Day 1
I don't know if anyone goes to my livejournal anymore...maybe that's what I like about coming back to this...only a small few come across it...
So we broke up yesterday and...well...so many things are going through my head. I don't even know where to begin. I'm hurt, frustrated, confused, hurt, devastated, mad, depressed, hurt, dumbstruck, numb...oh and did I mention I'm hurt?
So interesting how I thought he was this amazing person...flawless in a sense where all his flaws and my flaws complimented each other and always brought us back to the foundation of it all which was...love. Love between me and him. But underneath it all I was dating someone who has been terrified of commitment. He won't admit to that...and hell he'd probably deny it to the Nth degree...but when I sit here and really think about it...the simple explanation is that he can't commit.
He did this exact same thing EXACTLY one year ago a few days after our anniversary. Same circumnstances, same excuses, same sob story, same blaming and pointing fingers, same guilt trip...and in the end no "I love you. I love you enough to fight for us...to WORK on things because that's WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE...WORK!" I told him this both times...and I rec'd nothing in return but an "I dunno...I dunno. I'm just not feeling this anymore"...but this time I took back the power...and I said "I don't deserve to be in a relationship where I'm not wanted or valued enough."
And with that...I told him to never call me, never message me, never email me, never text me, never see me...ever...again. "I want nothing to do with you. If you don't want me, then there's no point in waiting around for you to change your mind. I rather have nothing with you and attempt to move on as clean as possible than to play tag and hold on to some false hope and let my spirit die along with the idea of what we could have had or could have been."
Its been almost 30 hours since we broke up...and I'm hating this empty feeling...I'm hating the mental battle blaring in my brain...should we get back together or not? Has my trust been broken? Would he do this to me AGAIN a year from now? Will he ever realize how much work really goes into a relationship and that the work never stops but that those battles are what strengthens the relationship? Has he lost faith in himself...in me...in US? Will he ever truly commit to me? CAN he ever truly commit to me? Could he ever truly love me...unconditionally?
Is he..."the one"? And now, I'm not so sure anymore...and this is THE first time in our two years together that I've ever questioned...but could you really blame me?
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." ~Proverbs 3:5,6
So we broke up yesterday and...well...so many things are going through my head. I don't even know where to begin. I'm hurt, frustrated, confused, hurt, devastated, mad, depressed, hurt, dumbstruck, numb...oh and did I mention I'm hurt?
So interesting how I thought he was this amazing person...flawless in a sense where all his flaws and my flaws complimented each other and always brought us back to the foundation of it all which was...love. Love between me and him. But underneath it all I was dating someone who has been terrified of commitment. He won't admit to that...and hell he'd probably deny it to the Nth degree...but when I sit here and really think about it...the simple explanation is that he can't commit.
He did this exact same thing EXACTLY one year ago a few days after our anniversary. Same circumnstances, same excuses, same sob story, same blaming and pointing fingers, same guilt trip...and in the end no "I love you. I love you enough to fight for us...to WORK on things because that's WHAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE...WORK!" I told him this both times...and I rec'd nothing in return but an "I dunno...I dunno. I'm just not feeling this anymore"...but this time I took back the power...and I said "I don't deserve to be in a relationship where I'm not wanted or valued enough."
And with that...I told him to never call me, never message me, never email me, never text me, never see me...ever...again. "I want nothing to do with you. If you don't want me, then there's no point in waiting around for you to change your mind. I rather have nothing with you and attempt to move on as clean as possible than to play tag and hold on to some false hope and let my spirit die along with the idea of what we could have had or could have been."
Its been almost 30 hours since we broke up...and I'm hating this empty feeling...I'm hating the mental battle blaring in my brain...should we get back together or not? Has my trust been broken? Would he do this to me AGAIN a year from now? Will he ever realize how much work really goes into a relationship and that the work never stops but that those battles are what strengthens the relationship? Has he lost faith in himself...in me...in US? Will he ever truly commit to me? CAN he ever truly commit to me? Could he ever truly love me...unconditionally?
Is he..."the one"? And now, I'm not so sure anymore...and this is THE first time in our two years together that I've ever questioned...but could you really blame me?
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding. In all ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." ~Proverbs 3:5,6