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25 days out of the month I am able to ignore it. I don't think about it. Letting it bother me never crosses my mind. Being upset is never even an option that I have to try to avoid. I just don't care. 25 days out of the month, I just don't fucking care. Probably about anything. I don't care if I'm loved, or shown love, or not loved, or shown indifference. For 25 days, everything is fine because there is nothing, and nothing can BE wrong if there's nothing at all.
The rest of the days of the month the opposite is true. Everything matters, everything is there and none of it is right. Everything is wrong and everything that's wrong is a huge deal has been for ages and never gets fixed no matter how many times we've gone over it, no matter how many times you shut down a conversation by giving in as fast and as emotionlessly as possible. Your refusal to deal is almost at the same astronomical level as my indifference in the other 25 days. You just hunker down for 5-7 days in between and say "okay" "okay" "okay" "I will" "I know" "I'm sorry" "I know" "I will" "okay" until I can't stand to hear those fucking words anymore. If I say okay isn't good enough, you say "okay." If I say don't give in, just talk to me like an adult, you say "okay" and when I say SERIOUSLY! you say "I will" and when I say "don't just say okay to make the conversation over you say "okay" and when you can't contribute to this conversation, you don't have to and really you should not and cannot just shut down and do whatever you can to end the conversation, you have to participate, it's not fair to either of us if you just try to get these conversations over with as quickly as possible, you say "I know." You do what is supposed to be every woman's dream- a man who will say anything he thinks I want him to say, a man who will say he will do anything he thinks I want him to do. But you have an amazing talent for thinking you are doing the exact right thing and that thing is the exact wrong thing. At the slightest, and I mean SLIGHTEST, lowest possible level of confrontation you completely shut down. It's amazing. You could be a robot for all I know, it's as if you're literally programmed that way. Maybe you are. When I bring this stuff up, I get the lowest possible level of confrontational attitude possible, yet still you 100% without fail go completely into shutdown mode- extremely short answers agreeing with everything I say and promising away your behavior to the ends of the earth. So much so that it's obviously not even possible. But you say it anyway. And as soon as it's over you breathe, litterally, a huge sigh of relief and then do your very best to never again think about what just happened, what was just said, nothing. You do your best to completely eliminate the entire event from your memory, from your entire consciousness.
It makes you a liar, and you are the most seemingly innocent liar in all of history. It's like you have no fucking idea this is happening. And if that's the case then I am making the biggest mistake of my life. A bigger mistake than letting the devil ride the school bus home with me 10 years ago.
It's ten thousand times worse than someone who would, say, argue with me. Take a stand. Refuse. Yell. Scream. For fuck's sake- ANYTHING that resembled emotion or giving a shit.
You probably think you want what will make me happy, but you don't. What you truly want is to never ever ever talk about anything emotional or that has to do with you- the way you act or come across or the way you feel, especially.
This is torture.
This is beyond the realm of 2nd thoughts. I am on to twentieth thoughts.
And you will most definitely misconcieve this entirely and want to know how you can fix it. Just like when I mention you haven't touched me in a month, 20 minutes later you're trying to touch me with all the charm of a 13-year-old. You think everything is literally that straightforward- she said I haven't touched her in a month, so the sooner I touch her the sooner this will no longer be a problem. You are incapable of seeing the issue any deeper than that. If I am upset that you didn't re-list my bike like I asked you to multiple times, you think that listing my bike right then and there will fix the issue and I will no longer be upset, and the next time you don't re-list my bike will be like the first time the problem ever happened. To you, there is no past. To you, if the conversation about the problem is over, the problem is fixed.
Do you remember when we promised we were never going to be like Sandie and Justin?
We promised that to ourselves, but we never came up with a plan if we ever broke that promise.
We're not even married yet, for fuck's sake.
I don't know whether I should be relieved or exponentially more sad because of that. We haven't even been together 3 years and already we're living out the problems of middle-aged couples.
This is not what I want. And it can't be what you want, because if it is then we definitely cannot be together for one moment longer. You have to want something different. That's the first step. If you don't then just tell me right now. If this is fine with you, fine. Just tell me so we can end it right now, today.
If it's not what you want, then we have a chance. But just saying or just feeling or just knowing that this is not what you want isn't the cure, by any means, and cannot be the end. If this isn't what you want but you're not willing to work for something different, what does it even matter what you want? I completely believe that we can make it happen if we truly want it, but we have to be willing to put in effort. If we're not willing to do that, there's no point. If we're not willing to put more in that just the words we think we want to hear, we need to end it now. This cannot wait. There is nothing more important right now. If something else is more important than we have already made our decision.
What I know for sure in this moment is this: I am willing to be a teacher and a guide, but I am not willing to be a mother. I am not willing to spoon-feed answers and I am not willing to accept canned answers, parrot-repetitions of what I've said read back to me. I have to know your heart and brain are in this and to know that I need proof that they work on their own, without help from me, to process these concepts. I have to know you think about me when I'm not around. I have to know our life together is going to be more than text messaging and watching TV. I have to know when there's a problem that I will not be the only one coming up with solutions, that I will not be the only one putting in an effort, that I will not be the only one thinking about them when we're not talking about them, that I'm not the only one who is invested enough in the relationship to be capable of having a problem in the first place.
I can't go through life fixing problems by pretending they don't exist.
I can't go through life like Sandie and Justin.
The rest of the days of the month the opposite is true. Everything matters, everything is there and none of it is right. Everything is wrong and everything that's wrong is a huge deal has been for ages and never gets fixed no matter how many times we've gone over it, no matter how many times you shut down a conversation by giving in as fast and as emotionlessly as possible. Your refusal to deal is almost at the same astronomical level as my indifference in the other 25 days. You just hunker down for 5-7 days in between and say "okay" "okay" "okay" "I will" "I know" "I'm sorry" "I know" "I will" "okay" until I can't stand to hear those fucking words anymore. If I say okay isn't good enough, you say "okay." If I say don't give in, just talk to me like an adult, you say "okay" and when I say SERIOUSLY! you say "I will" and when I say "don't just say okay to make the conversation over you say "okay" and when you can't contribute to this conversation, you don't have to and really you should not and cannot just shut down and do whatever you can to end the conversation, you have to participate, it's not fair to either of us if you just try to get these conversations over with as quickly as possible, you say "I know." You do what is supposed to be every woman's dream- a man who will say anything he thinks I want him to say, a man who will say he will do anything he thinks I want him to do. But you have an amazing talent for thinking you are doing the exact right thing and that thing is the exact wrong thing. At the slightest, and I mean SLIGHTEST, lowest possible level of confrontation you completely shut down. It's amazing. You could be a robot for all I know, it's as if you're literally programmed that way. Maybe you are. When I bring this stuff up, I get the lowest possible level of confrontational attitude possible, yet still you 100% without fail go completely into shutdown mode- extremely short answers agreeing with everything I say and promising away your behavior to the ends of the earth. So much so that it's obviously not even possible. But you say it anyway. And as soon as it's over you breathe, litterally, a huge sigh of relief and then do your very best to never again think about what just happened, what was just said, nothing. You do your best to completely eliminate the entire event from your memory, from your entire consciousness.
It makes you a liar, and you are the most seemingly innocent liar in all of history. It's like you have no fucking idea this is happening. And if that's the case then I am making the biggest mistake of my life. A bigger mistake than letting the devil ride the school bus home with me 10 years ago.
It's ten thousand times worse than someone who would, say, argue with me. Take a stand. Refuse. Yell. Scream. For fuck's sake- ANYTHING that resembled emotion or giving a shit.
You probably think you want what will make me happy, but you don't. What you truly want is to never ever ever talk about anything emotional or that has to do with you- the way you act or come across or the way you feel, especially.
This is torture.
This is beyond the realm of 2nd thoughts. I am on to twentieth thoughts.
And you will most definitely misconcieve this entirely and want to know how you can fix it. Just like when I mention you haven't touched me in a month, 20 minutes later you're trying to touch me with all the charm of a 13-year-old. You think everything is literally that straightforward- she said I haven't touched her in a month, so the sooner I touch her the sooner this will no longer be a problem. You are incapable of seeing the issue any deeper than that. If I am upset that you didn't re-list my bike like I asked you to multiple times, you think that listing my bike right then and there will fix the issue and I will no longer be upset, and the next time you don't re-list my bike will be like the first time the problem ever happened. To you, there is no past. To you, if the conversation about the problem is over, the problem is fixed.
Do you remember when we promised we were never going to be like Sandie and Justin?
We promised that to ourselves, but we never came up with a plan if we ever broke that promise.
We're not even married yet, for fuck's sake.
I don't know whether I should be relieved or exponentially more sad because of that. We haven't even been together 3 years and already we're living out the problems of middle-aged couples.
This is not what I want. And it can't be what you want, because if it is then we definitely cannot be together for one moment longer. You have to want something different. That's the first step. If you don't then just tell me right now. If this is fine with you, fine. Just tell me so we can end it right now, today.
If it's not what you want, then we have a chance. But just saying or just feeling or just knowing that this is not what you want isn't the cure, by any means, and cannot be the end. If this isn't what you want but you're not willing to work for something different, what does it even matter what you want? I completely believe that we can make it happen if we truly want it, but we have to be willing to put in effort. If we're not willing to do that, there's no point. If we're not willing to put more in that just the words we think we want to hear, we need to end it now. This cannot wait. There is nothing more important right now. If something else is more important than we have already made our decision.
What I know for sure in this moment is this: I am willing to be a teacher and a guide, but I am not willing to be a mother. I am not willing to spoon-feed answers and I am not willing to accept canned answers, parrot-repetitions of what I've said read back to me. I have to know your heart and brain are in this and to know that I need proof that they work on their own, without help from me, to process these concepts. I have to know you think about me when I'm not around. I have to know our life together is going to be more than text messaging and watching TV. I have to know when there's a problem that I will not be the only one coming up with solutions, that I will not be the only one putting in an effort, that I will not be the only one thinking about them when we're not talking about them, that I'm not the only one who is invested enough in the relationship to be capable of having a problem in the first place.
I can't go through life fixing problems by pretending they don't exist.
I can't go through life like Sandie and Justin.