(no subject)
Friday I went to a costume party. I dressed as a pirate, because that's my default costume that can be ready in a jiff at all times. The party was not as on-fiya as I would have hoped. None the less, after everyone else went outside around the fire to roast marshmellows and make smores, Danny and I decided to fight each other. The host moved the furniture out of the way, and it was on. It was fantastic! I haven't fought anyone in MONTHS! Probably about 10. And that is far too long. I knew I wasn't going to win. Danny is a man and is very muscular and does carpentry for a living. But the point wasn't to win. The point was the fight itself!
And...it was hott. He would lift me up and throw me down like I weighed nothing. I would kick him and put my elbow to his throat. We would be panting and sweating. I would push him away with all my strength, but still he would get closer and closer until...the kiss. Then he would pull away and let me get up and the fight would be on again!
I fought until every ounce of strength was sapped out of me, and I laid exhausted on the couch. I was content. I was happy. (I was turned on.)
I told Danny that Katie-Ashley makes me jealous. He looked confused and asked why.
"Because you like her."
I expected a sort of awkward response in return, I wasn't really fishing for anything, just being honest.
"Yeah, but it's not like I like you."
That answer quite satisfied me.
Last night I had my first panic attack since my birthday. I don't know why it -- that reminds me, I forgot to take my meds this morning. Be right back...
...Okay maybe I do know why it happened. I have been taking my meds sort of irregularly lately.
There was no real reason for it. Just my crazy.
Today on my break from work I sat down by the little children's area at the mall, just to sit and have a little breather.
There was the most beautiful little boy I've ever seen. He had just learned to walk, and was still shakey at it. But he had the most beautiful wide-blue eyes. He looked at everything with wonder. Then he stopped right in front of me, and looked me straight in the eyes, with a stronger gaze than any adult I can possibly think of. He looked so happy and content, as if he knew the answer to the riddle. He looked exactly like an angel, a cherub the way the Renaissance painters imagined them. I was absolutely awestruck.
I want a child really bad. Not right now, obviously, otherwise I could make that happen in a pinch. But everytime I go to Disneyland, or just see beautiful little children around, I get this incredibly longing in my chest to hold them and take care of them. I guess this is a maternal instinct. I shudder to think how strong this feeling will be when my clock starts ticking.
I wonder if I want a child so much because of my animal instincts to procreate and ensure the survival of my species/genes.
Or, perhaps because I want to be a child so much. I want that innocence and wonder.
Or maybe it's some sort of psycho-freudian thing pertaining to my need to create love in my life to replace the love that I did not receive from my parents.
Or maybe it's 'cause they're so darn cute.
Whatever. There will be time for that later. I feel so old in some ways. So mixmatched and disoriented.
And...it was hott. He would lift me up and throw me down like I weighed nothing. I would kick him and put my elbow to his throat. We would be panting and sweating. I would push him away with all my strength, but still he would get closer and closer until...the kiss. Then he would pull away and let me get up and the fight would be on again!
I fought until every ounce of strength was sapped out of me, and I laid exhausted on the couch. I was content. I was happy. (I was turned on.)
I told Danny that Katie-Ashley makes me jealous. He looked confused and asked why.
"Because you like her."
I expected a sort of awkward response in return, I wasn't really fishing for anything, just being honest.
"Yeah, but it's not like I like you."
That answer quite satisfied me.
Last night I had my first panic attack since my birthday. I don't know why it -- that reminds me, I forgot to take my meds this morning. Be right back...
...Okay maybe I do know why it happened. I have been taking my meds sort of irregularly lately.
There was no real reason for it. Just my crazy.
Today on my break from work I sat down by the little children's area at the mall, just to sit and have a little breather.
There was the most beautiful little boy I've ever seen. He had just learned to walk, and was still shakey at it. But he had the most beautiful wide-blue eyes. He looked at everything with wonder. Then he stopped right in front of me, and looked me straight in the eyes, with a stronger gaze than any adult I can possibly think of. He looked so happy and content, as if he knew the answer to the riddle. He looked exactly like an angel, a cherub the way the Renaissance painters imagined them. I was absolutely awestruck.
I want a child really bad. Not right now, obviously, otherwise I could make that happen in a pinch. But everytime I go to Disneyland, or just see beautiful little children around, I get this incredibly longing in my chest to hold them and take care of them. I guess this is a maternal instinct. I shudder to think how strong this feeling will be when my clock starts ticking.
I wonder if I want a child so much because of my animal instincts to procreate and ensure the survival of my species/genes.
Or, perhaps because I want to be a child so much. I want that innocence and wonder.
Or maybe it's some sort of psycho-freudian thing pertaining to my need to create love in my life to replace the love that I did not receive from my parents.
Or maybe it's 'cause they're so darn cute.
Whatever. There will be time for that later. I feel so old in some ways. So mixmatched and disoriented.