We made a swear that our hearts will never die
Y'know, despite all that's happening, despite the fact the tree isn't up, despite the fact I haven't gotten to do all the fun holiday-ish cards and stuff I was planning to do...I actually feel like this Christmas isn't gonna suck or just be a "meh, another day."
I KNOW SUCH A CHANGE FROM THE PAST COUPLE YEARS WHY IS THIS IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THINGS ARE WORSE, JULIAN! THE FAMILY IS STILL POOR, WE PROBABLY HAVE LESS MONEY DUE TO ALL THE SICK DAYS YOUR FATHER JUST HAD TO TAKE, YOU'RE STILL UNEMPLOYED, SO MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE TOO SAD OR ARE GOING THROUGH REALLY THOUGH TIMES AND IT'S BREAKING YOUR HEART TO SEE THEM STRUGGLE WITH MONEY (like yourself) AND EMOTIONS (again, like yourself!), AND ALL THOSE OTHER THINGS MAKING LIFE NOT GREAT!
I don't know. I'm writing this I'm hoping to try to rationalize this. Maybe right now I'm just happy that things are GETTING REAL holiday-wise. Maybe 'cause the snow from last week STILL hasn't all melted, and snow never fails to make me feel all holiday-ish. Maybe because my cousin, his wife, and three kids are celebrating Christmas in California and it'll just me my folks and my aunt and uncle over here in Missourah. (Meep! Selfish reason, but what can I say; I'm honest.)
Or...
I'm not sure how to properly put this. Usually for me, caring so much about others and not necessarily being able to do much makes me mad. Lately that has proved to be, by and large, ineffective. So, first I started with drawing slightly sad things that made me feel better, then I started listening to my feel-good music. Not just the silly "FRICK YEAH LET'S PARTY IT'S THE 80'S OR WHATEVER" music, but the music that made me hopeful, like those couple of songs I shared before, hoping that they could make some of my other friends smile.
Today, while my folks were shooping for FEWD (as Troy would put it) I was sitting playing MaJohnng and thinking of all the things that's good about...being good. Y'know, a dorky goody-two shoes with a big heart like I am. I just remembered that a lot of the reason I'm still in the process of trying to "de-program" the negativity and cynicism out of me is that...it just made me more and more miserable. I'm not speaking cliches when I say holding grudges or being bitter makes me feel all "icky and twisted up inside," honestly...that is often the best way to explain what holding onto those sort of things make me feel. Dwelling on how things can go WORSE just make me feel more NEGATIVE and like the world just SUCKS EGGS and that there's no point to it. I don't want to offend anyone here, but...I just often feel bad for a lot of my friends who are self-professed cynics and bitter. I spent my whole TEENAGE YEARS feeling that way, and we all know how THAT went. (Well, no we don't, I keep forgetting not everyone has known me as long as the others. But like most for most teenagers, they Didn't Go Well.)
I won't lie, there are a lot of sucky things in life. Yet if everything were good, that would just sort of make everything end up all "meh," right? Gah, it sounds like I'm spouting a bunch of cliches, but the thing is yeah, there does need to be dark to go with light and the thing is, I don't think it's all as bad as some people have made it out to be. If anything else, NATURE. I will never tire of it. I WILL flip out over a double rainbow if I saw one, probably. But I flip out if I see birds I've never seen before and have always wanted to. Well, that's the point, really, as I told my father, getting disenchanted and ignoring the wonders of everything around you is generally Bad Business for An Artist.
And people? Y'know, I think I've been blessed in a lot of ways. So many people complain about psychs and such, but once I started going to the adult services and was allowed to kick out whatever psych or therapist that didn't work out and was encouraged by my social workers and parents to do so because they knew damn well that if you don't get along with your psych or therapist then it's Just Not Gonna Work. (Yeah, I have flipped plenty of psychs and therapist the proverbial bird, and with the psychs, it didn't matter, they ended up leaving the clinic anyway. I'm still trying to find a therapist that I can not only get along with [that isn't the biggest problem] but also has the skillset to help me the way my earlier ones did. (In case you are wondering why it sounds like a lot of the doctors came and left by clinic, at one time, there was a...OWNERSHIP OVERHAUL, yeaaaaaaah, we know how those things go. >.>;;
And on that related note, I think for all the problems Cici's had, I was blessed with that place. My boss wasn't perfect, but he was wonderful and understanding of health things that a lot of bosses don't give a crap about. He also seemed to have a talent for hiring more geeky-type people, maybe because he liked talking about fantasy books or comic book-based movies while on break with his workers like I know he did with me. But the majority of my coworkers were also so, so kind, friendly, and helpful. Ones that weren't...didn't last. And...the customers. I was truly BLESSED. I never ONCE had any true "Not Always Right" material, I mean, if the worse things I can remember are a) those two snotty girls who couldn't imagine doing my "dirty" job because "they just spent their father's money" but were otherwise harmless and probably didn't even realize how rude they were, b) The couple who didn't want to be bothered by a busser periodically and told me rather bluntly to leave them alone, but we left it at that, and c) a family that had a member that had gotten in a rather bad mood, but the family was APOLOGISING TO ME and trying to do everything for her to minimize any interactions with her in case she did something unsavory, that isn't bad. At all. In fact, that is pretty freaking good.
Okay so maybe in some ways my life has been charmed compared to others. But still...I would say nature, good friends, great music, great art, wonderful, inspiring movies, stories, whateverhave you make up for it. Or at least perhaps help you get over the stuff that sucks and keeps you from dwelling. Which...is all I guess I'm trying to say. That, and I love to at least try to be be the source or just spread that stuff that makes life better. It seriously MAKES MY DAY just to hear another person say they got a giggle out of my silly cartoons. Which is probably a big part of why I keep doing them. Kind of like the foolish notion that they had at Termite Terrace/ WB animation studios in the golden days, that maybe if something made them laugh, perhaps it would make others laugh, too. A lot of times I just feel like I'm doing the Internet equivalent of joking around with friends, illustrating the joke on lined paper, then passing it around and giggling in study hall. Actually, that's pretty much what it is, but I'm okay with that, I'm glad more people seeing it not to necessarily OMG SEE MY ART, but again, I just get a thrill when someone actually says they LAUGHED at something. Or if it touched them, or inspired them, whatever, ANYTHING POSITIVE.
This is all so cliche sounding and OBVIOUS, but in the end: What makes me happy: funny/inspiring/touching things, sharing those things with others to help along their happiness, and if I'm lucky, create something that can make them smile. What can trigger negative emotions: Generally making people unhappy. It's so simple, but, after this long ramble on "why I feel happy when normally I wouldn't be"...that's where I've arrived. Finding the things that make you feel love and happiness, making you happy, and then sharing it, which just makes it even better. (I suppose some people would say that's selfish intentions, but if wanting to share cool things to revel in with other people because you know it'll probably make them happy too, then I'm all for it.)
I'm not like Lycanthrope and have those magic words all the time like he used to. In short, I'm pretty rubbish at advice most of the time. And I know often "hey, look at the bright side" or "hey, y'know, maybe this song will make you feel better/this video will make you laugh/whatever" is looked at a cheap way of cheering someone up, and is defiantly not the answer all the time. But I do know it's pretty much what I'm good at. (It's odd, when I have advice, it seems to be all too often in the form of tough love because while always rather have something cheerful to say, I still alway insist on telling the truth. Strange dichotomy.)
Y'know, and this is all mostly stuff I started to do for MY OWN sanity, at least the trying to focus on the good and try not to focus on grudges or other angry and bitter things just because they pretty much ate away at my soul, and still perfectly capable of doing so. But my God, I swear I will always try to reverse it as soon as I realize what's happening. As I said, it's pretty much like de-programming myself in a lot of ways. Damnit, I'm trying, and I shouldn't feel guilty or even surprised when I AM successful and AM happy. (Seriously, I wonder if some people are thinking "why is she acting so lighthearted like things are normal?" First: What normal? Second: Because dwelling destroys me. And if I can help cheer people up while in the process of straightening up my own heart by sharing what works for me, even better. No, it won't work for everyone. But I'll certainly offer it up just in case.)
If you read all that, first, here's your insulin, and congratulations, you just read what was basically a "out loud" train of thought ramble of me trying to rationalize WHY I FEEL CERTAIN THINGS. I think I've gotten down to Johnny Five level, I HAVE TO WORK REALLY HARD TO FIGURE OUT WHY I FEEL THINGS. (No offense, J5, you know ILU. ^_^ )
It's almost 1AM over here AND WE'RE PUTTIN UP THE TREE... and MY MUM FINALLY SAID SHE LIKED SHORT CIRCUIT AND SHE JUST NEVER KNEW WHAT IT WAS OR NUMBER 5/J5'S NAME OR ANYTHING and ME AND MY DAD WERE FLABBERGASTED and me DELIGHTED. She doesn't know I have the DVDs...hmmmm, there usually needs to be something on in the background when we put up the tree.... 8)
I KNOW SUCH A CHANGE FROM THE PAST COUPLE YEARS WHY IS THIS IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT THINGS ARE WORSE, JULIAN! THE FAMILY IS STILL POOR, WE PROBABLY HAVE LESS MONEY DUE TO ALL THE SICK DAYS YOUR FATHER JUST HAD TO TAKE, YOU'RE STILL UNEMPLOYED, SO MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE TOO SAD OR ARE GOING THROUGH REALLY THOUGH TIMES AND IT'S BREAKING YOUR HEART TO SEE THEM STRUGGLE WITH MONEY (like yourself) AND EMOTIONS (again, like yourself!), AND ALL THOSE OTHER THINGS MAKING LIFE NOT GREAT!
I don't know. I'm writing this I'm hoping to try to rationalize this. Maybe right now I'm just happy that things are GETTING REAL holiday-wise. Maybe 'cause the snow from last week STILL hasn't all melted, and snow never fails to make me feel all holiday-ish. Maybe because my cousin, his wife, and three kids are celebrating Christmas in California and it'll just me my folks and my aunt and uncle over here in Missourah. (Meep! Selfish reason, but what can I say; I'm honest.)
Or...
I'm not sure how to properly put this. Usually for me, caring so much about others and not necessarily being able to do much makes me mad. Lately that has proved to be, by and large, ineffective. So, first I started with drawing slightly sad things that made me feel better, then I started listening to my feel-good music. Not just the silly "FRICK YEAH LET'S PARTY IT'S THE 80'S OR WHATEVER" music, but the music that made me hopeful, like those couple of songs I shared before, hoping that they could make some of my other friends smile.
Today, while my folks were shooping for FEWD (as Troy would put it) I was sitting playing MaJohnng and thinking of all the things that's good about...being good. Y'know, a dorky goody-two shoes with a big heart like I am. I just remembered that a lot of the reason I'm still in the process of trying to "de-program" the negativity and cynicism out of me is that...it just made me more and more miserable. I'm not speaking cliches when I say holding grudges or being bitter makes me feel all "icky and twisted up inside," honestly...that is often the best way to explain what holding onto those sort of things make me feel. Dwelling on how things can go WORSE just make me feel more NEGATIVE and like the world just SUCKS EGGS and that there's no point to it. I don't want to offend anyone here, but...I just often feel bad for a lot of my friends who are self-professed cynics and bitter. I spent my whole TEENAGE YEARS feeling that way, and we all know how THAT went. (Well, no we don't, I keep forgetting not everyone has known me as long as the others. But like most for most teenagers, they Didn't Go Well.)
I won't lie, there are a lot of sucky things in life. Yet if everything were good, that would just sort of make everything end up all "meh," right? Gah, it sounds like I'm spouting a bunch of cliches, but the thing is yeah, there does need to be dark to go with light and the thing is, I don't think it's all as bad as some people have made it out to be. If anything else, NATURE. I will never tire of it. I WILL flip out over a double rainbow if I saw one, probably. But I flip out if I see birds I've never seen before and have always wanted to. Well, that's the point, really, as I told my father, getting disenchanted and ignoring the wonders of everything around you is generally Bad Business for An Artist.
And people? Y'know, I think I've been blessed in a lot of ways. So many people complain about psychs and such, but once I started going to the adult services and was allowed to kick out whatever psych or therapist that didn't work out and was encouraged by my social workers and parents to do so because they knew damn well that if you don't get along with your psych or therapist then it's Just Not Gonna Work. (Yeah, I have flipped plenty of psychs and therapist the proverbial bird, and with the psychs, it didn't matter, they ended up leaving the clinic anyway. I'm still trying to find a therapist that I can not only get along with [that isn't the biggest problem] but also has the skillset to help me the way my earlier ones did. (In case you are wondering why it sounds like a lot of the doctors came and left by clinic, at one time, there was a...OWNERSHIP OVERHAUL, yeaaaaaaah, we know how those things go. >.>;;
And on that related note, I think for all the problems Cici's had, I was blessed with that place. My boss wasn't perfect, but he was wonderful and understanding of health things that a lot of bosses don't give a crap about. He also seemed to have a talent for hiring more geeky-type people, maybe because he liked talking about fantasy books or comic book-based movies while on break with his workers like I know he did with me. But the majority of my coworkers were also so, so kind, friendly, and helpful. Ones that weren't...didn't last. And...the customers. I was truly BLESSED. I never ONCE had any true "Not Always Right" material, I mean, if the worse things I can remember are a) those two snotty girls who couldn't imagine doing my "dirty" job because "they just spent their father's money" but were otherwise harmless and probably didn't even realize how rude they were, b) The couple who didn't want to be bothered by a busser periodically and told me rather bluntly to leave them alone, but we left it at that, and c) a family that had a member that had gotten in a rather bad mood, but the family was APOLOGISING TO ME and trying to do everything for her to minimize any interactions with her in case she did something unsavory, that isn't bad. At all. In fact, that is pretty freaking good.
Okay so maybe in some ways my life has been charmed compared to others. But still...I would say nature, good friends, great music, great art, wonderful, inspiring movies, stories, whateverhave you make up for it. Or at least perhaps help you get over the stuff that sucks and keeps you from dwelling. Which...is all I guess I'm trying to say. That, and I love to at least try to be be the source or just spread that stuff that makes life better. It seriously MAKES MY DAY just to hear another person say they got a giggle out of my silly cartoons. Which is probably a big part of why I keep doing them. Kind of like the foolish notion that they had at Termite Terrace/ WB animation studios in the golden days, that maybe if something made them laugh, perhaps it would make others laugh, too. A lot of times I just feel like I'm doing the Internet equivalent of joking around with friends, illustrating the joke on lined paper, then passing it around and giggling in study hall. Actually, that's pretty much what it is, but I'm okay with that, I'm glad more people seeing it not to necessarily OMG SEE MY ART, but again, I just get a thrill when someone actually says they LAUGHED at something. Or if it touched them, or inspired them, whatever, ANYTHING POSITIVE.
This is all so cliche sounding and OBVIOUS, but in the end: What makes me happy: funny/inspiring/touching things, sharing those things with others to help along their happiness, and if I'm lucky, create something that can make them smile. What can trigger negative emotions: Generally making people unhappy. It's so simple, but, after this long ramble on "why I feel happy when normally I wouldn't be"...that's where I've arrived. Finding the things that make you feel love and happiness, making you happy, and then sharing it, which just makes it even better. (I suppose some people would say that's selfish intentions, but if wanting to share cool things to revel in with other people because you know it'll probably make them happy too, then I'm all for it.)
I'm not like Lycanthrope and have those magic words all the time like he used to. In short, I'm pretty rubbish at advice most of the time. And I know often "hey, look at the bright side" or "hey, y'know, maybe this song will make you feel better/this video will make you laugh/whatever" is looked at a cheap way of cheering someone up, and is defiantly not the answer all the time. But I do know it's pretty much what I'm good at. (It's odd, when I have advice, it seems to be all too often in the form of tough love because while always rather have something cheerful to say, I still alway insist on telling the truth. Strange dichotomy.)
Y'know, and this is all mostly stuff I started to do for MY OWN sanity, at least the trying to focus on the good and try not to focus on grudges or other angry and bitter things just because they pretty much ate away at my soul, and still perfectly capable of doing so. But my God, I swear I will always try to reverse it as soon as I realize what's happening. As I said, it's pretty much like de-programming myself in a lot of ways. Damnit, I'm trying, and I shouldn't feel guilty or even surprised when I AM successful and AM happy. (Seriously, I wonder if some people are thinking "why is she acting so lighthearted like things are normal?" First: What normal? Second: Because dwelling destroys me. And if I can help cheer people up while in the process of straightening up my own heart by sharing what works for me, even better. No, it won't work for everyone. But I'll certainly offer it up just in case.)
If you read all that, first, here's your insulin, and congratulations, you just read what was basically a "out loud" train of thought ramble of me trying to rationalize WHY I FEEL CERTAIN THINGS. I think I've gotten down to Johnny Five level, I HAVE TO WORK REALLY HARD TO FIGURE OUT WHY I FEEL THINGS. (No offense, J5, you know ILU. ^_^ )
It's almost 1AM over here AND WE'RE PUTTIN UP THE TREE... and MY MUM FINALLY SAID SHE LIKED SHORT CIRCUIT AND SHE JUST NEVER KNEW WHAT IT WAS OR NUMBER 5/J5'S NAME OR ANYTHING and ME AND MY DAD WERE FLABBERGASTED and me DELIGHTED. She doesn't know I have the DVDs...hmmmm, there usually needs to be something on in the background when we put up the tree.... 8)