what it is
It's how you're a different person after X amount of alcohol.
It's the fact that you think it's what beverage contains the alcohol and not HOW MUCH alcohol that makes the difference.
It's how you're not now, and never once have been proactive about anything to do with the wedding.
It's how you have jeopardized our wedding by not thinking ahead, and after realizing it, you continue to do the same thing, over and over.
It's the way you can completely insult me, and when I point it out you immediately, without a 2nd thought, defend yourself as if you're being attacked instead of immediately apologizing. (I never said you did it on purpose- if I thought you did it on purpose then you wouldn't be a person I could love, so that is not the issue. It's like stepping on someone's foot- you don't tell them why it's not your fault, you just fucking say "Oh shit, sorry! My bad!" and sound like you mean it. That shouldn't be so hard to understand. You aren't being attacked so you don't need to defend yourself.)
It's the way you don't take me seriously unless I get mad.
It's the fact that when you promise me something, it pretty much means that what you're saying is meaningless, because you break your promises so often.
It's the fact that our most earnest and intense conversations are about computers, games or beer.
It's the fact that our conversations about anything emotional or to do with our relationship are actually never, that I can remember, a real conversation, and rather a fight.
It's the fact that getting you to follow through with anything other than your main interests is a huge chore. If it's not computer, game, shroom or beer related, you're not interested.
It's the fact that I can almost never count on you to do things I ask you to do- the cat box, the ring resizing, making a phone call to find something out, remembering to request a day off, even just getting me a drink- and yet, when I remind you about something and you did happen to remember it, you get completely irritated as if I'm breathing down your neck and have no reason to think you might have forgotten.
It's the fact that you tell me I'm not fun when I'm trying to get you to be serious about a serious subject.
It's the fact that I can't be serious without you thinking I'm pissed off. This goes along with you not taking things serious until I get mad.
It's how you have so little patience when I need you to explain something that I don't understand.
It's how you never, ever, EVER apologize or comfort me unless I outright demand it. It's as if apologizing or admitting you did even the smallest thing wrong mean you're giving in completely. It's as if you're scared of me "winning."
It's how, every time it happens, you let me go to bed mad. You have never once followed after me. You have never once thought things over on your own and come to me to explain or clarify or apologize or make things right. You will always just let it end as soon as possible.
It's how you have never once defended me - against your parents, against Ford......
It's how I have more things to write but I'm tired of crying at work.
It's how you won't take this seriously...
It's how you will first and foremost consider this an attack on you, and not consciously think about or wonder why I might be writing this, or what I'm going through emotionally, or how my heart is breaking.
It's the fact that you have, or will claim to have, no earthly idea how to fix any of this, or how to make me feel loved.
It's the fact that, if and when this is ever resolved, you won't think about any of these things ever again unless I bring them up.
I can't write anymore right now.
It's the fact that you think it's what beverage contains the alcohol and not HOW MUCH alcohol that makes the difference.
It's how you're not now, and never once have been proactive about anything to do with the wedding.
It's how you have jeopardized our wedding by not thinking ahead, and after realizing it, you continue to do the same thing, over and over.
It's the way you can completely insult me, and when I point it out you immediately, without a 2nd thought, defend yourself as if you're being attacked instead of immediately apologizing. (I never said you did it on purpose- if I thought you did it on purpose then you wouldn't be a person I could love, so that is not the issue. It's like stepping on someone's foot- you don't tell them why it's not your fault, you just fucking say "Oh shit, sorry! My bad!" and sound like you mean it. That shouldn't be so hard to understand. You aren't being attacked so you don't need to defend yourself.)
It's the way you don't take me seriously unless I get mad.
It's the fact that when you promise me something, it pretty much means that what you're saying is meaningless, because you break your promises so often.
It's the fact that our most earnest and intense conversations are about computers, games or beer.
It's the fact that our conversations about anything emotional or to do with our relationship are actually never, that I can remember, a real conversation, and rather a fight.
It's the fact that getting you to follow through with anything other than your main interests is a huge chore. If it's not computer, game, shroom or beer related, you're not interested.
It's the fact that I can almost never count on you to do things I ask you to do- the cat box, the ring resizing, making a phone call to find something out, remembering to request a day off, even just getting me a drink- and yet, when I remind you about something and you did happen to remember it, you get completely irritated as if I'm breathing down your neck and have no reason to think you might have forgotten.
It's the fact that you tell me I'm not fun when I'm trying to get you to be serious about a serious subject.
It's the fact that I can't be serious without you thinking I'm pissed off. This goes along with you not taking things serious until I get mad.
It's how you have so little patience when I need you to explain something that I don't understand.
It's how you never, ever, EVER apologize or comfort me unless I outright demand it. It's as if apologizing or admitting you did even the smallest thing wrong mean you're giving in completely. It's as if you're scared of me "winning."
It's how, every time it happens, you let me go to bed mad. You have never once followed after me. You have never once thought things over on your own and come to me to explain or clarify or apologize or make things right. You will always just let it end as soon as possible.
It's how you have never once defended me - against your parents, against Ford......
It's how I have more things to write but I'm tired of crying at work.
It's how you won't take this seriously...
It's how you will first and foremost consider this an attack on you, and not consciously think about or wonder why I might be writing this, or what I'm going through emotionally, or how my heart is breaking.
It's the fact that you have, or will claim to have, no earthly idea how to fix any of this, or how to make me feel loved.
It's the fact that, if and when this is ever resolved, you won't think about any of these things ever again unless I bring them up.
I can't write anymore right now.