how fickle time and life on Earth are to him, so much so that he even comes to despise his nature a little. Because he’s different. Because no matter how hard they both try, they will never be on the same page, will never be able to fully sympathize with each other and that no matter how silly or caring Jonghyun may be, he isn’t and will never be human. Somehow, this is all so obvious to him now.
During the first month that goes by without being greeted by Jonghyun’s gentle smile, Kibum is too distracted to really notice his absence. However by the second month, worry slowly begins to creep up inside of him and by the third, the uneasy feeling clenching in his stomach gets him thinking. Thinking about past conversations with Jonghyun about wasting time, about waiting, about hating him and about liking it better when he’s around. He knows he can’t deny that last part without lying to himself, but he would also be lying to himself if he denied wanting to get rid of the helpless frustration that comes from wishing Jonghyun were there and having nothing, absolutely nothing he can do about it. He can’t pick up the phone to hear his voice, can’t look forward to the day he’ll return because he doesn’t know when it will be - he doesn’t even know if he’ll return at all and after three months of falling asleep to the sound of silence, it seems truer than ever. The bitter realization strikes up an old pang of anger within him and it makes Kibum wonder if, sometimes, it’s best to just let go.
He hears his classmates talk about their breaks and about what kind of jobs they have, about making contacts in their field and signing contracts and he thinks it’s time for him to face reality too. It feels like his entire past was spent waiting for Jonghyun, only really living when the other was there, his presence too little and too long in between. He needs to come back down to Earth.
And, to do that, he needs closure.
He doesn’t even feel all that guilty or selfish: Jonghyun had it coming, after all.
It’s a relief to step out of class and not have to look around for someone. It’s a lot less frustrating, too, to notice nobody’s waiting for him when he isn’t expecting them to. Kibum is no stranger to grief, not anymore; he’s learned how to move on.
Still, his heart races in his chest when he spots a boy in baggy jeans and a bland t-shirt with his hands in his pockets standing by the campus’ main entrance for the first time in almost four months. His heart races but his mind is set. The boy may have been a nice fairytale to entertain during his childhood, but it’s time to grow up. Time waits for no one.
Kibum marches up to him while the other keeps smiling at him, like he always does. Kibum flicks his outgrown bangs out of his eyes to look at him properly as they come face to face and as soon as Jonghyun catches the gesture, he tenses up, smile slipping into a frown.
Upon noticing the expression, Kibum’s heartbeat seems to quieten down, if that’s possible, and all he can hear are his thoughts, loud and clear, which are telling him so this is really happening.
He doesn’t feel like opening his mouth and watching Jonghyun’s face darken even more, they both obviously know what’s up, but he still wants to explain himself out loud. He owes the boy that much.
“Jjong,” he starts breathlessly, and the way Jonghyun flinches at that simple syllable ignites a spark of irritation within him because he just looks so resigned. It hurts to realize he won’t even put up a fight, won’t even utter a single protest regardless of whether he knows it wouldn’t change anything. It isn’t human. Kibum vaguely ponders if this is why Jonghyun doesn’t like thinking about his memories too much. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of waiting around for… for-” and he sighs, shrugging, “for I don’t even know what. For something that might never happen.”
Jonghyun keeps himself carefully composed and looks down to his feet so that his long bangs fall in front of his eyes, probably for the better. Kibum stares in the distance above his shoulder.
“I need to start living in reality,” Kibum tells him. And you’re not a part of mine is the unvoiced truth.
Jonghyun doesn’t say anything - he just keeps looking down, and his lack of a reaction has Kibum feeling almost angrier, if anything. He had been naïve enough to think he was worth more to Jonghyun, and it’s precisely that thought that urges him on with what he’s doing, what he’s ending.
“Sometimes I wish you’d just left me alone.” Kibum isn’t tactful and he has never been. He never expected to fall in so deep, either, but none of that matters anymore. He needs to grow up, to start a life and if that’s something he’ll have to do alone, then so be it.
“It’s not that I can’t do this, it’s that I don’t want to keep doing this to myself.”
He pauses long enough for Jonghyun to look up, locking eyes with him when he does and ends with: “Goodbye.”
He turns to leave, and Jonghyun doesn’t chase after him as he walks away.
That night, Kibum stares at himself in the bathroom mirror for a good minute before plugging in his electric razor. He tilts his head to the side and shaves off a section of his brown hair. When he’s done, he stares at himself some more, at his asymmetrical, unbalanced haircut and then at the loose strands littering the bathroom floor and he thinks it’s fitting, how a part of him is missing both inside and out. He goes on to bleach the freshly cut stubble, a stark contrast to what it used to be.
→ Part V
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A/N: Key's hair in this part: RDD red from before, RDD Christmas hair, Jojo streaks, fading Jojo, Brown Jojo, Lucifer (source: as tagged, cr: weareshining or forevershiningshinee as linked).
And to-whomever-it-may-concern, please don't use my hair chronology post while thinking I won't notice. I spent days on that shit. Not cool.
Anywho, thank you for reading and, again, if you have questions I'll gladly answer them (unless doing so would give out spoilers)! Thank you ♥