Walmart Nights
It's sad when you know you've hit your lowest.
And I think I did last night.
I went to the movies with my mother. It was ladies night (also known as ladies pay $3.00 for a movie on Tuesday nights) and she hadn't seen Harry Potter yet, so we went together. It was fun. We saw Holly and Cailey. We both knew it was them. But we didn't really see them until the end of the movie. We talked with them for a few minutes.
Jeremy was there with a few of his friends. My mom and I collected him after the movie was over. His friend Tyler came with us to spend the night. First my mom had to go to Walmart. So we all went. I separated from them to see if I could find anything for my dad for Christmas. No go. But I did find one of my favourite movies, The Boondock Saints, for only $9.84 so I traded my mom my $15.00 Sam Goody gift card for the movie and the extra $5.00.
Then I went to find my mother.
And that's when it happened.
There I was, walking around Walmart at 8:00 at night. Alone. With and instrumental "O Holy Night" playing in the background. And all that was running through my mind was, "I feel so alone."
It wasn't the greatest feeling.
I felt terrible.
I didn't do anything today. Fell asleep on my parents bed around 3:00 in the afternoon. With my dogs. All three of them climbed up there with me. And I fell asleep.
I saw Andrew on Saturday night. It was fun. He picked me and Becky up and we went out to Kyle's. Hannah, Zach, Silas, Megan, Josh and Nickolay were there as well. We watched Office Space. Then we went outside to have a snowball fight, which was a lot of fun. Andrew whitewashed me so many times. Then he picked me up and threw me in the snow over three times. Then Becky and I tackled Megan and shoved her in the snow. All of us were soaked. We all ended up wearing Kyle's pants because ours were too wet. That was interesting. Becky, Megan and I all had to hold them up while walking.
After that we came inside and watched Land of The Dead and 40-Year-Old Virgin.
Then we left.
I felt pretty damn lonely.
When we got to my house, Andrew got out of his car and walked me to the door saying, "Hello my dear." He gave me his arm. I miss him lots. They'll be back around the end of January again. He's the greatest big-brother-who-really-isn't-my-brother.
I think I'm pulling away from people again. I was supposed to go out to the movies with a bunch of people on Friday night, and then go back to Claire's. But I stayed home. I just felt too tired.
I'm not calling anyone to do anything.
I'm not being called.
I'm just kind of pulling away.
I keep getting it in my head that if I pull away now, leaving for college won't be as hard.
If you're not close to someone, you don't get hurt when they leave you. When things end.
But then you lose out on everything....
It's a never ending circle of "but if..."
I got an interesting phone call tonight. The caller ID said "Private Name: Private Number". So I didn't answer. My dad did. It ended up being for me. It was someone calling to ask for Melissa's phone number. I kind of paused for a moment, not sure if it was for real. It was out of nowhere! I have no idea who it was. I didn't really know what to say, so I asked if they wanted her cell phone number or her phone number. They said cell phone would be alright. So I gave it to them. I didn't think to tell them until after they hung up that she wouldn't be answering it because Boppie has it. Or maybe Melissa has it again. I don't know.
It was still weird.
Anyway.
I finally have all of my family Christmas shopping done. I bought Jeremy the Alkaline Trio "Crimson" CD, complete with a disc of acoustic versions of the songs. For my mom, I bought her The Who Live performing Tommy and Quadrophenia. I bought my dad the Jack Johnson DVD. I hope they all like it.
My mom is calling me for dinner.
Oh joy.
Enough for now.