Fun with Father Issues
It is really weird to have a hard-ass father, with whom you rarely spent more than a week consecutively, now have a major mid-life crisis and have him want to deal with it through you. It isn't that I'm not glad he wants to level his keel or that I'm not glad I don't have to worry that his phone calls will result in me getting chewed out. I think it is more that part of me wants to be more selfish.
At various times I felt hurt because of the actions of my father. Some evil section of me occasionally feels like returning the favor. It isn't as though the infamous, and humorous at a distance, stories have scarred my existence. Nor do I have a shortage of reasons to be thankful that my father has tried to be an influence in my life. He has also expended substantial financial resources to help fund my undergraduate and law school educations.
All I know now is that there is some percentage of me... definitely small, maybe double digits, that would rather say "Sorry, I'm busy now" or "here is a list of things you need to change about yourself." I suppose those things would be easier for me in a selfish, short-term sense, but at the same time it would make no sense. Setting aside all the reasons why I should be thankful for a moment, what would be the point in kicking a man who is down for the first time in decades merely out of some juvenile temper tantrum? Wow, I've proved I can be as much of a dick as I thought you were on certain occasions. What a great guy I have grown up to be...
Jerry is someone who made a point of never caring what someone else thought, especially after his second divorce (happened when I was 15-16). He dictated what was to be and if I said anything to the contrary I got the hammer, complete with monetary threats and cutting language that made cynical me sound like a kindergarten teacher. I basically accepted this as a fact of life and had ever so much fun trying to predict when the volcano would erupt so that I could do my best to shield myself. Things improved shortly after I got my LSAT score and further improved as I made law school plans. I think everything was better when there was something about me worth bragging about to friends.
Now Jerry is torn up. At 52 he realizes that he isn't perfectly happy despite achieving many of his life-long goals. He has no living parents, a distant sister, few friends, etc. Guess who is the one who must now be the support on which he wishes to rebuild? It isn't that this won't improve his life and mine via ripple effect.
I guess it feels fundamentally unfair to me that I should be the one to bear this load when I've been the one person under his whimsical and capricious verbal and emotional thrashings for almost a decade. Of course you don't have many friends with which to talk about this if this your standard way of treating people, and no wonder you choose harmful girlfriends when you prioritize your life in a way I've never seen duplicated. The only person who had no choice but to take everything you felt like dishing out when life wasn't perfect to you now is the person on whom you want to rely. It isn't so much ironic as it is brutal reality.
I have two unfair choices. I can be unfair to him by not being helpful and appreciative of the good things he's given me... not to mention the whole social/family obligation angle. That choice only makes me as bad or worse as any part or action of him/his I've vilified in my mind. It would be the person with power inflicting pain for personal reasons only because the situation has allowed it. The other option is to be the "good" person and basically ignore his actions toward me in similar situations, or at least similar emotional states. This seems a little unfair because I must be the one to assume the costs. It is a little selfish to think in such terms but let's be realistic... everyone has problems. What makes it one's duty to deal with another's problems? Personal choice (spouse, children, friends) is one thing. Family obligation is another societal creature. I am a bad person for not accepting the costs of the social bond that exists purely because of external social decorum.
As I laid out earlier, I never really seriously considered not being supportive, more available and generally helpful. The percentage of me with any desire to truly be mean is low. In case of curiosity, the two songs by Del Shannon that have been looping strike me as interesting for the journal entry. While set in the tone and lyrics of 1960-1961 pop love songs, song 1 basically laments why the other person has inflicted pain upon the singer. Song 2 joyfully gloats over the fact that the other person was hurt just as bad as the singer had been but still asks for the other person to return (albeit less emphatically than "HA ha").
At various times I felt hurt because of the actions of my father. Some evil section of me occasionally feels like returning the favor. It isn't as though the infamous, and humorous at a distance, stories have scarred my existence. Nor do I have a shortage of reasons to be thankful that my father has tried to be an influence in my life. He has also expended substantial financial resources to help fund my undergraduate and law school educations.
All I know now is that there is some percentage of me... definitely small, maybe double digits, that would rather say "Sorry, I'm busy now" or "here is a list of things you need to change about yourself." I suppose those things would be easier for me in a selfish, short-term sense, but at the same time it would make no sense. Setting aside all the reasons why I should be thankful for a moment, what would be the point in kicking a man who is down for the first time in decades merely out of some juvenile temper tantrum? Wow, I've proved I can be as much of a dick as I thought you were on certain occasions. What a great guy I have grown up to be...
Jerry is someone who made a point of never caring what someone else thought, especially after his second divorce (happened when I was 15-16). He dictated what was to be and if I said anything to the contrary I got the hammer, complete with monetary threats and cutting language that made cynical me sound like a kindergarten teacher. I basically accepted this as a fact of life and had ever so much fun trying to predict when the volcano would erupt so that I could do my best to shield myself. Things improved shortly after I got my LSAT score and further improved as I made law school plans. I think everything was better when there was something about me worth bragging about to friends.
Now Jerry is torn up. At 52 he realizes that he isn't perfectly happy despite achieving many of his life-long goals. He has no living parents, a distant sister, few friends, etc. Guess who is the one who must now be the support on which he wishes to rebuild? It isn't that this won't improve his life and mine via ripple effect.
I guess it feels fundamentally unfair to me that I should be the one to bear this load when I've been the one person under his whimsical and capricious verbal and emotional thrashings for almost a decade. Of course you don't have many friends with which to talk about this if this your standard way of treating people, and no wonder you choose harmful girlfriends when you prioritize your life in a way I've never seen duplicated. The only person who had no choice but to take everything you felt like dishing out when life wasn't perfect to you now is the person on whom you want to rely. It isn't so much ironic as it is brutal reality.
I have two unfair choices. I can be unfair to him by not being helpful and appreciative of the good things he's given me... not to mention the whole social/family obligation angle. That choice only makes me as bad or worse as any part or action of him/his I've vilified in my mind. It would be the person with power inflicting pain for personal reasons only because the situation has allowed it. The other option is to be the "good" person and basically ignore his actions toward me in similar situations, or at least similar emotional states. This seems a little unfair because I must be the one to assume the costs. It is a little selfish to think in such terms but let's be realistic... everyone has problems. What makes it one's duty to deal with another's problems? Personal choice (spouse, children, friends) is one thing. Family obligation is another societal creature. I am a bad person for not accepting the costs of the social bond that exists purely because of external social decorum.
As I laid out earlier, I never really seriously considered not being supportive, more available and generally helpful. The percentage of me with any desire to truly be mean is low. In case of curiosity, the two songs by Del Shannon that have been looping strike me as interesting for the journal entry. While set in the tone and lyrics of 1960-1961 pop love songs, song 1 basically laments why the other person has inflicted pain upon the singer. Song 2 joyfully gloats over the fact that the other person was hurt just as bad as the singer had been but still asks for the other person to return (albeit less emphatically than "HA ha").