(no subject)
It's been completely unintentional, but I've really been getting in touch with my "feminine side" a lot lately.
First with the Vagina Monologues, in which every hour of rehearsal was completely super-saturated with estrogen.
Now I've been hired at Victoria's Secret, a store with 99% of employees and customers being women, a store dedicated to the beauty/sexy needs of a woman, and which require their employees to wear make-up, have their hair done, and look pretty chic.
I've realized all this, but today was the last straw. I had to take a break from reading 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' (because it's SO BORING), so I picked up one of the books I stole called 'Guilty Pleasures', a compilation of short stories in concordance to the title. What I didn't realize is that all of the stories were written by women. The first story is even intitled, "The Ideal Lovers: Shoes!"
I was repulsed.
I mean, I like women. I do. Obviously. They're beautiful. And in a sense, a very literal one, I'm very attracted to them.
But I do not belong with them, all primped and shallow and...urgh!
I mean...women are so...STUPID!
I know that's an incredibly gross generalization. But such a large percentage of women that I meet really are very unintelligent, or extremely shallow or vain or have really fucked up priorities.
And women who are intelligent -- so many of them waste it on pretending to be unintelligent to attract men. That or being uber-feminist.
Now a truly intelligent woman is like a jewel in the sand. I adore intelligent women. Women with obvious brains and who can be equal to men, without trying to assert themselves as better than them. And physically, women can be breathtaking. But I got over the phase of just being attracted to bodies awhile ago. Now I need something more full and lasting.
I can see it in me, me being influenced and becoming more of a...woman. I shudder at the thought.
I can see myself spending more time thinking about how I look in clothes rather than the beauty of the clothes themselves. I worry about shaving my legs even though I am left with INTOLERABLE razor-burn.
I have been using the word "like" far too frequently recently.
And I can even see myself becoming more demanding and bitchy towards Tyler.
I don't like it. No sir, not one bit.
I HATE shaving my legs. I HATE saying the word "Like". I DON'T CARE ABOUT FUCKING VAGINAS. WE ALL HAVE ONE. THAT'S ABOUT IT. GET OVER IT. Women are NOT superior to men (or inferior). We're the same, but we seperate ourselves!
But I don't.
I have always made friends with boys much easier than girls. I have always been far more comfortable with boys than girls throughout my life. I mean, at one point I was in the Girl Scouts, I admit. But during recess and lunch I would still be the only girl playing handball with all the boys. And I was good too, I could beat most of them.
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a boy. I mean that completely seriously, even though I did use it as a stand-up act. I liked boy things, wore boy clothes, didn't want to birth children, and just thought a penis would be superior in every sense.
When I masturbate, a lot of the time I run my fingers up and down the vibrator to simulate jerking off. I imagine a girl sucking me off, or fucking her from behind.
I have the sex drive of a man.
When I am talking to a woman I am attracted to, I even imagine myself as a man. An awkward, tall, slightly heavy-set man.
In my dreams sometimes I am a man.
In my circle of close friends, most of my guy friends treat me as another guy. They talk to me like they talk to each other. We can talk about 'chics' together. They feel more comfortable with me.
Conversely, I feel very awkward around girls. I have VERY few girl friends. All of them are intelligent, and most of them have some manly quality about them, whether it's bisexuality/lesbianism, a huge sex drive, or lack of shallowness.
Sometimes I catch myself worrying about my hair in the rain. My hair in the rain! Can you believe it?
I've also been acting way too "cute" lately, and I hate it.
You know what I miss?
Physicality. Carnality. Blunt desire. Undone hair and unmanicured hands and big dirty feet! No makeup and unshaved legs. Swords. Bloodlust. Video games. Snakes. Airsofting. Shinai fighting. Big, baggy pants. Unflattering shirts. Vests. Ties. Hard alcohol, none of those fruity drinks. Open sexuality. Handball. PEEING STANDING UP!
I have had just enough of this whole "estrogen" thing. I'm tired of uninformed gossip and comparing makeup and complaining about men and thongs and body weight and "I'm on a diet". Fuck diets. Fuck this shit!
I'm done with it. Time to reconnect with the myself who is not hott or cute or full of fucking estrogen.
First with the Vagina Monologues, in which every hour of rehearsal was completely super-saturated with estrogen.
Now I've been hired at Victoria's Secret, a store with 99% of employees and customers being women, a store dedicated to the beauty/sexy needs of a woman, and which require their employees to wear make-up, have their hair done, and look pretty chic.
I've realized all this, but today was the last straw. I had to take a break from reading 'The Hunchback of Notre Dame' (because it's SO BORING), so I picked up one of the books I stole called 'Guilty Pleasures', a compilation of short stories in concordance to the title. What I didn't realize is that all of the stories were written by women. The first story is even intitled, "The Ideal Lovers: Shoes!"
I was repulsed.
I mean, I like women. I do. Obviously. They're beautiful. And in a sense, a very literal one, I'm very attracted to them.
But I do not belong with them, all primped and shallow and...urgh!
I mean...women are so...STUPID!
I know that's an incredibly gross generalization. But such a large percentage of women that I meet really are very unintelligent, or extremely shallow or vain or have really fucked up priorities.
And women who are intelligent -- so many of them waste it on pretending to be unintelligent to attract men. That or being uber-feminist.
Now a truly intelligent woman is like a jewel in the sand. I adore intelligent women. Women with obvious brains and who can be equal to men, without trying to assert themselves as better than them. And physically, women can be breathtaking. But I got over the phase of just being attracted to bodies awhile ago. Now I need something more full and lasting.
I can see it in me, me being influenced and becoming more of a...woman. I shudder at the thought.
I can see myself spending more time thinking about how I look in clothes rather than the beauty of the clothes themselves. I worry about shaving my legs even though I am left with INTOLERABLE razor-burn.
I have been using the word "like" far too frequently recently.
And I can even see myself becoming more demanding and bitchy towards Tyler.
I don't like it. No sir, not one bit.
I HATE shaving my legs. I HATE saying the word "Like". I DON'T CARE ABOUT FUCKING VAGINAS. WE ALL HAVE ONE. THAT'S ABOUT IT. GET OVER IT. Women are NOT superior to men (or inferior). We're the same, but we seperate ourselves!
But I don't.
I have always made friends with boys much easier than girls. I have always been far more comfortable with boys than girls throughout my life. I mean, at one point I was in the Girl Scouts, I admit. But during recess and lunch I would still be the only girl playing handball with all the boys. And I was good too, I could beat most of them.
Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a boy. I mean that completely seriously, even though I did use it as a stand-up act. I liked boy things, wore boy clothes, didn't want to birth children, and just thought a penis would be superior in every sense.
When I masturbate, a lot of the time I run my fingers up and down the vibrator to simulate jerking off. I imagine a girl sucking me off, or fucking her from behind.
I have the sex drive of a man.
When I am talking to a woman I am attracted to, I even imagine myself as a man. An awkward, tall, slightly heavy-set man.
In my dreams sometimes I am a man.
In my circle of close friends, most of my guy friends treat me as another guy. They talk to me like they talk to each other. We can talk about 'chics' together. They feel more comfortable with me.
Conversely, I feel very awkward around girls. I have VERY few girl friends. All of them are intelligent, and most of them have some manly quality about them, whether it's bisexuality/lesbianism, a huge sex drive, or lack of shallowness.
Sometimes I catch myself worrying about my hair in the rain. My hair in the rain! Can you believe it?
I've also been acting way too "cute" lately, and I hate it.
You know what I miss?
Physicality. Carnality. Blunt desire. Undone hair and unmanicured hands and big dirty feet! No makeup and unshaved legs. Swords. Bloodlust. Video games. Snakes. Airsofting. Shinai fighting. Big, baggy pants. Unflattering shirts. Vests. Ties. Hard alcohol, none of those fruity drinks. Open sexuality. Handball. PEEING STANDING UP!
I have had just enough of this whole "estrogen" thing. I'm tired of uninformed gossip and comparing makeup and complaining about men and thongs and body weight and "I'm on a diet". Fuck diets. Fuck this shit!
I'm done with it. Time to reconnect with the myself who is not hott or cute or full of fucking estrogen.