(no subject)
i've reached a state of self-induced loneliness. all i see when i look at people is a missed opportunity to be closer with them. you can't just cram tons of memories and joy into a few weeks, but rather than face the fact that i'm not as close with a lot of these people as i'd like to be, i just don't see them at all.
the thing is, in reality, i'm really not close with that many people. i have mary, and really that's about it. dane is off on another one of his obsessive friend crusades, this time with guy and chase. he spends every waking moment with them. i guess i'm glad he has male friends, but as usual, the rest of his friends are paying the price. he's totally blown off kathy, which shouldn't bother me, but of course it does.
shiranne and eric are different, they're like the older siblings that i don't see that often. they're always happy for me when good stuff happens, and comfort me when i'm feeling bad, but the age difference does kind of make a difference, and we don't really process information the same way. with dane (and ellie, when we were close), there was always this feeling of "i'm understood." i have that with mary now, but i don't see her too often.. i'm with francis a lot, she's with alex a lot, and at least until francis leaves, mary+naomi time has been slipping through the cracks.
maybe this whole loneliness thing is just a function of growing up and developing individuality. when you share so much of yourself with another person and become dependant on them, you lose sight of who you are a little bit... at least in my experience. i feel really restless, like i really want to be around people, but i don't care enough to go to the effort of making plans with them and meeting up and having to find some sort of activity to do. i genuinely enjoy just sitting and talking, i hate having to find an excuse to meet up.
last night was weird. francis and i drove up to skyline (my idea) and it didn't have the magic that it used to. he was tired and i was tired and we didn't really talk, we were just kind of cranky. he was racing the next day and needed to go to bed early. we got back to his house and he decided he wanted to watch crap late-night television, so i sat there, doing nothing. i think he felt bad because when he walked me to my car, he said he'd call me the next day and that he didn't want me to feel neglected, but i did. i don't want to be smothering- he needs to see his friends and pack and do whatever, but at the same time, we have two days left together... and that's it. and then we're over. i wish he acted like he cared more.
naomi
the thing is, in reality, i'm really not close with that many people. i have mary, and really that's about it. dane is off on another one of his obsessive friend crusades, this time with guy and chase. he spends every waking moment with them. i guess i'm glad he has male friends, but as usual, the rest of his friends are paying the price. he's totally blown off kathy, which shouldn't bother me, but of course it does.
shiranne and eric are different, they're like the older siblings that i don't see that often. they're always happy for me when good stuff happens, and comfort me when i'm feeling bad, but the age difference does kind of make a difference, and we don't really process information the same way. with dane (and ellie, when we were close), there was always this feeling of "i'm understood." i have that with mary now, but i don't see her too often.. i'm with francis a lot, she's with alex a lot, and at least until francis leaves, mary+naomi time has been slipping through the cracks.
maybe this whole loneliness thing is just a function of growing up and developing individuality. when you share so much of yourself with another person and become dependant on them, you lose sight of who you are a little bit... at least in my experience. i feel really restless, like i really want to be around people, but i don't care enough to go to the effort of making plans with them and meeting up and having to find some sort of activity to do. i genuinely enjoy just sitting and talking, i hate having to find an excuse to meet up.
last night was weird. francis and i drove up to skyline (my idea) and it didn't have the magic that it used to. he was tired and i was tired and we didn't really talk, we were just kind of cranky. he was racing the next day and needed to go to bed early. we got back to his house and he decided he wanted to watch crap late-night television, so i sat there, doing nothing. i think he felt bad because when he walked me to my car, he said he'd call me the next day and that he didn't want me to feel neglected, but i did. i don't want to be smothering- he needs to see his friends and pack and do whatever, but at the same time, we have two days left together... and that's it. and then we're over. i wish he acted like he cared more.
naomi