The Night Before Classes...
'Twas the night before classes
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse....
YEAH RIGHT!!!!!
I just WISH my mother could get off my back sometimes. My GOD!!!! Even right now she is talking about me, as though I am not even in the next room. Please believe that I am actually very glad to go back to school because that will give me a chance to get away from this place. I like learning, but this will give me a chance to get away. She wonders why I spend so much time on the weekends at church, with my friends and singing in the band???!!! Yes, because I do love it and enjoy what I do, but also because I don't want to be home. I'm TIRED of the fussing and fighting, I'm tired of pretending to be somebody else around her to make her talk to me and/or pay attention to me, I'm tired of NOT being myself around her. I'm tired of it. I am tired of trying to please her. Sometimes I don't even do things the way I want to because I am trying to please her and when I realize that that's what I'm doing, I get so upset. I don't EVER beg people for ANYTHING, but for some reason I try so hard for her to love me or at least ACT like she does. It hurts. It burns. It really does. Then I wonder why it takes me so long to fully accept people into my heart. Not surprising after I have been hurt so many times.
When I look at other girls and their moms in public, I just smile, but after a while, my smile vanishes and it turns into this weird hurt/envy/jealousy because I don't have that. Then I repent and ask the Lord to forgive me for feeling like that and actually pray that those girls and their mothers will have awesome, lasting relationships.
Anyway, classes do start tomorrow and it IS pretty late. My first class is at 12:20 and I have that commute from the Bx. to Queens. Sigh The way I see it now, I don't even mind it because as long as I am not home I am ok. Hopefully things will change. Whatshisface, her fiance, is supposed to be moving in in a few weeks. I do not like this guy for anything, but what can I say. I just gotta deal with it.
Peace out.
Ya pray for me...no joke. Just mention my name. God will hear it and He'll answer.
Thanks.