Nothing.
Mybrokenmind
I feel dumb.
(I'm going to tell you right now, this is just an exercise in verbal and mental masturbation. An attempt to organize my mind. No need to read ahead!)
Do you know why I feel dumb?
Because I am always happy, I am happy when I shouldn't be happy and to the detriment of me solving my dang problems.
I am so happy, it is hard for me to conceive entirely that I have any problems at all even when they get to nearly making my mind crumble, and even while my mind is crumbling, I'm happy to be learning whatever it may be I will learn after the unpleasantries... and with this comes guilt of not feeling bad or doing more in the world and worries regarding my great privillege.
and when I do feel bad, I feel worse because I am not used to it and because I have no reason to be upset in the grand scheme of things.
...you know what else makes me feel guilty and stupid?
Complaining about being HAPPY.
Who does that?
So here I am, difficulties focusing on school, I have a strange unconditionally-loving relationship with the most beautiful man in the world, I have the most beautiful friends, a blessed family, I am pretty much Happy as heck, with too many options of my future open to me.
Who complains about having too many options?
I have the most uplifting, inspiring and supportive community around me (Last night I went to one of the best parties of my life, with dancing and singing and an absurd number of friends and many soon-to-be-made friends. Later discribed as a "rightreous assortment of human beings.") and yet I feel like there is something missing.
I am full of dichotomies.
I think I am a great woman, but I also think I am a waste of potential of space somtimes, I think I'm mediocre at everything and good at nothing. I think I am liked and loved, but I am sometimes suspicious that this love is on false pretenses... It's like my music, I dont like people liking me in part for my music because it feels like a lie or a misrepresentation.
Community means the most to me, but where do I belong? If I feel unchallenged here or stagnant, should I run amok to become a better individual? To better appreciate my state in life? (Doesn't that seems strange? especially when I do desire to come back to help make Halifax the best community possible?) Why do I feel stagnant? Because I dont challenge myself.. It all comes down to me, and I dont know where I am at.
It's strange to feel like you are floating around like a baloon without deceifering your voyage, it is not neccisarily the most fulfilling or neurosisless excursion, but "if you don't know where you're going, any road can take you there" so I can't close any options.
...see why I feel stupid?
I am awaiting my future and not grabbing The Now by the balls. but I am so unmotivated to do so!School is arbitrary and jumping through hoops largely and I am frustrated with it, when there is a lovely life in every person I meet why must I learn outside of the locas of people.?
Don't wait for life to start, eh?
I remembered amidst the copious hugs and love and singing of last night that I am pretty great (sometimes even to strangers!) and I realized I had been forgetting to know that for a long while and even making excuses for my sucess... I started feeling like all of my luck was a superficial fluke, of which I was undiserving.When did I get low self-esteem? When did I stop knowing what I wanted? When did I stop being assertive and doing what I wanted in life and what came naturally?... I think this is how I am naturally right now. I think I have started over-analyzing what is natural and okay...
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So, I love Kyle still bu what the heck is that? Is it like I'm addicted? Knowing/thinking I should stop but going back to see the dealer?. BUt what the fuck am I supposed to do? I am happy where I am but I am torn and it makes me a much less balanced individual to have something in my life remain perplexing...
Part of me feels like it is like an addiction, like I am resorting to be infantile forever if I remain with him, or I feel like we shouldn't be together, at least not yet with all of the oddities of the past and the problems they are creating in our current creative futures, and I have no issues imagining myself happy with others or enjoying all that is to be had but we have something which feels much more permanent and meaningful. I worry that all of my years of knowing what I had will haunt my future! I used to laugh a bit at other peoples relationships, because they dont have much fun or they aren't in love... should I give that up?, but then my brain and body don't especially enjoy being without him, and as much as I could sleep with other people, I don't want to at all. and I don't like to do things that don't feel good, I never do that... I live my life enjoyably.
Am I being fairytale? Is it wrong to want to love someone forever? Is it blinding me? Or is he as innocent as I and just confused like I am? We all know he is lovely and means no harm... we're just figuring out how to grow up, yes?
Even if we do stay together, we aren't strong enough to assure monogamy throughout my excursions abroad.. how problematic. Not that I am much jealous myself, clearly the nature of that situation is problematic!
Is it really a challenge to learn to let go? Or is it a challenge to the greatness of our adorations for each other?
I really just want to go be let loose for a while and for us to see if as further adults we are still meant to be together. Doesn't that seem stupid and arbitrary and subsequently fruitless though?
Also... didn't we just try that???? Jesus!
strange...
I feel as though my mind is on hiatus, like I've been living in a dream trying to figure my life out. Sometimes the peices of the puzzle float closely together like they're about to come into place, but the clarity seems so fleeting and so perpetually grey!
I always know what to do... now both my heart and mind are confused.
I need to get shooken up so I can find the ground, eh?
I hate when I wish for that, because I always get what I want...
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I'veI've allowed myself to develop poor habits and know something big and new is coming: my roots are tentative. That is a hard way for a woman like me to live. But I will be stronger nonetheless...
And absurdly happy too, it seems.
I suppose its not a bad thing, eh?
Thanks for blessing every day of my life.
Help me figure out my mind, okay?
Who the heck am I to you, anyway?
Where am I supposed to go?
Perhaps I should write, and start a commune on the profits? I could be like Neon Rider!
Maybe I could travel teaching for Art Of Living and reform schools outside of the school board?
Or I could be a legal kid, and start organizing things?
Maybe I could be a musician, but then sometimes I don't feel like making or sharing my music?
...man, it's like a make-your-own-adventure book!
I'm excited!
and bored with possibilities.
Help me figure it all out. Or say something nice to me, that'd be fine too :)
Phew.
I just had to speel. Off to Cuban Civiculture papers.....
I can't beleive I'm having anouther "What does it all mean?!?" phase.
Thanks for the eyes and ears,
Love,
Julia.