Humor from a couple of my friends from church.
Yes I did say my church friends. You wouldn't believe what they sent. But knowing Allis and Suzan, it's believeable.
"The Art Of Love Making"
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over
with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for over six hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Jewish man says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!"
ANOTHER ONE ...
One day while walking to the store I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same 6 old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are 6 ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they are having a yard sale".
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE ...
Shipwrecked
> A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is
> dark red.
> He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and
> sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the
> dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting
> to turn dark red too.
> "Oh no!!" he says.
> "I think I've been marooned!!"
>
AND AGAIN ...
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.
St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming
priests."
Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious."
NEW STUDENT
>
>It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the
>son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth
>grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
>history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea
of
>blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
>
>
>
>"Patrick Henry, 1775."
>
>
>
>"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
>people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"
>
>
>
>Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
>
>
>
>The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who
>is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"
>
>
>
>She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
>
>
>
>"Who said that?" she demanded.
>
>
>
>Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
>
>
>
>At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
>
>
>
>The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
>
>
>
>Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
>
>
>
>Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
>
>
>
>Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher,
>"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
>
>
>
>Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If
you say
>anything else, I'll kill you!"
>
>
>
>Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra
>Levy, 2001."
>
>
>
>The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor,
>someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
>
>
>
>Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
>
>
"The Art Of Love Making"
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over
with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for over six hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Jewish man says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!"
ANOTHER ONE ...
One day while walking to the store I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were 6 old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same 6 old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.
"Do you know there are 6 ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes and they are having a yard sale".
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE ...
Shipwrecked
> A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is
> dark red.
> He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and
> sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the
> dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting
> to turn dark red too.
> "Oh no!!" he says.
> "I think I've been marooned!!"
>
AND AGAIN ...
Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.
St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming
priests."
Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT?"
St. Peter says, "She's furious."
NEW STUDENT
>
>It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the
>son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth
>grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American
>history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?" She saw a sea
of
>blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
>
>
>
>"Patrick Henry, 1775."
>
>
>
>"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
>people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the
earth?"
>
>
>
>Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
>
>
>
>The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!
Pedro, who
>is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"
>
>
>
>She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
>
>
>
>"Who said that?" she demanded.
>
>
>
>Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
>
>
>
>At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
>
>
>
>The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
>
>
>
>Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
>
>
>
>Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
>
>
>
>Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher,
>"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
>
>
>
>Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If
you say
>anything else, I'll kill you!"
>
>
>
>Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra
>Levy, 2001."
>
>
>
>The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the
floor,
>someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
>
>
>
>Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
>
>