continue?
I kind of wish there was a 'Reset' button for life. I really do. Its the same song and dance, and this post is going to be full of sentences that begin with the letter 'I', so there's your warning.
This is all coming from the fact that I had a blast on Tuesday. Yes, I had a fun and laughed and enjoyed myself, but it only amplified more of the shit I've been feeling. Friend!Bobby and I went to Universal and I finally got to go to the Harry Potter area. It was FUCKING AMAZING! And when I say amazing, I'm saying that I couldn't stop smiling the entire time! Well, that's not true, but still!
We ate at the Three Broomsticks! I had pumpkin juice and butterbeer! I bought a wand {Hermione's}. I bought a chocolate frog from Honeydukes Sweetshop! We spent HOURS just hanging out in that tiny little area! We even got to ride Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey three times!
But that is where my horrible mood comes from.
Every single time we went through the line to go on it, we got stopped {sometimes twice} to sit in the blasted seats before we got to the ride to make sure we could fit in them. I was very close to not being able to. I've NEVER had that problem at all. I had to send Bobby ahead of me because I was getting really upset about the whole thing so he could tell them 'yes, we already did that' and 'yes, we know we need modified seats'. They'd fake a smile and say 'great', then drop it and instruct us to the 'middle lane'. On the other hand, we got to bypass a little bit of a line, so I guess being fat has its advantages.
And when I'm supposed to be enjoying the ride, I would occasionally look over to see more of the stuff around us and my eyes would catch on the person next to me's harness. Their's isn't sticking out at all and mine is far out there. I felt like such a fucking heifer and for those brief moments, I wanted the ride to chuck me out and kill me.
The worst part of all of it? I don't even have the strength to give a shit anymore. Because the guilt is building up inside of me to the point I feel like drowning in it. The guilt? Because I know this is all my fucking fault.
I feel like shit because I can't do anything right. I'm honestly not really trying to look for a job, because the only job I'm even qualified for is admin assistant and I don't want to be a fucking secretary all my life. I can't look for other jobs because I'm not good at ANYTHING. I don't have a skill that I can fall back on. I'm good at wallowing in my own guilt and getting so fat that I'm completely repulsive. I have absolutely no will power, I'm lazy, and such a waste of air. I fucking HATE IT.
I regret my college education, I regret being lazy, I regret everything except my husband. I'm consumed by this and I can't seem to break out of it. I don't have any friends besides Bobby and my husband. I push everyone away and I'm not sure why. I have a near panic attack at the thought of talking to people now, convinced they're just going to think I'm this dumb fuck who shouldn't even be breathing the same air.
I just don't care anymore, and I really wish I did.
This is all coming from the fact that I had a blast on Tuesday. Yes, I had a fun and laughed and enjoyed myself, but it only amplified more of the shit I've been feeling. Friend!Bobby and I went to Universal and I finally got to go to the Harry Potter area. It was FUCKING AMAZING! And when I say amazing, I'm saying that I couldn't stop smiling the entire time! Well, that's not true, but still!
We ate at the Three Broomsticks! I had pumpkin juice and butterbeer! I bought a wand {Hermione's}. I bought a chocolate frog from Honeydukes Sweetshop! We spent HOURS just hanging out in that tiny little area! We even got to ride Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey three times!
But that is where my horrible mood comes from.
Every single time we went through the line to go on it, we got stopped {sometimes twice} to sit in the blasted seats before we got to the ride to make sure we could fit in them. I was very close to not being able to. I've NEVER had that problem at all. I had to send Bobby ahead of me because I was getting really upset about the whole thing so he could tell them 'yes, we already did that' and 'yes, we know we need modified seats'. They'd fake a smile and say 'great', then drop it and instruct us to the 'middle lane'. On the other hand, we got to bypass a little bit of a line, so I guess being fat has its advantages.
And when I'm supposed to be enjoying the ride, I would occasionally look over to see more of the stuff around us and my eyes would catch on the person next to me's harness. Their's isn't sticking out at all and mine is far out there. I felt like such a fucking heifer and for those brief moments, I wanted the ride to chuck me out and kill me.
The worst part of all of it? I don't even have the strength to give a shit anymore. Because the guilt is building up inside of me to the point I feel like drowning in it. The guilt? Because I know this is all my fucking fault.
I feel like shit because I can't do anything right. I'm honestly not really trying to look for a job, because the only job I'm even qualified for is admin assistant and I don't want to be a fucking secretary all my life. I can't look for other jobs because I'm not good at ANYTHING. I don't have a skill that I can fall back on. I'm good at wallowing in my own guilt and getting so fat that I'm completely repulsive. I have absolutely no will power, I'm lazy, and such a waste of air. I fucking HATE IT.
I regret my college education, I regret being lazy, I regret everything except my husband. I'm consumed by this and I can't seem to break out of it. I don't have any friends besides Bobby and my husband. I push everyone away and I'm not sure why. I have a near panic attack at the thought of talking to people now, convinced they're just going to think I'm this dumb fuck who shouldn't even be breathing the same air.
I just don't care anymore, and I really wish I did.