(no subject)
Warning: Tired rant at 3:30 in the fucking morning. Take nothing seriously (or only that which is absolutely brilliant).
so ive been doing better -- really this time. my meds are working better and better and there are moments of hope when i can see myself almost clearly again. things are still cloudy, i have a hard time focusing, but things feel real again, or as real as real ever was. i got a job, a job i like, and that makes me feel good; accomplished, deserving, older. i came home today and had a mediocre dinner, but one that was prepared with love by my boyfriend. i love my boyfriend and he loves me. so i dont know why sometimes i treat him not quite as well as he deserves.
later, i was horny. i'm horny a lot, particularly since tyler has been sleeping in my bed, because i don't really get satisfaction in such consistent abundance as i once did. tonight it took a long time for me to seduce him. ive always been good at seducing, but tyler has a wall - possibly from the medication, or possibly it is part of what makes him crazy in the first place. he does not get aroused like other people do. it takes longer than usual.
later, we have sex. i am on top, something i am not used to with tyler, because in the beginning, that would be an instant loss of erection. now he says, "i want you on top" so i comply (i always comply. i have a hard time saying no, it is a fault (not that i didn't want to this time)).
he is barely erect enough to enter me. i am moaning more in dismay than pleasure because i am worried that he is going to slip out of me as he has done many times before. but he stays.
later, his lips are parted and his eyes look almost sad, and he whispers (nearly pleading), "if you keep going, im going to cum". he is not wearing a condom because we are out. i am on the pill, and tyler can not physically "pull out" (he just can't). So I nod. I want this, I'm on my period, i fucking deserve it. as im riding him im thinking about how i deserve great sex, i deserve hard penises that i don't have to worry about.
i also look at his face, and to me it's so beautiful. its not typically beautiful, but his eyes are so pure, and he is so soft, that when he gets close i feel warm all over and i swell up and
all of a sudden i start to scream. i cant help it. my head is bursting open, everything melts away, and it hurts so good.
its the best orgasm i have had with tyler. it lasts for a long time. i enjoy it. i remain on top of him for some time, looking at him, enjoying that he is inside me, thinking that at least a part of him belongs to me, and while he's inside me anyway, he is mine.
i eventually get off of him (i wish i could keep him inside me, it feels so rich), and i am pleased at how my body feels, something that i haven't felt in a LONG time. that weak knees feeling. that bliss, everything is alright, senses hightened feeling.
i am happy.
"i feel bad," he says.
"why?" i ask, not even suspecting anything really because i feel so good.
"i masturbated earlier today using this," he motions to a massage bar" and i didn't clean off.
it takes me a few seconds to realize that means i have lavender scented massage soap up my vag. and for some reason i snap. i mean, it was nothing, absolutely nothing. but i don't say anything and i let myself fall off the bed. i pull a blanket over me, signalling that i am not sleeping with him tonight, and i want to cry. i refuse to go to him, even when he asks me sweetly what is wrong and tells me that he wants me to hold him.
why didn't i go? why even now am i in another room typing online about something that really doesn't matter to anyone anywhere?
i don't get it.
why do i feel bad over nothing?
i guess i get frustrated whenever he masturbates because it usually means no sex for 24 hours afterwards. also because he thinks about other women, but that is a stupid reason. when did i turn into this jealous girl?
i feel very jealous towards tyler whenever anything about other women comes up. it has occured to me to admit to myself that i might even want to marry him. not now, but in the future. if i believed in a one true love, he would be it, the one. i have thought about marrying him many times, but i have not told him, because i know it is not reciprocated. i know that next fall he is going to UCLA and he will leave me to pursue...other ventures. i am not assuming this, i know it because he told me.
i guess that makes me feel naked. empty. afraid. stupid. i feel stupid for needing him more than he needs me and for hurting about some things that he can't hurt about. and what am i supposed to do?
the only thing to do is to hurt, and hope. hope that he will grow to need me as he grew to love me. hope that i can get through pain with not so much difficulty. hope that i can find someone who makes me feel like tyler does again.
she sounds like i did. just in that single short paragraph, she sounded EXACTLY like i did. it hurts. i wish i could do something. i always wish i could do something (i am aware how much of a vague statement that is). but i really am helpless in the matter, which is sort of funny - not in a haha way, but in a if-there-were-a-god-this-would-be-his-sense-of-humor sort of way. now i could rant and rant but what good would that do? and ive been thinking about daniel still, and i hate him much less and a feel a bit less pain about what he's done to me; i've been trying to remember "everyone hurts" trying to remember how to love him.
this paragraph is leading me nowhere i want to go.
i was at ryan's two nights ago. there were candles and incense and hookah and white zinfandel and friends and techno music, and it made me feel *alive* again. it sparked this feeling in me that made me want to just dance and make out and do drugs and strip and have sex with gorgeous people i don't know, so i asked for a cigarette. then i took my glass of white zinfandel into stephen's emptry room (i didn't want to smoke pot).
i sat on the bed. the room was dark except for the computer screen, so there was only a faint blue-ish tint to the room. i was feeling content but wanting. i heard danny say he was going to sleep. i remained sitting there and then acted surprised when danny came in.
we laid together, letting our hands flow together as they do, creating stories, dancing like that piece on the ouiji board, where neither one of us is in control. i enjoyed his smell, different from tyler's, and the size and shape of his body, different from tyler's. we started touchin harder, breathing heavier, when we heard tyler say something funny in the other room and the mood was broken.
i held onto danny as he drifted to sleep, and kissed him goodnight.
he had called me "insane". then "demented." i smiled. then a " CRAZY BITCH!"
these weren't offensive things to me. he said them with a twinkle in his eye like they spoke his desire. he was referring back to a night spent together, making an allusion (if you will) to when he called me insane while on top of me.
it made me happy.
i feel very confined. very confused and lost. misguided. weak still. dependant on tyler. unsure of what exactly i want and unmotivated about getting it.
i want to kiss you and keep you safe. your beauty is too great to be tainted, but still
i want to protect you (you fit so nicely in my arms)
but if you wander i will have to accept it.
if you hurt i will cry for you, i wont blame you.
i feel like a nagging mother "put on your sweater, you'll catch cold" overandoverandover
and for that i am sorry.
i guess mothers nag because they care, and at least some of them have acquired wisdom with age.
i envy you in a way.
but i think i will have to force myself to withdraw and stop trying to affect you
like a motherbird letting her little babies fly for the first time
they might fall
and break their little wings.
the motherbird's heart breaks when her babies jump away, but there she remains, in her nest
so i will do the same.
just the same, you are a beautiful woman
and regardless of whatever
you still have a radiant smile and a beautiful brain and you smell like your name
and you fit so nicely in my arms.
i'm going to go sleep on the floor now.
so ive been doing better -- really this time. my meds are working better and better and there are moments of hope when i can see myself almost clearly again. things are still cloudy, i have a hard time focusing, but things feel real again, or as real as real ever was. i got a job, a job i like, and that makes me feel good; accomplished, deserving, older. i came home today and had a mediocre dinner, but one that was prepared with love by my boyfriend. i love my boyfriend and he loves me. so i dont know why sometimes i treat him not quite as well as he deserves.
later, i was horny. i'm horny a lot, particularly since tyler has been sleeping in my bed, because i don't really get satisfaction in such consistent abundance as i once did. tonight it took a long time for me to seduce him. ive always been good at seducing, but tyler has a wall - possibly from the medication, or possibly it is part of what makes him crazy in the first place. he does not get aroused like other people do. it takes longer than usual.
later, we have sex. i am on top, something i am not used to with tyler, because in the beginning, that would be an instant loss of erection. now he says, "i want you on top" so i comply (i always comply. i have a hard time saying no, it is a fault (not that i didn't want to this time)).
he is barely erect enough to enter me. i am moaning more in dismay than pleasure because i am worried that he is going to slip out of me as he has done many times before. but he stays.
later, his lips are parted and his eyes look almost sad, and he whispers (nearly pleading), "if you keep going, im going to cum". he is not wearing a condom because we are out. i am on the pill, and tyler can not physically "pull out" (he just can't). So I nod. I want this, I'm on my period, i fucking deserve it. as im riding him im thinking about how i deserve great sex, i deserve hard penises that i don't have to worry about.
i also look at his face, and to me it's so beautiful. its not typically beautiful, but his eyes are so pure, and he is so soft, that when he gets close i feel warm all over and i swell up and
all of a sudden i start to scream. i cant help it. my head is bursting open, everything melts away, and it hurts so good.
its the best orgasm i have had with tyler. it lasts for a long time. i enjoy it. i remain on top of him for some time, looking at him, enjoying that he is inside me, thinking that at least a part of him belongs to me, and while he's inside me anyway, he is mine.
i eventually get off of him (i wish i could keep him inside me, it feels so rich), and i am pleased at how my body feels, something that i haven't felt in a LONG time. that weak knees feeling. that bliss, everything is alright, senses hightened feeling.
i am happy.
"i feel bad," he says.
"why?" i ask, not even suspecting anything really because i feel so good.
"i masturbated earlier today using this," he motions to a massage bar" and i didn't clean off.
it takes me a few seconds to realize that means i have lavender scented massage soap up my vag. and for some reason i snap. i mean, it was nothing, absolutely nothing. but i don't say anything and i let myself fall off the bed. i pull a blanket over me, signalling that i am not sleeping with him tonight, and i want to cry. i refuse to go to him, even when he asks me sweetly what is wrong and tells me that he wants me to hold him.
why didn't i go? why even now am i in another room typing online about something that really doesn't matter to anyone anywhere?
i don't get it.
why do i feel bad over nothing?
i guess i get frustrated whenever he masturbates because it usually means no sex for 24 hours afterwards. also because he thinks about other women, but that is a stupid reason. when did i turn into this jealous girl?
i feel very jealous towards tyler whenever anything about other women comes up. it has occured to me to admit to myself that i might even want to marry him. not now, but in the future. if i believed in a one true love, he would be it, the one. i have thought about marrying him many times, but i have not told him, because i know it is not reciprocated. i know that next fall he is going to UCLA and he will leave me to pursue...other ventures. i am not assuming this, i know it because he told me.
i guess that makes me feel naked. empty. afraid. stupid. i feel stupid for needing him more than he needs me and for hurting about some things that he can't hurt about. and what am i supposed to do?
the only thing to do is to hurt, and hope. hope that he will grow to need me as he grew to love me. hope that i can get through pain with not so much difficulty. hope that i can find someone who makes me feel like tyler does again.
she sounds like i did. just in that single short paragraph, she sounded EXACTLY like i did. it hurts. i wish i could do something. i always wish i could do something (i am aware how much of a vague statement that is). but i really am helpless in the matter, which is sort of funny - not in a haha way, but in a if-there-were-a-god-this-would-be-his-sense-of-humor sort of way. now i could rant and rant but what good would that do? and ive been thinking about daniel still, and i hate him much less and a feel a bit less pain about what he's done to me; i've been trying to remember "everyone hurts" trying to remember how to love him.
this paragraph is leading me nowhere i want to go.
i was at ryan's two nights ago. there were candles and incense and hookah and white zinfandel and friends and techno music, and it made me feel *alive* again. it sparked this feeling in me that made me want to just dance and make out and do drugs and strip and have sex with gorgeous people i don't know, so i asked for a cigarette. then i took my glass of white zinfandel into stephen's emptry room (i didn't want to smoke pot).
i sat on the bed. the room was dark except for the computer screen, so there was only a faint blue-ish tint to the room. i was feeling content but wanting. i heard danny say he was going to sleep. i remained sitting there and then acted surprised when danny came in.
we laid together, letting our hands flow together as they do, creating stories, dancing like that piece on the ouiji board, where neither one of us is in control. i enjoyed his smell, different from tyler's, and the size and shape of his body, different from tyler's. we started touchin harder, breathing heavier, when we heard tyler say something funny in the other room and the mood was broken.
i held onto danny as he drifted to sleep, and kissed him goodnight.
he had called me "insane". then "demented." i smiled. then a " CRAZY BITCH!"
these weren't offensive things to me. he said them with a twinkle in his eye like they spoke his desire. he was referring back to a night spent together, making an allusion (if you will) to when he called me insane while on top of me.
it made me happy.
i feel very confined. very confused and lost. misguided. weak still. dependant on tyler. unsure of what exactly i want and unmotivated about getting it.
i want to kiss you and keep you safe. your beauty is too great to be tainted, but still
i want to protect you (you fit so nicely in my arms)
but if you wander i will have to accept it.
if you hurt i will cry for you, i wont blame you.
i feel like a nagging mother "put on your sweater, you'll catch cold" overandoverandover
and for that i am sorry.
i guess mothers nag because they care, and at least some of them have acquired wisdom with age.
i envy you in a way.
but i think i will have to force myself to withdraw and stop trying to affect you
like a motherbird letting her little babies fly for the first time
they might fall
and break their little wings.
the motherbird's heart breaks when her babies jump away, but there she remains, in her nest
so i will do the same.
just the same, you are a beautiful woman
and regardless of whatever
you still have a radiant smile and a beautiful brain and you smell like your name
and you fit so nicely in my arms.
i'm going to go sleep on the floor now.