My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter....
I don't know which was worse. Yesterday or today.
I thought everything was going to be alright. I thought things were going to be okay. Or at least be a little better.
I went into school yesterday morning. Josh and Amber were fine with me. But then... come 3rd hour... physics... they just started whispering... and talking about it... I had to get out of there. I threw up twice in the bathroom. Then I called my mom. Told her I needed to leave. And I did. Holly and Cailey did too. We just had to get the fuck out of there. Everyone was blaming us. And we didn't even say anything... no one understands that. We didn't start the rumor. We didn't even say anything about what went on in the office. It was Katie who was running around saying to everyone, "Watch out! Mr. Pugh is molesting people!" And it got so bad through the rumor mill, that when Mr. Jankens pulled us into his office yesterday morning, he told us people had been coming up to him saying, "Did Mr. Pugh rape someone?" He didn't rape anyone! He didn't molest anyone! He didn't do anything of the sort. All he did was say something and hit Erin playfully in a way that made her feel uncomfortable. That's it. End of story. That's all that happened. She was uncomfortable, so Cailey and I went with her to tell Mr. Jankens. We didn't even say anything. We stood there for moral support. That's all. Whether I believe it happened or not didn't... and doesn't... matter. I just wanted to help her. By helping her... I've screwed up majorly.
And here's the best part about it... Erin's mother told Mr. Jankens that it was my, Holly and Cailey's fault that Erin said that... she said Erin made it up... and that we made her do it... that it's all our fault...
Small, simple, safe price. Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
I called my mom. Holly and Cailey called their mom. We all got permission to get the fuck out of there. And we did. Not before I had a billion people coming up to me and asking me if I was alright... Jim came over and gave me a huge hug and said, "There's only one other time I've seen you like this. And that was the beginning of last year. And I hate it."
Me too, Jim. Me too.
Of course Josh happened to be walking by at that time. I'm not begging for sympathy... I promise. I just want people to leave me alone.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals. And I am not afraid to die.
I screamed and cried on the way to my house. Showed Holly and Cailey my cuts. My punishment on myself. For fucking everything up like I always do. There are over forty now... on the underside of my wrist...
We got to my house. Sat on the couch for over an hour and a half. Kind of in disbelief. Katie and Erin both called. Erin went home too.
The Conners and I fell asleep on the floor by the computer until my dad called. He wanted us to go and pick up Jeremy from school. I said yes before I realized that actually meant going back to school. To where we left. To where everyone fucking hates us... to where Mr. Jankens talked to the whole high school after we left....
We went inside. We went to Mr. Jankens' office. We asked to talk to Mr. Pugh. And he came into the office. And I started speaking. I said we're so sorry this all errupted like it did. We never meant for it to happen. We didn't say anything. We didn't start the rumors. We don't know how they were started... even though we know who started them... we told Mrs. Scott that... but then I told him how much respect I have for him. Because I have lots. I really do. I love Mr. Pugh. I think he's great... and then I just told him again how sorry I am. He said thank you. And then I gave him a hug. And then we left.
We're on good terms with Mr. Pugh. He's not mad at us. He understands we didn't do anything. It was so relieving.
We went back to the Conners'. We felt fine then. Listened to My Chemical Romance. We felt great. Then I went home. And things went back downhill.
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight. I want the pain of payment. What's left but a section of pigmy size cuts? Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Many people didn't talk to me today. Or look at me. Amber wouldn't look at me. At least until 2nd hour. But she didn't talk to me. Josh would look at me or talk to me.
That made the AP history discussion hell. My eyes teared up for much of it...
Physics was terrible too. I had my headphones on the whole time. Still sat at the same table as Josh and Amber. Except neither of them sat next to me. Or even across from me. They sat down towards the end of the table. Emily sat across from me...
I cut during physics. Or at least I wanted to. I went to my locker to get a safety pin off of my bag. That's when I realized I left it in the car this morning. I went mad.... went? No... am... but anyway... I went on a frantic search for something sharp. I searched the hallway floors for a dropped safety pin... anything. That's when I saw paper clips on this little fifth graders folder. I took one. I actually took a fucking safety pin off of a fucking fifth graders folder. And I went back to physics. And I sat there. Scratching at my hand. It didn't do anything. Just make my skin raw. Which is probably better than an actual cut. Because I need to stop.
That's when I took the first three Advil.
An hour later came three Motrin.
And then two Ibuprofen after 5th hour. And then two Tylenol during last hour.
Ten pain relievers within five hours.
But do you think they helped? No.
Pain relievers are bullshit. They don't help the pain at all... That's false advertisement.... and aside from the heartache pain, my headache still hasn't gone away...
Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand fucks? And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid? To fill and spill over and under my thoughts... my sad, sorry selfish cry out to the cutter
I fell asleep during theatre today.
Someone told me I looked dead today.
Shawn told me I looked like I was having the most bright and sunny day ever.
Emily told me I looked sad.
Morgan asked if I was alright.
Jin asked me if I was okay.
Ben tried to make me laugh.
Little Zoie asked me why I looked so sad.
Mr. Case told me I looked like something the cat dragged in.
Simone told me she's here if I need someone to talk to.
And still Josh and Amber wouldn't look at me.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart. Love is not like anything. Especially a fucking knife.
I did laugh. I really did. I have a horrible cough right now, so Mr. Pugh told me to go home and rest instead of staying for Cantantes. I was walking out to my car. Ben was parked right next to me.
He told me I'd better smile. Or else. He tickled me until I laughed.
If one more person asks me if I'm okay, I'm swear I'm going to lift up my sleeve and show them my slashed wrist. And ask them if they think ten pain relievers is enough to actually make the pain go away, or do they think I should take more...
Ms. Jania told me I looked like I needed rest. Probably because I didn't sleep last night. I missed the dance company picture for the newspaper yesterday. Of course.
My whole body is sore. I'm aching everywhere... not to mention my stupid heart.
I'm updating this. It's 10:48 p.m. I'm so fucking cold. My teeth are chattering. And my body is shaking. It's 68 degrees upstairs in my house. My chest hurts. I keep coughing. My hands are frozen and numb. My joints ache. My whole body aches. I feel nauseous.
I fell asleep with my window open after I got out of the shower last night... wet hair. 30 some odd degree temperature. Maybe I caught pneumonia. Anyone know the symptoms?
Who cares.
The best thing about this whole situation?
Yesterday was a year ago that Melissa was arrested and taken away...
Look at me, can you tell,
By the way I move and do my hair?
Do you think that it's me, or is it not me?
I don't even care
I'm alive, I don't smell
I'm the cleanest I have ever been
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry
Dry
Just look at me, look at me now
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake
Just look at me, look at me now
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake
Do I drink? Do I date?
I've got perfect placements, all my ink
Satisfied in your eyes
I'm the biggest fan that I've got right now
I made sure that I look how I wanted to look
The people around me, the people surround me
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry
Dry
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake
My stomach hurts now, and all tied off in lace
I pray, I beg, for anything to hit me in the face
And this sickness isn't me
I pray to fall from grace
The last thing I see is feeling
And I'm telling you I'm a fake
And I'm telling you I'm a fake
And I'm telling you I'm a fake
And I'm telling you I'm a fake
And I'm telling you I'm a fake
Just look at me, look at me now
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake
Just look at me, look at me now
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake
Just look at me, look at me now
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake
Just look at me, look at me now
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake
~ The Used; I'm A Fake
I'm a fucking fake.
.: Not worth your fucking time :.