What do you do?
I can't take Iris off repeat. The song by The Goo Goo Dolls. I've tried to find something else to listen to, but that's just what I keep putting on. I can't help it. It just fits right now. It fits.
I'm warning anyone who reads this entry, that it will probably be very hypocritical. With each paragraph, I'll probably contradict the previous. But that's just the way it's going to be. My mind is going 1,245,631 miles an hour. So I'm on here. Writing. Letting those thoughts go those 1,245,631 miles an hour through my arms, out my fingertips and onto the keyboard to be transfered to this screen.
Welcome to the wonderful overdramatic world of Nina Lisa. Please, enjoy your stay!
Nothing ever works how you want it to. That's life. That's just fucking life. Plain and simple. Every time you wave goodbye to a problem, a new one knocks on your door, moves in, and overstays its welcome on your couch. Again, that's just life. And I'm going to have to get used to it. Deal with it. You know?
I don't even know.
At least, I don't think I do.
Why can't I be the perfect one? Why can't I be the one everyone says, "Oh, she's so pretty, she's so skinny" about? Why can't I be as good as she is? Why can't I be perfect like her?
I know. No one is perfect. No one at all. We all have our inner demons no one knows about. It's better to love our own lives and appreciate what we have. But we always have that little inkling... inkling? What the fuck? Is that even a word? Who cares.
There's no such thing as perfect.
It doesn't exist.
But does it keep us from wanting it even more?
Maybe if I were as pretty as she is, then I'd be loved.
Maybe if I were as thin as she is, then I'd be loved.
"If the grass is greener on the other side, then when you cross to the greener side, the grass will become greener on the original side, you stupid philosophers." - Maddox
I just have to remember that....
Remember it.
It doesn't matter though.
When you feel lonely, you really feel fucking lonely.
Like you can't do anything right.
Like you have no one, even when you have a bunch of people who love you to pieces, just like I do.
It's the time where you feel like there's no one left because you've pushed everyone away.
It's the time where you reflect on all of those memories... You know... those... that come back to haunt you every once in awhile. Those memeories. When you remember an embrace. A touch. A hug. A kiss. A special feeling. Anything, really.
And you just fucking want it back.
You want nothing more.
But then you think.
And you wonder, "What the fuck!? Where did this come from? What the shit is this?"
And you wonder if it's real.
And you wonder if it's really because you're just feeling damn lonely.
And you wonder if maybe you're not just being a bit overdramatic.
And you wonder if maybe you crave human touch a bit too much at the moment, therefore you're not making sense to anyone, especially yourself.
See? Even I don't know what the shit I'm talking about.
It's like a minor variation of a song going on inside your head. At one point it's perfect. A beautiful melody. In a major key. And then suddenly it turns rather grotesque. But not in a scary, ugly way. But in the way where it seems like the notes can't be right. They just can't be. But in a strange way, they are. And they fit. But then it returns to normal.
Don't you hate it when you sit down and think, and you remember mistakes you've made? And you can pin-point the one that you regret most at the moment. One that you know changed everything. Literally everything. And you can't take it back? And it will follow you for awhile? And you wonder what might've happened if you didn't make it? Or if you could erase it and start over since you know how everything turned out?
I hate it when that happens.
And I'm also hating that it was all my fault to begin with, so I really am not allowed to be upset, right?
I did it.
No complaining.
Your fault, dumb ass.
"What do you do when smiles go away? When everything changes within one day? What do you do when love falls through? When the one that you love doesn't love you?"
What do you do? What the hell do you do?
I promise I'll find the answer.
And then I'll let all of you know.
So no one ever has to be sad or pining or anything like that again.
I promise I will.
Or something.
But I'm afraid to say I don't think there is an answer.
Actually, I know there is no answer.
There never will be one.
And that's where I bring myself back to the beginning of this whole rant.
That's just life.
Plain and simple as that.
And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
~ The Goo Goo Dolls; Iris