Sleep Dep...
...finding myself in the sky...
you know my new year's resolution was to get atleast 7 hours a night of sleep..that foreign word that floats around..yep...THAT was shot to hell in less than a week..when i pulled 3 all nighters in one week because of applications. damn colleges and scholarships with theor 1st ,15th and 30/31st of the month deadlines. i live my life just working to pass those deadline successfully. next deadline? This friday..i'm such a idiot...seriously. a big fluffy idiot who is a perpetual slacker and all around lazy-bum.Gah..not to mention "wishy-washy" to borrow form the great "peanuts" man.I can't make a desicion..which college to go to..what my life will be like after this summer..you know i just don't feel ready to decide the next 20 years of my life right now..for goodness sake..i'm not even a adult yet. I've only got 3.5 more months of dependancy..and all of a sudden , i'm supposed to poof into a independant,self dependant, college bound, career minded successful person?? i don't think so. i like my room, and i like the "safe" feeling i get when i come home to see my family and the familiarity of being able to go to my own private room and just chill,read a book, do homework(Yeah right)...take a shower..or take a nap. i guess you just never appreciate how nice and good it feels to be taken care of..by parents..whoever...untiil you realize just how limited the expieriance is. it's been almost 18 years of being cared for...but i still don't want to leave. i don't want to be alone..i'm scared i'm making mistakes and there will be noone there to steer me in the right direction, or give me timely advice..just me. it's scary. i don't know how to dewal with the world yet..i'm still a 5 year old who likes to read books and eat bananas..and watch sesame street on the tv...not a almost adult about to graduate and choose how my life is going to be..will i ever be ready? I'm still so naive in so many things, and in 6 months i won't have anything to support me..just myself.i dont' know if i am strong enough yet to have that kind of belief in myself and the strangth that i may and most likely don not posess..if my life only consisted of going to college, living in a dorm, and sleeping i would be okay..but i have to realize that going to college ids just a step toward what i will end up doing. the rub is that i am not financially able to buffer or cushion my self should i make a mistake..such as switch from a communications major to a biochemical major my junior year..that's not a move that i can make. i have to figure out what i want to do, and set myself up to do it..not room for messing up...and that's what scares me.to the very bone,.i can feel it..every time i see another scholarship deadline that i've missed, or some friend gets a scholarship that i didn't even know existed.i want to be a 5 year old, and snuggle with my blankie and teddy bear..and worry about nothing but my favorite tv show and my favorite flavor of juice box..
later-
Shiao Bai Loong
2.27.2002
P.S. Go Check out RPG WORLD by Ian.a very cute and funny comic.
...reaching for what is out of my sight...
you know my new year's resolution was to get atleast 7 hours a night of sleep..that foreign word that floats around..yep...THAT was shot to hell in less than a week..when i pulled 3 all nighters in one week because of applications. damn colleges and scholarships with theor 1st ,15th and 30/31st of the month deadlines. i live my life just working to pass those deadline successfully. next deadline? This friday..i'm such a idiot...seriously. a big fluffy idiot who is a perpetual slacker and all around lazy-bum.Gah..not to mention "wishy-washy" to borrow form the great "peanuts" man.I can't make a desicion..which college to go to..what my life will be like after this summer..you know i just don't feel ready to decide the next 20 years of my life right now..for goodness sake..i'm not even a adult yet. I've only got 3.5 more months of dependancy..and all of a sudden , i'm supposed to poof into a independant,self dependant, college bound, career minded successful person?? i don't think so. i like my room, and i like the "safe" feeling i get when i come home to see my family and the familiarity of being able to go to my own private room and just chill,read a book, do homework(Yeah right)...take a shower..or take a nap. i guess you just never appreciate how nice and good it feels to be taken care of..by parents..whoever...untiil you realize just how limited the expieriance is. it's been almost 18 years of being cared for...but i still don't want to leave. i don't want to be alone..i'm scared i'm making mistakes and there will be noone there to steer me in the right direction, or give me timely advice..just me. it's scary. i don't know how to dewal with the world yet..i'm still a 5 year old who likes to read books and eat bananas..and watch sesame street on the tv...not a almost adult about to graduate and choose how my life is going to be..will i ever be ready? I'm still so naive in so many things, and in 6 months i won't have anything to support me..just myself.i dont' know if i am strong enough yet to have that kind of belief in myself and the strangth that i may and most likely don not posess..if my life only consisted of going to college, living in a dorm, and sleeping i would be okay..but i have to realize that going to college ids just a step toward what i will end up doing. the rub is that i am not financially able to buffer or cushion my self should i make a mistake..such as switch from a communications major to a biochemical major my junior year..that's not a move that i can make. i have to figure out what i want to do, and set myself up to do it..not room for messing up...and that's what scares me.to the very bone,.i can feel it..every time i see another scholarship deadline that i've missed, or some friend gets a scholarship that i didn't even know existed.i want to be a 5 year old, and snuggle with my blankie and teddy bear..and worry about nothing but my favorite tv show and my favorite flavor of juice box..
later-
Shiao Bai Loong
2.27.2002
P.S. Go Check out RPG WORLD by Ian.a very cute and funny comic.
...reaching for what is out of my sight...