:goes to listen to I'm Not Okay like five dozen times:
It's like the teenage angst I never had in high school is showing up now... Some of it anyway.
IDEK how this happened. My mom is fairly traditional, and I'm an introverted weirdo. Now I feel like a couple of my life stages got mixed around. She finds me trying (and failing, lol) to sketch a design for a tattoo and is all >:OOOOO BLAH BLAH U R NOT GETTING ANOTHER ONE NOT WHILE YOU LIVE HERE BLAH BLAH.
I WILL get another tattoo. Soon. Eventually. Maybe not for my birthday, but I am aiming for sometime this year. Damn, she makes it sound like if I get another one, I'll die alone and unloved and never have a career since tattoos are only for addicts and criminals or some shit. Which is so wrong and offensive I couldn't even speak except for "Wut. Wut. WTF that is so wrong IDEK! Your opinions are a century out of date!" I know several lovely people who have tattoos, including my BFF. :| I said as much, along with "ha, it's funny how you think any of this might actually stop me."
I didn't think it would be so major, since I got the first one and my parents were mostly okay about it. None of my designs are huge or even all that visible. It's not like I'm planning on getting a whole sleeve done, jeezy creezy. I know quite well what my desired career expects of me, and all the tats I want to get will be in places that would be covered up at work. They'd only really be seen if I was at the beach or whatever.
And THEN she started babbling about boys and how some don't like chicks with tattoos and I'm all "haha that's nice very good for them, I wouldn't want to date them anyway." And there may have been something about she'd rather I be a lesbian than get more tattoos? IDK IDK, I wasn't really listening at that point.
Oh, and I asked if she'd throw me out if I got another one and she said yes. She's totally bluffing. No way she'd actually do it. Pffft. I bet if my little brother does the same thing in like 7-10 years, she wouldn't have such an issue with it.
"Tattoos don't make you prettier" she says. Again it comes down to my gender. Fuck that. Fuck it up the ass with no lube. :| I need to go find myself a pretty tattooed boyfriend. Even better if he wears women's clothes now and then cuz it's fun and he likes fucking with gender roles and shit like that. AND he's in like, nursing school or business or something. fuck you, stereotypes. (bllarrrghhh, basically Gerard Way is my ideal boyfriend).
I feel like such a teenager rn. Sitting in my room and angsting and listening to MCR for only they know my pain, heh. Guess it was meant to be, for me to get into MCR at this point in my life. I'd know of them before and liked the music, but wasn't a major fan. But then college graduation, summer, a job, and THE CONCERT, and BAM it's like they're describing my life. Sorta working backward, from the yay colors of Danger Days (which for me was about Sept-Nov of last year) to the darkness yet hopefulness of Black Parade and earlier records (my life now). Naturally after the whacked discussion I went and listened to some of Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge and watched the INOK vid a few times. (haha my mom said I can't dance. Guess who else can't dance, lol. At least I can swim? Oh, did I mention she implied I was fat too? So I don't go to the gym, I'll go with her if Mrs Look-Who's-Talking finds the time)
I'm feeling more confused and lost and anxious than I have for a while. Have to be ready to apply to PA schools. But...I'm figuring things out. I think I'm finding more of a balance, finding a center, my self, and expressing things. The music is helping. If they can find it, then so can I. I am not afraid to keep on living, or to walk this world alone. Why am I not writing fic? There's nothing to fear. I think I'm finally defeating one of my fiercest demons.
I might invert the design, have it crawling up my left shoulder, I'll have to see how it looks.