Michael Jackson, Along With Other Thoughts
I know I know, everybody is talking about it but I'm not usually one to dwell on the untimely death of a star. To be honest, it makes me almost nauseous how highly publicized a famous person's death is, how publicly mourned it is, when people die everywhere, all the time. Children slaughtered in their beds, semi's plowing down innocent pedestrians and then driving away like nothing happen, blood still dripping from the bumper. These tragedies are on the news for a day or two, if that yet a star dies and we are never allowed to forget. I completely understand that he was a huge icon, changing our musical culture for ever and impacting the arts for eternity and all that. He deserves to be idolized and remembered and blah blah blah, it still just makes me a little sick. But that's not even what i wanted to talk about hahah, I always stray, don't I?
Anyways, when I heard he died I was a little more shocked than I expected to be. I mean, for some reason, when a famous or infamous person passes away it always shocks me and everytime, it shocks me that it shocks me hahah. I mean, I deal with death all the time, my father was fucking murdered for Christ sake. My boyfriend is an EMT, as will I come December. I'm used to death. It's just the famous/infamous always seem to have this air of invincibility (or is it invisibility, blast, it's one of them, you get my point), and when they die it seems like it never should have happened. Like, I really don't know how to explain it. I mean these people are legends and they are followed and stalked and idolized or hated or whatever, and then they just die. Boom. Gone. No more earth shattering music, no more books, no more interviews, no more pictures, etc. It just seems crazy to me.
I guess death always shocks me, and instead of mourning it I just stay in that state of open-mouthed, round-eyed shock. I mean, it's almost been a year since my daddy died and I have yet to accept it. I haven't fully mourned his death or him, I haven't recieved any closure, I still pretend like he's alive and it's so unhealthy. I need to see someone about that because one day it's all going to come crashing down upon me and I am just going to flatten and that will be what gets me committed, I know it for a fact. Shit happens right? I just wish I had mourned his deah when it first happened, then it would have been NORMAL to be crying day in and day out for weeks on end, now it will just make me look fucking dumb. "Her dad died a year ago, and yet she is still a blabbering fuck, damn, pathetic isn't it?" This is honestly the only circumstance where I give a shit about what people think about me and I don't know why. I guess I'm kind of afraid of admitting this weakens me, and if other people see that it does then I have to admit it, right?
Someone tell me how this became an entry about my dad please, we were talking about MJ, what the fuck dude. Changing Subject Now. I had a lot of fun last night, went to the bar, the boyfriend met me there, danced with some really fun gay guys seeing as it was gay night, flirted with some girls. All good fun. Drank all night for six bucks, but didn't get shit faced mind you, I stayed at a happy tipsy seeing as I only took three shots (two jolly ranchers and one red headed slut) and the rest of the night I was drinking Midori Sours, somewhat baby sitting them. I had a lot of fun though, it was just a fun weekday thing to do.
This summer is too boring for me, last summer I was out everynight and this summer there is NOTHING to do. Everyone sucks. I think it's because Dunkin' Donuts is no longer "poppin'" because of the cops so now everyone chills at people's houses and not in a parking lot where you just show up and there's people, whether your invited or not.
I wish my boyfriend would message me back, I like to be constantly in touch with him which is realllly realllly bad, I know, you don't have to tell me twice but it's true. He doesn't realize it yet, but I'm one of those psycho girls, I've just been trying to keep the psycho in check and it's been working so far. I don't know why, but cheating wise, trust came really easily to me in regards of him which is RARE. I mean he flirts but I couldn't see him ever cheating on me. I hate it when he flirts though because it makes me look like a fool for not doing anything about it but usually I, personally, don't mind because flirting is innocent and I know nothing will come of it so say what you want girls, I will always be better than you and he will always be going to bed with me. So hah.
It's just hard to trust him drug wise, I never know when he's going to do them or what and if I don't ask, he won't tell me unless it comes up in conversation. Just like where he goes, he isn't always telling me where he goes which I like when my boyfriend does. Maybe that will change though. Along with the holding hands thing. He never wants to hold hands with me in public. Last night he did something that made me sooo happy though, something simple. We were sleeping and I half woken because he moved and he rolled over to cuddle with me and reached up and held my hand and I thought it was sooo sweet. It made me smile <3. I know, I'm ridiculous, but I loved it.
Okay, I've already made this entry much longer than originally planned, I guess I had a lot more on my mind than I thought heheh. Have a goodnight guys.