one year later
I haven't posted in over a year. I'm not against LiveJouranal and I don't think I'm too mature to be posting my thoughts; I think keeping a journal is a healthy thing. I just haven't felt the need to share things with people as this past year has been a very private year for me; a year of reflecting, dreaming, thinking "what if", "when" or "maybe I should've done things differently." This past year and a half I think I've grown so much, even if it's not noticeable to anyone. I'm still the same goofy, awkward, opinionated Greg, but I have felt a tremendous shift in life. I don't know if it's a good thing. I almost feel less confident than I did when I was 22. When I moved to New York City I thought I was going to be David Bowie in 2 years. It's been 3 years and the best gig I have is basically being "the other guy in Wham!" to a raunchy, Mother Earth-inspired drag queen. I do try to do things on my own: I've had solo shows with very good response, and honestly (not to sound like a douche) some important people know who I am and want me to succeed. I know there is a reason I'm here and I need to keep working at it.
But I'm still wondering..."what if?". Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why do I stay at a dead end job? Why do I feel like moving to Manhattan from Williamsburg gives me some sort of entitlement? I love the greenness here for God's sake, it's a nice break from Union Sq and the like.
And sadly, at this point in my life, when I should be moved on and completely okay with myself, I still find myself occasionally (maybe too occasionally) thinking about that one awful thing I did almost 2 years ago now. Why did I do that? Was it really the right thing? That was by far the hardest moment of my life and I absolutely hated every moment of it. I so badly wanted to make it okay, to make it into some ridiculous Paul Rudd or Jennifer Aniston movie where I come to your door dripping wet from the rain, or I catch you before you get on the train. And most importantly I do know what pain I caused and I hate myself for that. I hate that so much more than the actual event itself. I cried so much over that, and I feel like crying now. I don't think you read livejournal anymore so it's okay for me to post this. I really thought it was the best thing considering directions and the paths we were on, but when I look back at us, I remember feeling really happy. So happy and content. And I haven't felt that in a long time. Maybe it's just the Nyquil talking, or the stress seeping out of my body over trying to find a new apartment. Or maybe it's because I accidentally clicked the livejournal link instead of facebook, looked at the upcoming birthdays message and thought it would be a good idea to read past entires. Stupid, stupid mistake. Or, maybe there's a tragic event and all I can really do to help is send a stupid text message. Regardless, it was probably the worst day of my life, and I just had to type an entry about it. It's stupid I know. Maybe a bit over the top. But needed on this shitty day of days.
I'm not a dweller. I know it sounds like I am but I'm really not. It's okay to think about the past, just as long as you're willing to move on to the future.
In other news:
1. I yet again have a sinus infection. My bitchfaced E.N.T. doctor doesnt think it's a sinus infection and won't give me antibiotics so I'm sitting here downing day and nyquils and sudafed. I know once my throat culture results are back I'll prove the victor.
2. I have jury duty this week. And I was one of the (un)lucky motherfuckers who got picked to serve. Wee! At least I don't have to go to work though.
3. I was planning on moving to Manhattan, but for what I can afford, I couldn't find a decent place. I think Janelle and I are going to get this nice apartment in Williamsburg (if it's not already taken). It has a gym and a dishwasher!!!
4. There are a lot of upcoming Enid Ellen and hopefully Greg Potter solo shows. I have a feeling that something will happen in the year 2010. Something big. Something where I can quit my job and maybe one day buy a loft in the Meat Packing district and play a grand piano in my underwear.
5. And what's #5? I have no idea. But hopefully I will soon. I feel another shift in my life coming, and I think it's going to be a good one. :)
But I'm still wondering..."what if?". Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why do I stay at a dead end job? Why do I feel like moving to Manhattan from Williamsburg gives me some sort of entitlement? I love the greenness here for God's sake, it's a nice break from Union Sq and the like.
And sadly, at this point in my life, when I should be moved on and completely okay with myself, I still find myself occasionally (maybe too occasionally) thinking about that one awful thing I did almost 2 years ago now. Why did I do that? Was it really the right thing? That was by far the hardest moment of my life and I absolutely hated every moment of it. I so badly wanted to make it okay, to make it into some ridiculous Paul Rudd or Jennifer Aniston movie where I come to your door dripping wet from the rain, or I catch you before you get on the train. And most importantly I do know what pain I caused and I hate myself for that. I hate that so much more than the actual event itself. I cried so much over that, and I feel like crying now. I don't think you read livejournal anymore so it's okay for me to post this. I really thought it was the best thing considering directions and the paths we were on, but when I look back at us, I remember feeling really happy. So happy and content. And I haven't felt that in a long time. Maybe it's just the Nyquil talking, or the stress seeping out of my body over trying to find a new apartment. Or maybe it's because I accidentally clicked the livejournal link instead of facebook, looked at the upcoming birthdays message and thought it would be a good idea to read past entires. Stupid, stupid mistake. Or, maybe there's a tragic event and all I can really do to help is send a stupid text message. Regardless, it was probably the worst day of my life, and I just had to type an entry about it. It's stupid I know. Maybe a bit over the top. But needed on this shitty day of days.
I'm not a dweller. I know it sounds like I am but I'm really not. It's okay to think about the past, just as long as you're willing to move on to the future.
In other news:
1. I yet again have a sinus infection. My bitchfaced E.N.T. doctor doesnt think it's a sinus infection and won't give me antibiotics so I'm sitting here downing day and nyquils and sudafed. I know once my throat culture results are back I'll prove the victor.
2. I have jury duty this week. And I was one of the (un)lucky motherfuckers who got picked to serve. Wee! At least I don't have to go to work though.
3. I was planning on moving to Manhattan, but for what I can afford, I couldn't find a decent place. I think Janelle and I are going to get this nice apartment in Williamsburg (if it's not already taken). It has a gym and a dishwasher!!!
4. There are a lot of upcoming Enid Ellen and hopefully Greg Potter solo shows. I have a feeling that something will happen in the year 2010. Something big. Something where I can quit my job and maybe one day buy a loft in the Meat Packing district and play a grand piano in my underwear.
5. And what's #5? I have no idea. But hopefully I will soon. I feel another shift in my life coming, and I think it's going to be a good one. :)