The future of beauty magazine articles, by Mary C....
So, I was shopping the other day and I read the cover of a beauty magazine and it said, "Celebrities, How to Get Their Look." And I start laughing to myself because people actually buy this shit and feed into it, because they actually believe that if they die their hair black and buy body shimmer they will look like Luci motherfucking Lu. Well kids, it was a decent effort, but there's just one problem: she's oriental and weighs 90 pounds! So chances are, you got screwed. It's okay though, here is a much better list of celebrities and how to look like them. It's more accurate!
Jennifer Lopez: Buy a chia pet kit. Sprinkle the dust on your butt, water your ass, and watch it grow. (chia pet: $6)
Britney Spears: Get plastic surgery on your entire face and body. It may take a course of ten years, but you might eventually look like her one day maybe. (Plastic Surgeon Dr. Weisenbleisoseizenburgersteinmanburgstein, 10 kazillion dollars)
Amy Lee: Don't brush your hair for four weeks (free). Pierce your eyebrow with a safety pin (10 cents). Don't forget the fishnets ($5 hot topic)
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen: don't eat for 6 weeks. Occassionally do coke (any coke heads in the house? i need prices here people! prices!!?!)
Pamela Anderson: This one is probably the most obvious. Buy two balloons and a bottle of perixode. ($50 cents for the balloons and $10 for the bleach.)
Rosie O'Donnell: Eat 6 boxes of donuts a day (dunkin donuts value $30). Hold hands with girls in public (priceless).
Avril Lavigne: Get a brain surgeon to remove half of your brain, preferably the part that makes facial expressions and gives you any ability to reason and put logical sentences together. Then have a dentist get your cuspids filed into fangs. Then move to Canada and stay there for all our sakes. (this costs more than you have).
Be cool. Stay in school. And don't forget to be yourself!
Jennifer Lopez: Buy a chia pet kit. Sprinkle the dust on your butt, water your ass, and watch it grow. (chia pet: $6)
Britney Spears: Get plastic surgery on your entire face and body. It may take a course of ten years, but you might eventually look like her one day maybe. (Plastic Surgeon Dr. Weisenbleisoseizenburgersteinmanburgstein, 10 kazillion dollars)
Amy Lee: Don't brush your hair for four weeks (free). Pierce your eyebrow with a safety pin (10 cents). Don't forget the fishnets ($5 hot topic)
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen: don't eat for 6 weeks. Occassionally do coke (any coke heads in the house? i need prices here people! prices!!?!)
Pamela Anderson: This one is probably the most obvious. Buy two balloons and a bottle of perixode. ($50 cents for the balloons and $10 for the bleach.)
Rosie O'Donnell: Eat 6 boxes of donuts a day (dunkin donuts value $30). Hold hands with girls in public (priceless).
Avril Lavigne: Get a brain surgeon to remove half of your brain, preferably the part that makes facial expressions and gives you any ability to reason and put logical sentences together. Then have a dentist get your cuspids filed into fangs. Then move to Canada and stay there for all our sakes. (this costs more than you have).
Be cool. Stay in school. And don't forget to be yourself!