ugh im so terrible at this
i hate life so much right now...i feel so just worthless when it comes to things that actually matter...i dunno...i cant concentrate on my hw...i know im fucking myself over but i just cant do it...i just stare at the screen...i dont wanna do it...i have to but i dont...n i have absolutely no clean underwear bc i havnt done my laundry in like a month...i was looking through pictures today on my dads comp of me and my fam when i was younger...it makes me wanna cry so bad...there was a time...a time when we actually were a family...and i just cant remember it...my cold ways of ignoring my family and walking out and running away and just throwing my hands in the air and saying fuck it bc its too late have made it all i remember...and the good times just dont exist...my memory just deleted them all...i just look at myself and i see failure stamped all over my forehead...i left LR wit 4 months left...FOUR MONTHS...i mean i have less stress everyday now...but the days right before my work is due i feel terrible...not to mention stupid and lazy and fat...ugh...i just do everything possible to avoid doing wat i know i need to do...i mean ugh...and i miss my mom so much it just makes me ache...i can forget about it if i need to but for the most part i dont...im such a mamas girl and shes not here...wat the hell does a mamas girl do without mama...i mean ugh...i came across a pic of me and adds and boo...from a cpl years ago...i almost puked on myself...theres another person i lost...someone i loved...someone i still love...she is always gonna be my addie...i made it through close to half of my life by clinging onto her every step of the way...and i miss her...but she wanted me to be something im not...im not dedicated to work the way she is...my heart leads me not my head...it sux but at least im tru to my heart...or at least i am at the time...it hurts so much thinking that a fucking guy came between us...jon...she hated him...still does probably...but i love him...i wasnt gonna leave either of them...so she left me...and it kills....it kills so bad...so many memories and pictures and things that we did together....fuck i cant even listen to madonna anymore...i hate it...but i dont want friends like that...friends that try to control me that way...thats not the kind of tough love i respond to...uve gotta stick by me and tell me the truth same as i do...thats wat i do...i tell u the hard facts...but i dont leave u...I DONT LEAVE!!! i dont just fucking say ive done all i can and walk the fuck away...i dont do it...i fight for it till they stop fighting for it...bc once they stop fighting it just isnt worth it...u cant force someone to want wat they dont...n u cant stop someone from wanting wat they do...u just have to be patient...u have to be there for them...i cant stand losing people...cant stand it...i hate it when ppl just disappear from your life...when all of a sudden they go away...how many ppl have i lost this year? adds, shay, mum, morg, basically all LR cept michelle n kates n neens...3 ppl out of 600...thats great...ive kinda lost jon...not really but kinda...same wit dad n boo i feel like they rnt part of my life at all nemore...n i mean at all...i mean kailey doesnt really talk to me nemore...she just looks at me like she is so disappointed in me...same with dad...and quite frankly i dont need it...im generally disappointed in myself neways...o n i lost kelcy n ryan n gina n ciara....so many ppl...i just omg....i hate myself so much most of the time...i feel good when im with ppl...but as soon as im alone i wanna die...i wont...im too chicken shit but ugh if only i cld...itd b so easy...just to stop feeling like this all the time...like im not enough...like im nvr enough...i can nvr live up to anyones expectations of me...let alone my own...jon needs to hurry up n get here i need a hug