An attempt to better myself makes me more upset
My life is one giant pattern that is recycled. First i was horribly evil, then i was a drug addict, and now, "I look better than ever, i look happy." But the question i fall asleep to at night is, have i just gone so insane that i am happy or have i mastered my technique of blocking out the world and all emotions and people have no idea that while i sit there laughing i am really hanging on by one thread. What i just said made me think... i am always laughing. Honestly i would have never thought that i would be having this battle... a battle with pop up ads and a battle with drugs. I dont even think about how bad its getting untill im sober.. but i fix the doubts. I am so frustrated i cant even search for the words to explain myself. I am so desperatly fucking myself over and i know in a week the pain is only going to grow stronger. I am going to set myself up to be let down, again. And i just wish i knew what i wanted for once and could have it.