(no subject)
He lied to me, right to my face, he looked me in the eyes and told me everything he thought i wanted to hear. I knew it too, i knew he was lying the mintue i read the texts on his cell phone, i dont know if i was more upset that he was lying or the fact that i gave him the chance to keep lying to me. I just layed there, still as could be, no expression, knowing i was feeling all sorts of emotions yet not showing a single one on my face. Subconciously i wondered if he wanted me to cause a scene and show how i felt, but i just layed there blank not giving him the satsifaction of my pain. The only thing that surprised me was the fact that i didnt let him leave, instead after his speech of "oh no its not like that"s and "shes just a friend"s, i cracked a little. I guess it was the part where he said "i would never try to date anyone else because i know how speical you are and i would never wanna fuck that up, not for anyone." I dont know if it was the fact that i've heard that a million times before, or the fact that at that moment i knew that anybody who had to say that to me would never mean it, or maybe it was the fact that i just didn't wanna be alone that night, whatever it was, i threw caution to the wind and kissed him like it was going to be the last time i'd ever see him.
I let him stay that night, we talked a bit and finally went to sleep. I watched him get ready that morning for some big job interveiw, from the mintue i woke up that morning i knew it'd be the last time i was waking up next to him, i tried to enjoy it. there was nothing left to say, we both knew when he walked out that door that we'd never see eachother again, by choice at lease.
He kissed me on the forehead and then told me to call him or text him, I just looked away, let him kiss me and then opened the door. I closed it after he walked out of it, and out of my life, i watched him get in the car and drive away.
I don't know if i'm proud of myself or if I'm mad at myself, one for being nieve to the fact that i was forwarned about him yet still gave him a shot, mad that i let myself be open to be hurt again by someone who had way to much of a striking resemblment to the one who broke my heart, or proud of the fact that i got out early with a few scrapes and bruises and no perminate damage.