just looking over old writings....first wrote on dec. 28th, 2002
"fucked up"
why is this so fucked up?
does this have to exist?
do you even feel it.
i dont know, but thats why im pissed.
are these my real feelings?
they are my dreams.
they are so fucked up,
and nothing what it seems.
i know i love you,
when i look you in the eye.
you say you feel the same,
but to me its just a lie.
sometimes you act,
like you attached to me.
then someimes you change,
change you mind and flee.
i feel this like nothing else.
id make this my only occupation.
i know why i say this,
because love is in circulation.
you make me feel high.
you make me fee low.
should i continue on?
or should i just go?
twist, crush, explode, implode, spalt, squash,
rip, tear, cut, crumble, bend.
you forced my heart to do these things.
why did you have to make it end?
i should have charished every minute,
because it went to fast.
memories that are stuck.
memories that are passed.
why did i do that?
it seemed so right.
but i feel so stupid,
and that i just cant fight.
in you this is distant.
in me this exists.
something like this,
how can you possibly resist?
did you honestly have to,
have to kill and crumble?
i now dont know what i feel
and continue to stumble.
"a fight i am destined to lose" (Ra "violator")
cant do anything but sit and watch TV.
the feelings i am writing,
and the love you cant not see.
i doesnt matter what i do.
althought i continue to try.
nothing gets through,
and you continue to deny.
when i see you,
i never know what ill find.
but you decide to lock the door,
and leave me behind.
i wish you wanted me back.
wish you would call my name.
wish you didnt leave.
wish you could feel my pain.
my heart is nothing.
could not fill a small cup.
i am now crying,
and its so fucked up...
why is this so fucked up?
does this have to exist?
do you even feel it.
i dont know, but thats why im pissed.
are these my real feelings?
they are my dreams.
they are so fucked up,
and nothing what it seems.
i know i love you,
when i look you in the eye.
you say you feel the same,
but to me its just a lie.
sometimes you act,
like you attached to me.
then someimes you change,
change you mind and flee.
i feel this like nothing else.
id make this my only occupation.
i know why i say this,
because love is in circulation.
you make me feel high.
you make me fee low.
should i continue on?
or should i just go?
twist, crush, explode, implode, spalt, squash,
rip, tear, cut, crumble, bend.
you forced my heart to do these things.
why did you have to make it end?
i should have charished every minute,
because it went to fast.
memories that are stuck.
memories that are passed.
why did i do that?
it seemed so right.
but i feel so stupid,
and that i just cant fight.
in you this is distant.
in me this exists.
something like this,
how can you possibly resist?
did you honestly have to,
have to kill and crumble?
i now dont know what i feel
and continue to stumble.
"a fight i am destined to lose" (Ra "violator")
cant do anything but sit and watch TV.
the feelings i am writing,
and the love you cant not see.
i doesnt matter what i do.
althought i continue to try.
nothing gets through,
and you continue to deny.
when i see you,
i never know what ill find.
but you decide to lock the door,
and leave me behind.
i wish you wanted me back.
wish you would call my name.
wish you didnt leave.
wish you could feel my pain.
my heart is nothing.
could not fill a small cup.
i am now crying,
and its so fucked up...