Feeling Better...
I ended up getting ten bucks from my grandparents for graduation so me and the boyfriend and James and Ray went to see Transformers 2 tonight and, WOW, it was fucking sick. If I had thought of it, I would have brought my notebook and written a film review and submitted it tonight to get it into the paper but I'm not that smart. That and I probably wouldn't have enjoyed the actual film as much if I was concentrating on taking notes so maybe the next film we go see but I'm definitely glad he dragged me out. I just wish I got to go home with him tonight, I don't even feel like sleeping. That is really weird for me seeing as sleep is my all time favorite thing to do on the face of the planet. I've been acting really weird lately, I don't like it. I know I'll end up passing out in the middle of a Dexter episode though so it's all good.
It's been getting more difficult to sit for long periods of time, by about thirty minutes into Transformers, I started having to readjust a lot and by the end, I was in a catacomb of pain from the waist down. I really need to get my joints checked out, if only my mother would get her act together and help me find a doctor. I'm not too great at doing that, especially seeing as I'm petrified of going. Despite the piercings and tattoos, I HATE needles that remove bodily fluids from me, especially getting my blood taken. That's the worst.
I love to sleep next to him, it's bad, I'm beginning to feel weird sleeping alone again. Ever since I lived with Tommy, I awaken in the middle of the night expecting to see someone next to me. It never stopped, and now that I have been awakening to someone next to me, it's getting even more intense when I'm alone. It's just so awesome to be able to wake up because of a nightmare or leg pain and being able to roll over and see someone there with you, to be able to move closer to them and feel them contour to your movement. I love it, it's like a weird art form. I don't know what I'm talking about hahah.
I remember, when I was still dating Rob, one night Jeff was talking to just the people in the room (I was, obviously, one of those people) about how the other night all he wanted to do was sleep next to someone, not even have sex, just sleep next to someone and I wanted to say, so bad, "I know how you feel" and didn't because of Rob. I don't know why but that memory is just stuck there. I think it was one of our first connections, whether he knew it or not. I'm happy with him, honest, I'm not saying it just to convince myself either. I really am. I hope this is not temporary.
Oh wow, I can't believe I forgot to say this. He told me he loved me, and not just because he was drunk. He said, "I love you" and I said, "No you don't" and he looked me in the eyes and said, "Yes I do, you're one of the very few girls I think I may actually have the capability of loving and that's something right there so I can say it, I love you" and my heart melted a little but, like always, I was on guard and said, "We'll see if you say it tomorrow morning, and, well, the next morning when we woke up he said it again. He doesn't say it all the time though, like when we get off the phone or anything like that. Only when we're together and alone or when he's drunk and wants to announce it to the world (hah) but I like it like that, it makes it that more special when he does say it. I think I've only said it back once though. It's not that I don't love him, it's just that... I don't know. It scares me to hear it come out of my mouth, it scares me to say it to him, I don't know if he deserves it yet. I have become convinced that no one deserves my love just because I love so deeply and so purely. It's hard to deserve that kind of love and I've been told this before, so this is not just a creation of my mind. It's the cold, hard truth. I hope he proves me wrong though, it would be one of the best things that he could do, honestly.
Well, I am off to watch more Dexter and relax and wish he was next to me... I wonder if James actually reads this, I sent him the link. He is one of the very very few people that I actually know face to face and see on a regular basis that I would trust with this link, and he should take full advantage of that. He get's to see some stuff I think that I would tell no one that I see on a daily basis. I think that's somewhat impressive, don't you? Goodnight.