Getting Motivated
I love the idea of forever. In all of its grandeur and splendor, I can see my future ahead of me with all of the roads clearly mapped out. That horizon is waiting for me to make the right decisions and to embrace it - take it all in - live that life to the fullest. And while it sits out there with all of it's bells and whistles looking oh so glorious and perfect, it seems so far away - so unattainable... at times, a fairytale. Is it unfeasible to look at your life and try to make a plan at 23? Do we allow ourselves to become too consumed by the "ifs" when we dwell in uncertainty and then conversely become equally consumed by the "why nots" when things are going well? I mean why not change jobs and try to be more successful? Why not take a leap of faith and hope for the best? Why not say exactly how you feel 24/7 and have confidence that the purity/honesty in your motivations for speaking will achieve for you the end results you desire? Why not... when things are so good? This is where I am afraid to fall and here, especially, is where I have trouble trusting. I don't trust my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. I question myself and that causes me to question those around me. Why pass such harsh judgments in a perfect situation? Because it's not really perfect? Because that beautiful horizon may never be a part of my present reality? Why over think myself out of that chance? "Why not" just let each course and each decision take its own toll and make its own path and see where that places me down the road? It is so hard for me to relinquish that control and let things lie in an "as is" fashion. Nonetheless, in trying to control the direction of my life and gear it more and more towards that "perfect" future, I feel like I am doing myself in and aiding in a disaster. Why is trying to go after what you want so dangerous at times? Why can you sometimes only get what you want when you let things go.... let them take shape on their own? "What if" that is the wrong decision? "What if" that causes more uncertainty and pain in the end than joy and happiness? "What if" that perfect horizon is an illusion.... what if it's all a phase in this process labeled growth? The trouble is that I won't ever know what could have/would have/should have been until I reach the end of my days. None of us ever do. All I can do is enjoy the journey and do my best to make good decisions and hope that this lands me on a positive path. Then the love and support I feel surrounding me will allot me more freedom for the "why not" thought process. Despite the changes I have made, I still feel the never-ending tug of the cycle in my thoughts. Maybe a part of us always remains cautious and fretful about certain things in life and confident about others... maybe we just learn to balance the scale between our insecurities and strengths better as we grow older. Right now, I am trying my best to be a stronger, kinder, more honest, and more level-headed woman. And at the root of all of this, what I ultimately have to do remains so difficult to put into action: motivating myself to let some things go - it seems like such an oxymoron... but sometimes, a little faith, in yourself and in others, can really take you a lot farther than a “plan”.