Loving and defiant
My six year old or me?
RANT ENSUES:
I'm enraged and jealous and feel totally left behind. I can't shake it even though I know there are better things to do and ways to feel, I'm just livid. Hubby has been emotionally reserved for years and chooses to open the flood gates with a mutual friend...for hours....in the park....in the middle of the night. Hubby has a band that needs tending. Has to spend the night....in Madison....with his female bandmates. Here's the funny thing. I'm not worried about that in the way that most people would be. However, I'm totally P.O.'d and jealous because in each case (park and band mates) these are friends of mine too. Friends I desparately need and feel little to no connection that with, despite my deep need. In the first case, I feel vaguely betrayed by our mutual friend, who probably knew just enough about how things are going btw hubby and I (given new baby etc) to know that 3 am drunken return of hubby would not play well. And yet. And now she knows way more than I'm particularly comfortable with her knowing considering what she knows doesn't come from me and is likely in large part about hubby's trials and tribulations with me. grrrr.
I've been little by little trying to take things off my plate. And I still feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like my efforts to simplify and reconnect with hubby including the time I spend with a therapist is like climbing a mountain feet first when with each reduction, hubby makes his life more complicated and our ability to reconnect in a meaningful way less likely. I don't know about him, but when I have to stay up until midnight to have any manner of conversation with him and then have to get up in only a few short hours....it's devastating to my well-being.
I feel like giving up. Giving up on trying to maintain my valuable friendships with people who he all too readily has an easier time connecting with and spending time with. Time that I want to spend with him. Time that if I can't spend with him, I want to spend with one of the 3 people he spends his time with. Have I really become so unavailable? And - what's the incentive for me to be available. Perhaps a feeling besides bleek resignation? Heck - I can't even post to LJ and feel like I'm not somehow airing dirty laundry and exposing him to undue embarrassment. I have no confidants. I have nothing I can count on as reliable and consistant.
RANT ENSUES:
I'm enraged and jealous and feel totally left behind. I can't shake it even though I know there are better things to do and ways to feel, I'm just livid. Hubby has been emotionally reserved for years and chooses to open the flood gates with a mutual friend...for hours....in the park....in the middle of the night. Hubby has a band that needs tending. Has to spend the night....in Madison....with his female bandmates. Here's the funny thing. I'm not worried about that in the way that most people would be. However, I'm totally P.O.'d and jealous because in each case (park and band mates) these are friends of mine too. Friends I desparately need and feel little to no connection that with, despite my deep need. In the first case, I feel vaguely betrayed by our mutual friend, who probably knew just enough about how things are going btw hubby and I (given new baby etc) to know that 3 am drunken return of hubby would not play well. And yet. And now she knows way more than I'm particularly comfortable with her knowing considering what she knows doesn't come from me and is likely in large part about hubby's trials and tribulations with me. grrrr.
I've been little by little trying to take things off my plate. And I still feel completely overwhelmed. I feel like my efforts to simplify and reconnect with hubby including the time I spend with a therapist is like climbing a mountain feet first when with each reduction, hubby makes his life more complicated and our ability to reconnect in a meaningful way less likely. I don't know about him, but when I have to stay up until midnight to have any manner of conversation with him and then have to get up in only a few short hours....it's devastating to my well-being.
I feel like giving up. Giving up on trying to maintain my valuable friendships with people who he all too readily has an easier time connecting with and spending time with. Time that I want to spend with him. Time that if I can't spend with him, I want to spend with one of the 3 people he spends his time with. Have I really become so unavailable? And - what's the incentive for me to be available. Perhaps a feeling besides bleek resignation? Heck - I can't even post to LJ and feel like I'm not somehow airing dirty laundry and exposing him to undue embarrassment. I have no confidants. I have nothing I can count on as reliable and consistant.