(no subject)
I've come to realize I don't know how to be in relationship. Every relationship I have I get around the six month mark and realize they are not exactly who I want them to be. This one has been different. But only how I feel about him. I'm crazy about him, which is probably also why I'm most disappointed than any other. If this doesn't work I have nothing to fall back on. This isn't college anymore. I don't have a million friends to hang out with. I don't have any friends. It's just him and I. I feel like i've sacrificed so much to be with him. I have. I got another job 30 minutes away to be with him. That amongst many other things I've given up makes me wonder if it's really worth it. He's made me a better person and I like who I am when I'm with him. For the most part. But even though I've grown out of my youthful college days I still want to go out once in a blue moon and do something besides sit and home and watch a movie and take 2 hours decides on what to do or what to eat and then give up don't do anything. When we do go out I feel like he is only going because I or someone else wants to go and is dragging him. I want to do something that he wants to do. And not watching a movie, or spending two hours petting his cats. I want to know his biggest most deepest desire and I want to do it with him. I want him to tell me something. Tell me what he feels. Because I honestly have never heard him tell me how he feels, besides that he has a headache or back pains. He's never even told me how he feels about us, about me. He's never said anything nice about me, not that he says not nice things about me. But I don't feel special. I don't even feel liked. Sometimes I think the age difference is a problem even though I no it shouldn't be. And even though I feel like there are so many problems in this relationship I have never wanted to try to fix them in a relationship until now. I want to talk to him but I don't know how. I was never good at communication. I want to tell him how I feel and I want him to want to fix it.