(no subject)
I hate waiting. I hate waiting on the union to get back to me about my old job, and each day this drags out the more I convince myself I'm not goint to get the damn thing back. If I get that job back then all the waiting was okay and worth it, but if not, then it was just time wasted in a job that drives me absolutely batshit with rage. I tried to cheer myself up by getting more work done on my book and looking at my publishing prospects... and that didn't have the effect I was hoping for. I was telling a friend of mine that maybe I should have just been a fucking doctor or something. That way all the "hey I bet I could do that" assholes are weeded out in school. Right now it's just a little frustrating to think I have to not only come up with a good fucking chunk of text, but I have to go out of my way to make myself stand out against all these people who think that anyone can write well. Worse yet is the creeping feeling that maybe *I* am one of those nameless jackasses actually in out of his depth and ignorant of his position. Someone has to be the statistic, right? Someone has to be one of those "thousands that don't make it" so that the ones that do look even more special, I suppose.
Not that I'm going to give up. No I'm too stubborn for that shit. Just taking a moment to reflect on everything, I guess, and the frustration it brings. I guess it's just more irritating now that I know exactly what I want instead of "not this!" and for whatever reason that big shiney goal keeps getting put on hold one more week or whatever cuz bills have to be paid. Meanwhile I get to drag my ass into collections day after day which just makes me more frustrated and tired so that when I get some time to sit down and try to write nothing but crap comes out that I end up deleting about 75% of and oh okay time to go back to work and then I can maybe try to come home and write some more crap that just pisses me off in turn etc etc etc.
I like to call this whine-fest a a post-thanksgiving hangover from 'good feelings'.
Not that I'm going to give up. No I'm too stubborn for that shit. Just taking a moment to reflect on everything, I guess, and the frustration it brings. I guess it's just more irritating now that I know exactly what I want instead of "not this!" and for whatever reason that big shiney goal keeps getting put on hold one more week or whatever cuz bills have to be paid. Meanwhile I get to drag my ass into collections day after day which just makes me more frustrated and tired so that when I get some time to sit down and try to write nothing but crap comes out that I end up deleting about 75% of and oh okay time to go back to work and then I can maybe try to come home and write some more crap that just pisses me off in turn etc etc etc.
I like to call this whine-fest a a post-thanksgiving hangover from 'good feelings'.