Dec 25, 2013 23:44
I have only been in love three times in my life. I screwed up on all three relationships, two out if the three I did not care or shed a tear. I know I seem heartless but I felt nothing when those two failed. The last man, the man I still have feelings for is the most significant person with the most impact. I am so sorry. I feel so ashamed and broken that I have hurt you. I should have never done it, there is no excuse. I take full responsibility and will take all the consequences. I deserve all this pain. Even though others say I don't but I do. If I love you that much, why did I do it?
The answer is...I built our relationship on lies and was afraid to tell you the truth or least stop. I thought i would never feel strongly for you but i did. I did not open my heart to you 100% while you opened up yourself and your life to me 100%. I was and still am being unfair to you. I went too far and I hurt you in the process. I hope this journal will help me heal and least help me forgive myself but I know I will never forgive myself.
I also hope our separation will let us move on. I am sorry I cannot be friends, we are both significant to each other lives but i will be hurt and not be able to move on with us being friends.
It's been years since I have used or logged into my livejournal. I just spent 20 minutes looking back at all my journals. I was least 15 years old when I first started my livejournal and what can I say? My writing style and grammar has changed dramatically since high school. At the moment, I'm finding it really funny reading back to all those entries.
Why do I find it funny? Because I bitched a lot as a teenager. Some entries were just plain bully tactics, hurtful words and just a bitch session. I don't know if this is normal in the first place, I presume it is normal for teenagers to bitch and whine in high school. That was the time if great change and discovery. Enough of that, I cannot bring myself to read more of my stupid entries. Some of them were quite embarrassing and regret writing them (glad they were private)
I decided to make an entry to help me with my recent breakup. This failed relationship with a certain man is very significant and for some reason I cannot find anyway to forgive myself. Even though he forgave me. To make the story short, I lied and manipulated and hurt the one I genuinely have feelings for. I did not type "had" because I still have those feelings. But I'm hoping with time I will eventually stop having these feelings. This is the first time a relationship had a significant impact. My world fell apart and felt both physical and emotional pain at the same time. I guess this is how my previous ex boyfriends felt when I broke their hearts.
I searched through google on "how to get over break ups" during my sleepless nights. One site mentioned I should write things in a journal and I immediately thought of my livejournal. I've always been a private person, closed my personal and family life from the internet world or online people. But I'll try to make these journals public if I can.
I do not know where to start. Many things happened this year and I felt this was the shittiest year ever. But I will learn and grow from the experience. Hopefully I'll be a better person next year (2014). I'll slowly reveal the events along with thoughts and feelings in linear or "time line" instead of tangents. I'm going to try and sleep before work. I'll think about what to write
By the way Merry Christmas, I worked today and tomorrow too (Boxing Day)