Selfishness vs. Freedom
Selfishness.
Is that what I'm being because I want to get a personal trainer for 3-6 months at $450/month for 10 sessions per month?
True. I have debt. True. I want to help my parents out with the rent. True I need to save money in case I need to move at a whim's end because of a radio opportunity. True. I could spend my money on things that "truly" matter.
I fight with my physical image on the daily. It's not healthy. I absolutely hate being a prisoner in my own self defeating thoughts. It's hard to have the self image issues that I've been struggling with since Jr. High and to just "deal with them" on my own. Meaning...well...how about this:
An alcoholic. Someone who has sought the "comfort" of alcohol for YEARS and finally comes to a point where they hate it. They hate themselves for becoming this unhealthy and "harsh" individual. Is it realistic to say that they can fight the addiction and become sober ON THEIR OWN? Or is it more realistic to say that they need that extra support to get back on the straight path?
People dish out tons of money to go to rehab...to REHABILITATE themselves, body spirit and mind. There are people all over the world that spend money to ehlp get their life back on a manageable path.
Now, I know I'm trying to validate my desire to look and feel healthy. I just don't want to be a slave anymore. And right now, I feel like I don't enough discipline or drive to "do it on my own". So if someone who is certified and experienced to help give that little push that I need...at a price...then I feel it's worth it.
I want to be able to push my self esteem issues aside but it's difficult. I know that there are other things going on in my life that need much more priority than "the way I look", but the truth of the matter is that right now...I'm depressed. And as "pathetic" as that sounds, it's true. Given, getting a personal trainer/nutritionist for 3-4 months and seeing the results I want is not necessarily going to give me perfect unflawless bliss BUT my goal is to get into a routine where I can look at healthy eating and exercise as a part of my daily life that just comes second nature. I know that that's very possible and for me, if spending that extra money for a few months is going to help me get that freedom that I long for and give me that spring of hope back into that aspect of my life, then I think it's worth it.
I know it's a big investment and in some ways I am being selfish for wanting to go through with this but at this point...I'm starting to feel desperate and when I start to feel that way, things get a little...dangerous. I don't want to re-live my "past"...as much as I am removed from it, it's still lingers on my mind and I want to be free of that.
We'll see what happens...I know I have a month and a half to think about it. A month and a half to do this ON MY OWN and see where I go from here.
Thanks for letting me vent...
Is that what I'm being because I want to get a personal trainer for 3-6 months at $450/month for 10 sessions per month?
True. I have debt. True. I want to help my parents out with the rent. True I need to save money in case I need to move at a whim's end because of a radio opportunity. True. I could spend my money on things that "truly" matter.
I fight with my physical image on the daily. It's not healthy. I absolutely hate being a prisoner in my own self defeating thoughts. It's hard to have the self image issues that I've been struggling with since Jr. High and to just "deal with them" on my own. Meaning...well...how about this:
An alcoholic. Someone who has sought the "comfort" of alcohol for YEARS and finally comes to a point where they hate it. They hate themselves for becoming this unhealthy and "harsh" individual. Is it realistic to say that they can fight the addiction and become sober ON THEIR OWN? Or is it more realistic to say that they need that extra support to get back on the straight path?
People dish out tons of money to go to rehab...to REHABILITATE themselves, body spirit and mind. There are people all over the world that spend money to ehlp get their life back on a manageable path.
Now, I know I'm trying to validate my desire to look and feel healthy. I just don't want to be a slave anymore. And right now, I feel like I don't enough discipline or drive to "do it on my own". So if someone who is certified and experienced to help give that little push that I need...at a price...then I feel it's worth it.
I want to be able to push my self esteem issues aside but it's difficult. I know that there are other things going on in my life that need much more priority than "the way I look", but the truth of the matter is that right now...I'm depressed. And as "pathetic" as that sounds, it's true. Given, getting a personal trainer/nutritionist for 3-4 months and seeing the results I want is not necessarily going to give me perfect unflawless bliss BUT my goal is to get into a routine where I can look at healthy eating and exercise as a part of my daily life that just comes second nature. I know that that's very possible and for me, if spending that extra money for a few months is going to help me get that freedom that I long for and give me that spring of hope back into that aspect of my life, then I think it's worth it.
I know it's a big investment and in some ways I am being selfish for wanting to go through with this but at this point...I'm starting to feel desperate and when I start to feel that way, things get a little...dangerous. I don't want to re-live my "past"...as much as I am removed from it, it's still lingers on my mind and I want to be free of that.
We'll see what happens...I know I have a month and a half to think about it. A month and a half to do this ON MY OWN and see where I go from here.
Thanks for letting me vent...