The haunted misery
I don't believe in the immortality of misery in life, I'm never one to give in to the pain, but when it befell once again, I seriously need to question my sanity.
Ridiculous, I thought they would leave me alone. How foolish I was. It has been almost a year and here I am, haunted by the unseen, again.
I suppose it was totally my fault, I've screwed up my life too much that now it's completely crashed and I don't know how to fix it anymore. I let them see through my broken masks, into my fear. My pain I've been hiding so well.
Even my faith in God...
I used to have so much more faith in Him than I do now. It's screwed up, I know, but it's uncalled for. Ever since my grandfather died over a year ago, I lost a part of my faith that even until now I'm not sure if I could ever find again. I'm really sorry, Father, I've been trying so hard, too hard that I'm totally drained now.
When I finally collapse, face flat on the cold, hard ground, will you be there to lift me up?
Like now?
Because I'm falling so hard right now...
I don't fear them as I did the first time, but they seriously took a lot from me. They took away my confidence, my fragile energy, my inspiration, my faith...my will to live.
Over 5 days I couldn't drag myself out of bed without collapsing or losing balance. Over 5 days I couldn't have a single sleep without having those horrible nightmares.
It's terrible, you might say 'they're just dreams - unreal and unharmful', but no, you're not me, you're not suffering from endless nightmares filled with blood and tears and death of your loved ones. You don't know anything about my deepest fear...
I'm afraid of losing, way too much it hurts. I love my family, my parents, my cousins too much to be able to let them out of my sight. I just can't stand losing any of them again...
They are my weaknesses. They took advantage of those and crushed my heart.
So I fall. Into the darkness of myself.
What is love? Why does it make us humans so miserable? Why can't I understand what I need to understand? What am I going to do with these feelings?
I have never truly loved anyone but my family. They like to say I'm cold-hearted, and I let them. But it isn't my fault that I seek for true comprehension. Call me arrogant, but do you even know how miserable it would be if someone you love doesn't even understand you?
I need someone who could understand me, someone who is willing to understand me, and stay by my side until the end of time no matter how stubborn and miserable and depressed I am. Someone who accepts that I cannot live without drawing and writing? Is it a sin for me to wish for someone like that?
Sometimes I'm just too tired of everything that the only thing I wish for is death. Like now.
I'm falling so hard, so deeply, but what terrifies me the most is the fact that I don't want to stop falling. I can't hang onto anything around me anymore, I have to fall.
I want to die but somehow I won't let them kill me like this. I'm stronger than they could ever expect.
I'm too tired. But I can't give up.
If they want to play, then we shall play.
I shall never stop praying. Jesus, I trust in thee.