Mary's Guide To Life~Volume I
So, we have all been there- a time of your life where you couldn't say what you were actually thinking at that very moment because it was "pubically" innapropriate. Well not anymore! Ladies and gentlemen today we are going to DO IT. We are going to GO THERE. Today I am going to help you all out. I am going to give you Mary C's handbook to life. FUCKING A! Let's begin.
Scenario 1: Your date has a booger in their nose.
It seems that no matter how amazing looking someone is, a booger can make you want to fucking die. A booger can turn a Bradd Pitt into a Quasey Moto in 2 seconds. And ever notice how even though it is their booger, you are the one that somehow feels embarrassed? Why the fuck is that?! When a booger does arise, don't panic. You have options:
A) Pretend your nose itches and keep rubbing it and hope they get the hint.
B) Make them drink 5000 waters so they'll be forced to have to use the facilities and will hopefully catch a glimpse of themselves.
C) Take a blunt approach and tell them, "you have shit in your nose"
D) Hand them a tissue... Nothing like being rude and obnoxious these days! Can you imagine? "What's this tissue for?" "To clean your nose schmuck"
Scenario 2: You are the date with the booger in your nose.
This one is bad, but shit happens (in this case, boogers). Chances are no one is going to tell you about the booger in fear of offending you, hence scenario one. So, when you do notice that "feeling" up in the good old nostrils, you must do "the check" to see if the booger is visible to others or if it is just :your own personal booger hell, and only you know it is there. There are few things you can do to handle the situation.
A) The obvious- Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. If you already used the "bathroom time out card" on the date, then fib and say something is in your eye or make something up like "I have to call my great grandfather to make sure he took his pill."
B) Attempt to drown yourself in your soup and pretend to die.
C) Be completely ballsy and ask if there is something in your nose. (I'd personally would rather opt for choice b.
If Option A is chosen: Upon inspection of yourself, a few things might occur from then on. If the booger is small, thin, and barely visible, then you are not in bad shape. Just set your ass straight and go on with your date. If the booger is not exposed at all, YOU ARE THE FUCKING CHAMP AND I CONGRATULATE YOU!
Now here comes the worst case scenario: the booger is big gross, and highly visible. It looks like another country; you could name it "Boogaq". You get the point. What do you fucking do? You either let your ego fly out the door, fix your face, and go back and turn the blame on the other person by saying, "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING BY NOT TELLING ME THERE WAS A BOOGER IN MY NOSE. I CAN'T DATE SOMEONE LIKE YOU THAT HAS NO CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER PPL. AND DON'T SAY YOU DIDN'T SEE IT, CAUSE THEN YOU'RE A LIAR! I COULD HAVE CLAIMED IT AS A PET AND NAMED IT SPOC!" Your other options are to pretend it never happened or never go back, and if they ever happen to call you, say you fell in the toilet.
And speaking of toilets... ::drumroll please::... that bring us to
Scenario 3: Bathroom fun for everyone
Taking a shit in public is one of the worst things to do ever ever ever. But if you live at a college or when it's an emergency, it's inevitable. Some places to steer clear from if you are scared of this situation are: Mexican restaurants, fast food places, and THE ROWAN CAFETERIA. Taking a shit in public can be both embarrassing and liberating at the same time. It is important to remember that everyone's shit stinks, and yes YOURS DOES TOO. Perfume sprays and air deoderizing masks are good tools to have so you can have the air smelling like "floral fields or feces" or "strawberries and shit swirl", but just keep in mind, because you gave it a few sprays, you aren't fooling anyone. In fact, you are just making it more eveident that you know that you did a bad thing.
And I'm not sure why the "taking a dump" sound is so funny, but by damn it is! When I hear people fart in a public restroom I nearly piss myself laughing before I can make it to the toilet. I don't know why, it's just hilarious and hysterical. So you can imagine how funny, yet gross taking a dump is! You can alwasy try:
A) Running water
B) Flushing the toilet before each drop of the torpedo
C) Or make a really loud coughing noise
D) Singing might make you sound like a psycho nut- not only are you shitting in public, you are singing while doing the dirty deed! That's cause for an arrest of some sort. I can see it all now: "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY ::Plop Plop:: I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKY ::a train of farts::" (notice how I made a reference to an old R. Kelly song for that one ha.)
Upon exiting the stall, wash your hands or you will/should be shot =) Also, you can always play off that it wasn't you battling the toilet. You can look at the other people washing their hands and point to the stall next to the one you exitting and say, "Can you believe that shit?!" Haha... literally =D
Scenario 1: Your date has a booger in their nose.
It seems that no matter how amazing looking someone is, a booger can make you want to fucking die. A booger can turn a Bradd Pitt into a Quasey Moto in 2 seconds. And ever notice how even though it is their booger, you are the one that somehow feels embarrassed? Why the fuck is that?! When a booger does arise, don't panic. You have options:
A) Pretend your nose itches and keep rubbing it and hope they get the hint.
B) Make them drink 5000 waters so they'll be forced to have to use the facilities and will hopefully catch a glimpse of themselves.
C) Take a blunt approach and tell them, "you have shit in your nose"
D) Hand them a tissue... Nothing like being rude and obnoxious these days! Can you imagine? "What's this tissue for?" "To clean your nose schmuck"
Scenario 2: You are the date with the booger in your nose.
This one is bad, but shit happens (in this case, boogers). Chances are no one is going to tell you about the booger in fear of offending you, hence scenario one. So, when you do notice that "feeling" up in the good old nostrils, you must do "the check" to see if the booger is visible to others or if it is just :your own personal booger hell, and only you know it is there. There are few things you can do to handle the situation.
A) The obvious- Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom. If you already used the "bathroom time out card" on the date, then fib and say something is in your eye or make something up like "I have to call my great grandfather to make sure he took his pill."
B) Attempt to drown yourself in your soup and pretend to die.
C) Be completely ballsy and ask if there is something in your nose. (I'd personally would rather opt for choice b.
If Option A is chosen: Upon inspection of yourself, a few things might occur from then on. If the booger is small, thin, and barely visible, then you are not in bad shape. Just set your ass straight and go on with your date. If the booger is not exposed at all, YOU ARE THE FUCKING CHAMP AND I CONGRATULATE YOU!
Now here comes the worst case scenario: the booger is big gross, and highly visible. It looks like another country; you could name it "Boogaq". You get the point. What do you fucking do? You either let your ego fly out the door, fix your face, and go back and turn the blame on the other person by saying, "WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING BY NOT TELLING ME THERE WAS A BOOGER IN MY NOSE. I CAN'T DATE SOMEONE LIKE YOU THAT HAS NO CONSIDERATION FOR OTHER PPL. AND DON'T SAY YOU DIDN'T SEE IT, CAUSE THEN YOU'RE A LIAR! I COULD HAVE CLAIMED IT AS A PET AND NAMED IT SPOC!" Your other options are to pretend it never happened or never go back, and if they ever happen to call you, say you fell in the toilet.
And speaking of toilets... ::drumroll please::... that bring us to
Scenario 3: Bathroom fun for everyone
Taking a shit in public is one of the worst things to do ever ever ever. But if you live at a college or when it's an emergency, it's inevitable. Some places to steer clear from if you are scared of this situation are: Mexican restaurants, fast food places, and THE ROWAN CAFETERIA. Taking a shit in public can be both embarrassing and liberating at the same time. It is important to remember that everyone's shit stinks, and yes YOURS DOES TOO. Perfume sprays and air deoderizing masks are good tools to have so you can have the air smelling like "floral fields or feces" or "strawberries and shit swirl", but just keep in mind, because you gave it a few sprays, you aren't fooling anyone. In fact, you are just making it more eveident that you know that you did a bad thing.
And I'm not sure why the "taking a dump" sound is so funny, but by damn it is! When I hear people fart in a public restroom I nearly piss myself laughing before I can make it to the toilet. I don't know why, it's just hilarious and hysterical. So you can imagine how funny, yet gross taking a dump is! You can alwasy try:
A) Running water
B) Flushing the toilet before each drop of the torpedo
C) Or make a really loud coughing noise
D) Singing might make you sound like a psycho nut- not only are you shitting in public, you are singing while doing the dirty deed! That's cause for an arrest of some sort. I can see it all now: "I BELIEVE I CAN FLY ::Plop Plop:: I BELIEVE I CAN TOUCH THE SKY ::a train of farts::" (notice how I made a reference to an old R. Kelly song for that one ha.)
Upon exiting the stall, wash your hands or you will/should be shot =) Also, you can always play off that it wasn't you battling the toilet. You can look at the other people washing their hands and point to the stall next to the one you exitting and say, "Can you believe that shit?!" Haha... literally =D