one year
I'm out on my balcony today. It's cold...I'd say upper 40s, but the sun is shining and it feels good, so I'm writing outside.
I've been single for a little over a year now. I was just thinking about it today while I was walking Tobey. One year. My life is so completely different in one year. So many changes.
I'm living North Carolina again. So similar to Virginia and yet different. Primative. Less culture. More confederate flags. More KKK signs painted on walls and left, tolerated. Friendlier folks, as long as you're white and good looking. I really can't stay here much longer.
I finished my teaching assignment. That was really the end of college for me. I did some more research after that, but I haven't had a regular schedule since then. Instead it's been theses and papers and thick emotions and isolation. I never thought I'd miss having a regular schedule, but I do now. I've learned that people, no matter how stupid, no matter how entrenched in their own views, have some worth to me. When you lead a primarily solitary existance for days or weeks at a time, little things begin to matter more. A smile, a handshake, or a compliment become more important.
I've lived completely by myself for the first year of my life. I had single dorm rooms in college, but I always had the rest of my college friends to socialize with. No this isolation is different. More like prison I'd suppose. Self imposed solitary confinement. Of course I have my dog, and the internet, and the TV and radio, all that. But going days without seeing another familiar human face...that takes its own special toll. If it weren't for Paul and Mara and the rest of the NC crew, I'm sure I'd be a little crazy by now. I did move here to be close to them after all, and it was a good choice. But they have their own lives and problems. This isn't college and Paul isn't my roommate. He's a husband and father and insurance salesman.
Time passes, and I heal. It's hard to see, not something you can really tell day to day or even month to month. But remembering what I was like that first month after she left, the first two months, the first six months...well, I'm better now than I was then. I cry a lot less. Thinking about the future doesn't seem quite as impossible. I'm not as jealous when I see a happy couple stroll past me hand in hand. And I begin to remember how to play the dating game again.
I had the worst and best sex of my life this year. I learned that I didn't know as much about sex as I thought I did. Partly as a result, my views on sex have changed. I once believed that I'd only have sex with someone I'd want to marry. But marriage seems...unattractive at the moment. And all those girls that I thought I might marry one day, that was just naive of me. I wanted to marry them because I was sleeping with them, not the other way around. And that's foolish. The more I look at the institution of marriage, the more I wonder about it's usefulness outside of successful procreation. But it's impossible to have a real debate on this topic because everyone is so polarized. People who are married want to believe they are doing the right thing, that they haven't wasted a significant portion of their lives in a stale, disfunctional, forced relationship. So they convince themselves it's not the case, and no amount of discussion can pierce their armor. On the other hand there are single people who are convinced they're right, that marriage is on its way out, perhaps even that monogamy is a falsehood created by selfish religious morality. And they are equally convinced of their correctness. So I'm left with no one to discuss this with but Tobey, and he's not a great debater.
I've decided to strengthen my body. Previously my attitude towards exercise was that it was a waste of time as long as my health and quality of life were not in question. So I did not exercise and instead restricted me activities to those of the mind. This lead to my being grossly overwieght. Now, in one year I've shed 35 pounds and begun to strengthen my body. In most ways I'm in the best shape of my life. My new record for distance running is ten miles in a little under 2 hours. I've never had that kind of endurance before. I plan to continue working out as long as possible and continue to gain body strength. While perhaps not as useful today as a smart brain, staying in shape makes me feel good about myself. It also makes it easier to meet girls. :)
Well, that's it I suppose. I wish I knew what the next year has in store. My plan is to finish my degree, then find a job and move. Wouldn't it be something if I moved to a new part ofthe country, someplace I'd never been? Maybe this time next year I'll be typing on a mountainside on an ecological survey project. Or treating AIDS victims in Africa. Or doing lab research in Seatle. One thing is sure though: I will NOT be in Creedmoor then.
Jeff
I've been single for a little over a year now. I was just thinking about it today while I was walking Tobey. One year. My life is so completely different in one year. So many changes.
I'm living North Carolina again. So similar to Virginia and yet different. Primative. Less culture. More confederate flags. More KKK signs painted on walls and left, tolerated. Friendlier folks, as long as you're white and good looking. I really can't stay here much longer.
I finished my teaching assignment. That was really the end of college for me. I did some more research after that, but I haven't had a regular schedule since then. Instead it's been theses and papers and thick emotions and isolation. I never thought I'd miss having a regular schedule, but I do now. I've learned that people, no matter how stupid, no matter how entrenched in their own views, have some worth to me. When you lead a primarily solitary existance for days or weeks at a time, little things begin to matter more. A smile, a handshake, or a compliment become more important.
I've lived completely by myself for the first year of my life. I had single dorm rooms in college, but I always had the rest of my college friends to socialize with. No this isolation is different. More like prison I'd suppose. Self imposed solitary confinement. Of course I have my dog, and the internet, and the TV and radio, all that. But going days without seeing another familiar human face...that takes its own special toll. If it weren't for Paul and Mara and the rest of the NC crew, I'm sure I'd be a little crazy by now. I did move here to be close to them after all, and it was a good choice. But they have their own lives and problems. This isn't college and Paul isn't my roommate. He's a husband and father and insurance salesman.
Time passes, and I heal. It's hard to see, not something you can really tell day to day or even month to month. But remembering what I was like that first month after she left, the first two months, the first six months...well, I'm better now than I was then. I cry a lot less. Thinking about the future doesn't seem quite as impossible. I'm not as jealous when I see a happy couple stroll past me hand in hand. And I begin to remember how to play the dating game again.
I had the worst and best sex of my life this year. I learned that I didn't know as much about sex as I thought I did. Partly as a result, my views on sex have changed. I once believed that I'd only have sex with someone I'd want to marry. But marriage seems...unattractive at the moment. And all those girls that I thought I might marry one day, that was just naive of me. I wanted to marry them because I was sleeping with them, not the other way around. And that's foolish. The more I look at the institution of marriage, the more I wonder about it's usefulness outside of successful procreation. But it's impossible to have a real debate on this topic because everyone is so polarized. People who are married want to believe they are doing the right thing, that they haven't wasted a significant portion of their lives in a stale, disfunctional, forced relationship. So they convince themselves it's not the case, and no amount of discussion can pierce their armor. On the other hand there are single people who are convinced they're right, that marriage is on its way out, perhaps even that monogamy is a falsehood created by selfish religious morality. And they are equally convinced of their correctness. So I'm left with no one to discuss this with but Tobey, and he's not a great debater.
I've decided to strengthen my body. Previously my attitude towards exercise was that it was a waste of time as long as my health and quality of life were not in question. So I did not exercise and instead restricted me activities to those of the mind. This lead to my being grossly overwieght. Now, in one year I've shed 35 pounds and begun to strengthen my body. In most ways I'm in the best shape of my life. My new record for distance running is ten miles in a little under 2 hours. I've never had that kind of endurance before. I plan to continue working out as long as possible and continue to gain body strength. While perhaps not as useful today as a smart brain, staying in shape makes me feel good about myself. It also makes it easier to meet girls. :)
Well, that's it I suppose. I wish I knew what the next year has in store. My plan is to finish my degree, then find a job and move. Wouldn't it be something if I moved to a new part ofthe country, someplace I'd never been? Maybe this time next year I'll be typing on a mountainside on an ecological survey project. Or treating AIDS victims in Africa. Or doing lab research in Seatle. One thing is sure though: I will NOT be in Creedmoor then.
Jeff