Ashes to Ashes
Lots to write. Lots to write. Lots to write. Lots to write.... Shit.
Friday was the Halloween Dance. Cailey and I went together dressed as Helena. I'll try and post some pictures... if they're good. Our costumes were freaking awesome, but it was freezing. But it was a lot of fun. Cailey, Ben, Jim and I danced so much. It was great. Then we had Hannah and Zach put on Under Pressure, and Cailey and I freaked out. It was awesome.
Brittany and I decided, along with most of our senior class, that we should sing Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen for graduation. And we were excited about it. So when Cailey I saw Josh and Silas walking from the bonfire, I went to tell them, because I was excited. The response? Silas said, "Big fucking thumbs down." And that pissed me off so much. So I said, "Fuck you." He rolled his eyes. And I said, "No, really. Fuck you. That was horrible." He's been such an asshole lately. I don't understand. I really don't. He fucking hates me. So does Kyle. I'm such a bad person. To many people, I'm fucking Satan. Cailey, Holly and I apparently have our own hate club going on of people who hate us so fucking much... but I'll get to that....
The dance was great fun. Until something went down...
I don't even know what time it was. Maybe 9:30... 10:00? I just don't know. But I was outside sitting on my car with Cailey and Alyssa. And Jim, Kyle, Nikki, Pyles, Gabe, Silas and Josh all came over. And I think Craig did too... but they were all talking about getting wasted... Cailey told me that Kyle had said to her earlier in choir that day, "We have to get Nina completely wasted tonight." I wanted to kill him for that... When I confronted him he said he never said that... but somehow I have such a hard time believing that... Anyway... they were all talking about getting wasted... and that made me feel sick... because of... well, you know.... And I just started coughing. And couldn't stop. The next thing I knew, they were pulling out bottles of Smirnoff... at our fucking school dance... And I couldn't breathe. I started shaking. It was dark out. No one could see. I freaked out at Pyles. I just started saying, "Get that shit away from my car. GET THAT FUCKING SHIT AWAY FROM MY CAR!" And then I just started tearing up... and I walked away. I walked all the way down the driveway, sobbing. I couldn't stop.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't stop shaking.
I just wanted the world to stop and let me the hell off of it.
But it wouldn't.
I stood at the end of the driveway for a good few minutes before I heard footsteps coming up behind me. It was Cailey. She asked me if I was alright. I started to say no, but I honestly couldn't. I just started sobbing even harder. She pulled me into a giant hug. And I cried. And cried. And cried. And she just held me crying. I couldn't stop. Then Jeremy came up. And I cried in his arms too. I couldn't help it. I just started crying harder. Cailey and Jeremy eventually had me wrapped up in a hug together. I just spilled it all to Cailey. How much I miss Melissa. How much that hurt me when they did that back there, especially when they know what happened... when they know how I feel about all of that... Cailey told me that when I walked off they were saying, "Was that Nina? What was wrong? What's her problem?" Stupidly. Each of them know exactly what it is. Exactly what happened. And I just wanted to kill each of them.
I told Jeremy and Cailey and I was going for a walk. I walked across the lawn to the other side of the driveway and sat on the cold grass in my dress and thin sweater and just cried in the dark. Sobbed harder. Then I heard someone coming. I knew it was Josh. I didn't even have to look up and take my face out of my hands. He sat down. Asked me what was wrong. I just looked at him. He said, "I don't mean it like that, I know what's wrong... I don't know..." And I cried more. I just wanted someone who really cared to be there. He only came after awhile. After Silas and all of them walked away. It all just hurt so damn much. Every fucking aspect of it. All of it. The whole God damn thing. Then Cailey and Jeremy found me. They had been walking up and down the street frantically looking for me. Cailey gave me a huge hug when she saw me. She was very worried, she said. I love my Cailey.
The rest of the dance wasn't so great. My eyes hurt from crying. I was cold. Cailey and I went over by the bonfire. Then we ended up sitting in my car with the heat on, listening to My Chemical Romance. I screamed the whole song I'm Not Okay. It hurt like hell, but I screamed it all.
Towards the end of the dance I went to take my mom home (she and my dad helped chaperone) and then I went with Cailey to take Craig out to Ben's, because Ben and Jin were going to take the sound system back to school, and Jim had a full car with Josh, Silas, Kyle and Nickolay. But no one was there. So we just say in my car listening to My Chemical Romance until Mrs. Cheney opened the door. Craig is awesome. After the CD ended, he said to me and Cailey, "You know, they're not as bad as Josh and Silas say they are. They're pretty good." Cailey and I now love Craig. I fucking hate it when people make fun of your music taste to your fucking face. It's so heartless.
We were only in the Cheney's house for a few minutes before Jim, Josh, Nickolay, Kyle and Silas got there. And then they did. And that's when they told us that they saw Nikki pulled over by a cop by the fairgrounds.... with Simone and Emily and Emily's friend. And they went to jail. I knew that would happen. I even said it to Cailey. I have a sixth sense for those things. So far, whenever I hear about people going to drink, I say, "They're going to get busted tonight." And they do. It always happens. And no one fucking listens to me. They don't fucking understand. And it makes me so mad. And then they're upset about getting busted. I have no fucking pity for them. None what-so-fucking-ever. I always tell them it's a bad idea. But no one ever fucking listens to me. And that's their fucking problem. I don't give a fuck. Can you tell?
After leaving Ben's, Cailey and I went back to her house and crashed in her room. We fell asleep listening to My Chemical Romance.
The next day I helped the Conners' move. The whole thing is fairly sad. It truly is. Their dad, Todd, is away in Montana at the moment. He left on Friday, and he's coming back in a week. So it was this weekend or never. They had to move out, or they never would. They found an apartment over by Independence Village. And we spent the next two days moving their things. It was wonderful to see all of the people coming over to help Cailey, Holly, Ellie and Jeanne get away from that hell hole. That Spaldings (Bob, Sandee, Faith and Jonathon) were there. Then Travis came. And Ben came to help too. Then Mamoo and Beth came (their grandma and cousin). They hate Beth, so it didn't really help that she was there. And then their friend Alexandra came over too. She helped Holly while I helped Cailey.
It was so weird emptying Cailey's room. We had to take all of her pictures off her wall, and every piece of her artwork down. She didn't show it, but she was a mess. I could see it in her eyes. She threw away so many things. I could just tell how hard it was for her. When she was putting some boxes in Travis' car, Jeanne came into her room to talk to me. She thanked me deeply for helping them. I told them of course, I love them. She told me how hard it is for Cailey right now, because when she loves someone, she really loves someone, and she loved her daddy. That's exactly what Jeanne said. I hate Todd. I hate him so much. He reminds me so much of Tim, Melissa's dad... He really does. It's just weird. Cailey, Holly and I figured out that he knew Tim. He and Tim were friends. Because they remember last May, when Melissa's dad died, Todd coming home saying that he had a phone call that his "buddy Tim died". He's so horrible to them. You know what he's going to do when he gets home from Montana? He's going to look around and say, "There's something different about this place." Then he'll leave and go to his girlfriend's house. And each time he comes back, he'll notice something's different... "The furniture's gone!.... There's no more food left!" And that's all. He doesn't give a shit about his girls. At all. He yells at them and calls them names and drinks. And he lives with his fucking girlfriend in Boyne City. We did leave him some food though. We left him Light Mayonnaise and sausage gravy. He hates Light Mayonnaise. And Jeanne didn't want the sausage gravy. So, there you go Todd. Happy homecoming.
The new apartment looks pretty good. It's very small, and nothing like their old house. And Cailey can't write on her walls anymore, because they're renting it. And Ellie and Jeanne have to share a room. And Cailey and Holly have to share a room now too. When we had everything moved into Cailey and Holly's room, Cailey and I were going to go back to my house and then rent some movies for all of us to watch (Alex stayed over too, and Katie came over as well). I stayed and talked to Jeanne for a moment before leaving. When I went to go to my car, I couldn't find Cailey.
So I went out to my car.
There was Cailey sitting in the front seat, crying.
I have never seen Cailey cry before. Ever.
She was wiping her eyes when I got in, pretending that she hadn't been crying. I started the ignition. I had the Goo Goo Dolls in my CD player. Iris came on. I started driving.
Halfway to my house, I looked over at Cailey. She was silently crying. So I took her hand. And she held on for dear life. She squeezed my hand like she was falling and that was the only way to stay up.
When we got to my house, we got out of my car. She came around and before we walked to my door, she said, "Thanks for holding me."
I gave her a hug.
And she started crying.
She wept.
She said, "I've been holding it in all day."
"I know," I told her.
She sobbed.
It hurt so much to hear her. And she was shaking. She held onto my as if she were falling, just like in the car. She kept crying and crying.
And in that moment I wished I could kill Todd.
My poor Cailey.
She has Jeanne. She has Ellie. She has her own twin sister, Holly. But Holly has Travis. And as much as I love Holly, she hasn't been there for Cailey lately. And this is a time where Cailey really needs her. Holly is having a one-track-Travis-mind. It's a good thing Travis cares about Cailey, because he's been trying to help her through it too... but still... Cailey really needs her right now... I wish she could have her as much as she needs her....
She kept crying.
Through her tears she said to me shakily, "I don't know what I'd do without you." And I told her I don't know what I'd do without her. Because it's true. Just the night before she held me in a hug while I cried my heart out. I'm so glad I have Cailey... because for some reason it feels right now that she's all I have. I have Holly. I have Erin. I know I have Ben. I know I have Jim. I have others. I guess. I think. I don't know.... But without Cailey... I don't know what I'd do right now....
We never ended up getting to watch the movies. We couldn't figure out how to hook the DVD player up in the new house, so when the cable guy goes to their house tomorrow, he's going to take a look at that too.
That night we spent the first night in Cailey and Holly's new room. Cailey told me she was glad I was spending the night again. She told me she wasn't sure what she would have done if I wouldn't have been there that night. Katie and Alex spent the night as well. They all fell asleep early. Cailey and I stayed up laughing and talking.
The next morning when we woke up, Holly said that we were sleeping with our heads leaned in together. She said it was the cutest thing she had ever seen. Hehe.
We just kind of hung out on Sunday. Finished moving their things to the new apartment.
My Halloween was good. We have theatre week this week, so there's no school for the high school. We're down at McCune Arts Center auditorium all week. I did so much with lighting yesterday. I pretty much spent the whole day on the ladder patching lights and connecting circuits. It was a long day. It was also Frank Iero's birthday, so Cailey, Holly and I were all giddy and wrote "Halloween" across our knuckles :-D
I really don't feel like talking much about yesterday during school. I just felt so horrible. I don't really know why. I just did. People were just pissing me off.
After school was much, much, much better. Cailey, Holly, Erin and I all went to the church to see Anchors For Reality (Andrew's band), Grail (Jim's band), and The Exoskeletons (Jordan's band) play. They were all so awesome. It was great to see Andrew. I miss him so much! We stood over by where he was playing. He was so kick ass! It was awesome. After they were finished playing their set, I went over and gave him a huge hug and told him he was sweaty as shit, and he ran my hands all over his face and hair and I said, "Eeeww!" It was actually pretty funny.
Anchors is the band that Andrew is going on tour with... they're leaving on the 10th. I'm going to miss him so fucking much. I miss him while he's still in town because I never ever get to see him! If you have a chance, and find out they're playing in your town, please go see them. And tell Andrew I sent you to see him. They're band website is www.anchorsforreality.com. They're on myspace. And they're so awesome. Seriously. Check them out. Support my Andrew brother! ;-)
Ms. Cromwell (my AP studio art teacher) and her fiancee were there.
Grail was awesome, as always. We had such a great time singing along with them. I love Jim. He's awesome :-) Ben, Shawn and Jin showed up halfway through. Cailey and I saw Shawn right away, screamed, "Shawn!" and the four of us pretty much pounced on him to give him hugs. He's so great. I love Shawn too :-)
Mrs. Watton couldn't tell Cailey, Holly and I apart. Seriously. She couldn't. And Cailey and Holly are the twins. But she still couldn't tell which was which of the three of us. It was funny.
After Grail Cailey, Ben, Shawn, Holly, Erin, Jin and I went to go sit down because we were so tired. We were dancing and singing so much. It was a lot of fun. Shawn was really sweet. He suddenly leaned over to me and said, "Nina, you're so beautiful." I love Shawn. I've known him since I was in third grade. I'm going to miss him lots next year.
We left during the third Exoskeletons song. They were good, it's just we had to leave because Erin had to be home by 10:30. It was 8:00 and we still had things to do.
Travis met up with us and he, Cailey, Holly, Ben, Erin, Jin and I all went to Poor Man's Beach behind Glen's. We went with a bag of stuff: a pair of Todd's slippers, some of Cailey's artwork that she didn't want, letters, pictures, magazine pictures of people we hate, a hairbrush of theirs used by someone they can't stand, and then a Christian counseling book she had gotten. We went to the firepit and burned it all. We burned the slippers first. And then art. It was wonderful though. It was so... I don't know... rejuvinating? Cailey was really getting into it. She was so glad. We just burned it all. And watched it burn. It let off heat, which was nice because it was drizzling at the beach. Holly was with Travis; Ben, Erin and Jin were kind of walking around; Cailey and I sat on the sand. We just watched it.
After awhile Travis took Cailey to go have a talk. So I left the group and walked down to the shore. It was dark out, so all I could see was where the frequent moonbeams would hit the water, and lights of Harbor Springs across the bay. It was beautiful.
And there I cried.
I miss Melissa. I miss her so much.
Last Halloween wasn't so great. Melissa surprised me by coming to say goodbye to me one more time before she left for Minnesota. I had completely forgotten it was Halloween. We were driving her mom's jeep downtown, and we saw all of the trick-or-treaters. We were both very surprised. It just slipped our minds. We went to Horizon Book to get one more iced coffee. Then we walked. We were going to Roast & Toast for one more Toast & Jam session... but we ran into Nikki and Lachelle. So we didn't really do that. Instead I saw with Melissa and Nikki while they had a cigarette on the balcony outside Roast & Toast. And Nikki talked to Melissa about how she'd go crazy at Teen Challenge if it were her, because there would be no guys or cigarette opportunities.
Funny how it was raining on Halloween last year too.
I don't know how long I stood out there on the rocks along the shoreline. After Cailey and Travis got back from their talk, Cailey came out and stood with me. Erin lost her cell phone so everyone else was looking for it. But Cailey and I just stood out there. I don't really know what I was looking at. I was just staring out there. Thinking. About despite the presence of my closest friends right now, I feel so unbelievably lonely. And I can't help it. I'm trying not to... but then I see Holly and Travis. And Cailey and Ben. And I just feel lonely.
Cailey and I stood out there for goodness knows how long. Ben came out to join us. He put an arm around each of us and told us that he wasn't fitting in with us because our hair is black and his hair is blonde. We laughed. I love Ben. He always has a way to make people feel better. When Cailey went to help look for the phone, Ben gave me a big hug.
After we dropped Erin off, Cailey, Holly and I went back to my house. We watched House of Wax. We all loved Chad Michael Murray in it. During one part where he and the girl are just standing there when the wax is melting all over the place and everything, Holly yelled out, "Don't just look there, stand!... Wait! I mean... What!? RUN!" It was so funny. We couldn't stop laughing. We loved the movie. I had seen it before. But the three of us were all scrunched together and kept screeching out of surprise at each part. It was fun. To top it all off, Helena was the ending credits song, which made us happy!!! We fell asleep around 5:00 in the morning... then woke up to go to McCune at 7:30. We were tired. It was funny.
Today was okay. Well, not really. It kind of sucked. I don't really remember much of it actually. What I do know is that some people are so horrible. And one of these days I swear I'm going to explode at them. I was in the make-up room helping with make-up and hair, and Kyle and Silas both walked in, looked around the room, saw me and Kyle said, "Eveyone in here sucks. Lets go." They make me so mad. Like I said, I'm getting a little hate club going. I swear I'm going to blow up at one of them tomorrow... it's not going to be the best day for me tomorrow....
Melissa will have been gone a year. Everyone rolls their eyes when I talk about her. They groan or moan. Cailey listens. Holly listens. They both listen. Everyone else groans. But no one fucking understands. Melissa saved my fucking life. She stopped me from committing suicide that one night last year in September... I don't know how many of you remember that. Some of you might... others might not. I had my suicide letter written. I had it all planned out. I knew exactly what I was going to do. But she stopped me. She saved my life.
She's the first person who person accepted me for who I am. And not cared about my faults.
She listened to me.
She understood me.
She took the time for me.
She made me feel important.
Like I was worth someone.
When someone like that is taken from you, you're fucking lost. And I still am... even after a year.
I swear if someone messes with me tomorrow, I'll kill them. I swear I will. It will not be the day to fucking mess with me. I might just explode... I don't want to, but I'm afraid that I will...
I saw under the lighting booth by the ladder most of the morning. Ben came over and sat with me. You know what he said? He sat down next to me, looked straight ahead to where I was looking and said, "Are you okay? Because it just feels like something's wrong. You don't have to talk about it. But if you want to, I'm right here. Until then, I'll just sit with you. You can keep on staring off if it helps." And that was it. That's all he said. I said thank you. And he did exactly that. He just sat with me. And that was all I needed. To know that someone was there. Shawn came and joined us after a little bit. And Shawn and Ben together always make you laugh... so I felt better. A bit. But at least that's something.
Jordan came up with a new name for Cailey, Holly and I. The Sorrow Girls. We love it.
Erin, Holly and I all fell asleep during the afternoon rehearsal. I fell asleep on Cailey's shoulder while she took notes for costuming. Erin fell asleep on my shoulder. Holly fell asleep on Erin's shoulder.
There's only one good scene in the play. And it's the last scene.
It's really funny to listen to the guys complain about wearing makeup and getting their hair done. Because all of us girls keep telling them they look hot in the makeup. Which they do. They just don't like to listen to us.
I hate people right now. Except for a select few. It's not cool. I don't like this feeling.
I told Josh to be warned that I was going to take tylenol when I got home from school, since I'm on drug probation with him... but I never ended up taking it. My headache is beyond tylenol repair. Whatever. It doesn't matter.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
~ Goo Goo Dolls; Iris
I honestly don't think they understand,
.: Julie Bean :.