Stuck in Drury
My mom was here in Austin at about 12:30 am Friday morning. She left about 11:30am today (Sunday). I managed to get a dinner together so that she could see Nikki as well as meet Kim's brother, his wife, Dawn, and Brian. Dawn and my mom were in close proximity to one another for awhile and I think they actually bumped into each other without the boundaries of reality collapsing, so I can safely check "Dawn is a clone of my mother in a younger state" off of my list of possible apocalyptic worries.
I had a really strange feeling when I watched her and Alex take off to head back to Kansas City today. The first really decent length of time I was away from my family to do whatever was when I went down to a summer camp called Summerscape. I remember seeing mom leave and just having this odd sensation that I had lost my tether to some now-remote world and very honestly I was now operating without a net. Sort've how I imagine deep sea divers might feel once they lose the line to their ship. I guess I said it before, but I just stretch myself out over all of these periods of time so it's hard sometimes to really get a feeling of change and transition. Everything that's happened still feels like it just happened, and everywhere I see myself going feels like it could happen tomorrow. The door could ring and it might be Doug and that wouldn't seem weird to me. I could wake up tomorrow early and strap on my boots and go to school and it would still feel like I was just there. I might end up on the collections call floor, or walking into A to Z comics, or flipping through photo's in MIchelle's room in Springfield, or standing on my balcony at Laws Hall at MU. I could be anywhere, I guess.
I guess that's what makes that feeling so disturbing and weird when it comes so rarely. It was a very acute awareness that no, you aren't going to wake up tomorrow and go hang out with your brothers. No, there is not an L5R tournament you're headed to this weekend. No, you aren't going to have to deal with people at SBC. No, you are in Austin, Texas, and the friends and family you spent over 20 years being around are not going to be right there by some strange accident or simply because you wish it.
Don't get me wrong, it's not homesickness, because it's not accompanied by any intense longing to see these people again beyond the regular "oh wouldn't it be neat if we could..." sort. I guess it's just an amazingly delayed realization, and one that seems to settle on in small bursts. Tomorrow I will get up and my mind will wander off again, and it'll be like I was just there - wherever, whenever, or with whomever I randomly was thinking of - once again.
Emerald green like none I have seen apart from dreams that escape me.
Blue in the stream like none I have seen apart from dreams that escape me.
Violet serene like none I have seen apart from dreams that escape me.
- "Stockton Gala Days"