[MM] Linkin' Park Lyrics
don't want to reach for me do you
i mean nothing to you
the little things you give away
and now there will be no mistaking
the levees are breaking
Dean only moved for meals, and when he did, he always brought something back for Sam. He would crack the door just enough to slide the tray through with the beer and the sandwich sitting on it, before slamming the door closed again, before his brother could fight him to get out. This particular morning had a book. Not that he thought that Sam would be able to read through the withdrawal, but on the off chance that he could-it was something to do. Dean was trying, trying because he didn’t know what else to do.
Usually he just sat in silence on the floor next to the door, his back pressed against it and a bottle of beer in his hand. Today, however, wasn’t a normal day. Today was Sam’s birthday, and while Dean felt like shit for doing this to him, he really didn’t have a choice. Someone needed to save Sam from himself, and until he was sure that his brother was his brother again, he wasn’t moving from this spot, and neither was Sam.
He closed his eyes as he leaned his head back against the door, soaking in the silence of the room. Sam had stopped screaming a while ago, which either meant that he was taking a break or he was getting some sleep, Dean wasn’t sure which. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that this was a crappy way to do things, but he didn’t have a choice. He didn’t have a choice. That was the mantra that was shooting through his mind over and over again, and he didn’t know how to fix it.
It wasn’t long before the silence got to be too heavy. Dean wasn’t sure how he started talking or found something to talk about, but his mouth just started working of it’s own accord, spilling out a stream of words that he didn’t know if it made any sense but he was hoping that it did.
“Remember that time at Pastor Jim’s-you had just turned seven and decided that if you couldn’t have any other pet you at least wanted a goldfish. He promised that he’d take you down to the county fair for your birthday, and when you got there you took my hand and dragged me all over those fairgrounds looking for a damn booth that was giving away goldfish as a prize. You figured that if you won it, Dad would have to let you keep it. We spent all day going from booth to booth trying to find someone who was giving them away, and no dice.” He paused for a moment, before looking down at the bottle in his hand again but the tone changed as a bit of a smile crossed his face. “Wound up spending all my fair money at one of the games just to win you the biggest prize I could find-which just so happened to be a humongous stuffed goldfish. Should of seen the look on your face when I brought it over. You lit up like a Christmas tree.”
He was quiet again for a long time, and his tone dropped again. “I miss you, Sammy. I miss my pain in the ass little brother whose ass I have to save on a regular basis. I miss just-not fighting all the friggin’ time, and I know that things have changed, I know that we’ve changed, but-” His voice trailed off, and he moved a hand up to swipe at his face, his hand coming back wet. He didn’t know when he’d started crying all the time, but this seemed to be the way things went now, so he might as well roll with it. “-I just wish you would have come to me, instead of Ruby. We could have done this together-just like we always have-instead of me having to do this.”
Maybe it was just him. Maybe he was the reason that everyone in his life kept leaving him. Maybe he just wasn’t worth the time and effort and what Sam said before was true. He was too slow, too weak. Not enough. Maybe that had been the demon blood talking, and when this was over Sam would come out the other side and be the brother he remembered again, and maybe he wouldn’t. In the end, Dean wasn’t sure it mattered-he was probably going to die from this whole mess anyway. But if this was how he was going to spend his last days, he would spend it trying to save his brother. Because that was the only job he’d always had-save Sam. Maybe, for once, he would finally get it right.
He took another swig off his beer, before leaning back against the door again. “You’ll always have me, alright? No matter what happens, no matter where things go from here-I’m always going to be your brother. I’m always gonna help you. Okay?”
He wasn’t expecting a response. In fact, he would be surprised if Sam had anything to say to him other than curses and angry words but for now, he would take it. Anger was better than nothing at all.
Always was.
874 words
i mean nothing to you
the little things you give away
and now there will be no mistaking
the levees are breaking
Dean only moved for meals, and when he did, he always brought something back for Sam. He would crack the door just enough to slide the tray through with the beer and the sandwich sitting on it, before slamming the door closed again, before his brother could fight him to get out. This particular morning had a book. Not that he thought that Sam would be able to read through the withdrawal, but on the off chance that he could-it was something to do. Dean was trying, trying because he didn’t know what else to do.
Usually he just sat in silence on the floor next to the door, his back pressed against it and a bottle of beer in his hand. Today, however, wasn’t a normal day. Today was Sam’s birthday, and while Dean felt like shit for doing this to him, he really didn’t have a choice. Someone needed to save Sam from himself, and until he was sure that his brother was his brother again, he wasn’t moving from this spot, and neither was Sam.
He closed his eyes as he leaned his head back against the door, soaking in the silence of the room. Sam had stopped screaming a while ago, which either meant that he was taking a break or he was getting some sleep, Dean wasn’t sure which. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that this was a crappy way to do things, but he didn’t have a choice. He didn’t have a choice. That was the mantra that was shooting through his mind over and over again, and he didn’t know how to fix it.
It wasn’t long before the silence got to be too heavy. Dean wasn’t sure how he started talking or found something to talk about, but his mouth just started working of it’s own accord, spilling out a stream of words that he didn’t know if it made any sense but he was hoping that it did.
“Remember that time at Pastor Jim’s-you had just turned seven and decided that if you couldn’t have any other pet you at least wanted a goldfish. He promised that he’d take you down to the county fair for your birthday, and when you got there you took my hand and dragged me all over those fairgrounds looking for a damn booth that was giving away goldfish as a prize. You figured that if you won it, Dad would have to let you keep it. We spent all day going from booth to booth trying to find someone who was giving them away, and no dice.” He paused for a moment, before looking down at the bottle in his hand again but the tone changed as a bit of a smile crossed his face. “Wound up spending all my fair money at one of the games just to win you the biggest prize I could find-which just so happened to be a humongous stuffed goldfish. Should of seen the look on your face when I brought it over. You lit up like a Christmas tree.”
He was quiet again for a long time, and his tone dropped again. “I miss you, Sammy. I miss my pain in the ass little brother whose ass I have to save on a regular basis. I miss just-not fighting all the friggin’ time, and I know that things have changed, I know that we’ve changed, but-” His voice trailed off, and he moved a hand up to swipe at his face, his hand coming back wet. He didn’t know when he’d started crying all the time, but this seemed to be the way things went now, so he might as well roll with it. “-I just wish you would have come to me, instead of Ruby. We could have done this together-just like we always have-instead of me having to do this.”
Maybe it was just him. Maybe he was the reason that everyone in his life kept leaving him. Maybe he just wasn’t worth the time and effort and what Sam said before was true. He was too slow, too weak. Not enough. Maybe that had been the demon blood talking, and when this was over Sam would come out the other side and be the brother he remembered again, and maybe he wouldn’t. In the end, Dean wasn’t sure it mattered-he was probably going to die from this whole mess anyway. But if this was how he was going to spend his last days, he would spend it trying to save his brother. Because that was the only job he’d always had-save Sam. Maybe, for once, he would finally get it right.
He took another swig off his beer, before leaning back against the door again. “You’ll always have me, alright? No matter what happens, no matter where things go from here-I’m always going to be your brother. I’m always gonna help you. Okay?”
He wasn’t expecting a response. In fact, he would be surprised if Sam had anything to say to him other than curses and angry words but for now, he would take it. Anger was better than nothing at all.
Always was.
874 words