hmmm
So I thought I could do it. I thought I could get away. Let's just say I failed. You know me, I love being melodramatic. I love thinking that the fire's coming down in a whirlwind of fury, and that my life will turn around on a dime when I travel 300 miles to the north and take a new job. Naturally, oh so naturally, I was wrong. egh.
Thing is, I'm not sure if the principal will allow me to keep this livejournal (what if the students see it?! oh no! all my internal monologues! all my indecision! all my theological ravings! see how i will corrupt them!)...so that was part of the initial dramatic finish. But, like every movie that's too good for its own audience, my livejournal now gets a stupidly-directed sequel.
Ah, life. So I'm up in dallas, now. Did I mention that? This place is great, the family I'm living with is great, the school is great, the people are great, and I feel about as comfortable as my dad at a gay rights parade. Yeah. I don't really know what it is. It is a deeper psychological transition than I had expected, and my many quirks and strange characteristics didn't just fall away as I had hoped. No, I didn't become a new person as I had planned. Instead, I remain the same person, but in a new place. Now here's the deal, right? How to adapt my current self to this new place. It's a very good question. I don't really know.
for example, I've found a really good cycling route which goes down by a river and such. so that's a huge blessing. i've discovered I can now play guitar so much more freely than before. just in terms of writing songs and such...i'm not confined within masks of compromise and endurance through trials. i'm free, and in however you want to view this phrase, my soul--my inspiration, my thought, my song--is free as well.
but still i am restless, and concerned, and to the point of tears when i sit here. psychologically, can i do this? can i make this change? can i really be this person everyone is looking for? i need to completely turn around this sool technically, and i don't think people realize how much work this will take. besides that, i'm teaching SIX classes. not six sections, classes. i don't know what i'm doing. honestly, i don't. sure, yes, you know, i'll do fine, God is with me, the tides will come in, etc. i'll make it through, i know, i know. but right now, right here, i feel a bit less like Job's wife and a bit more like Job near the middle of the book, saying, basically, "what the hell?"
if this is God's plan for me, i have a very difficult time seeing the path laid at my feet. i want to do so many things, and now that i'm finally out the air force, i have NO idea how these things are going to happen. the place that i had rooted myself the last two years is now behind me, and with it -all- my musical contacts, friends, comfort. i need to get the CD stuff back up and running. i need to do this, do that, do whatever. it's true, i do. but, you know, i think i can get it. because aside from all the nonsense and all the catch phrases, well, somehow i know that Mystery of the Divine is blooming within my soul. what? how? i don't understand. blooming? maybe God is just chillin. but He -must- be here, the incomprehendable Divinity MUST be present, or what am I doing? i do not feel it currently. i feel frustration, confusion, tiredness, overwhelmingness. but i do not feel the touch of God. or perhaps i do and i'm ignoring it. i just don't know, friends. honestly, i don't.
but -i- can truly say that life is better here. indeed, in my mind, life is "good." i -do- have an enjoyable job, and a challenging one. i have a good group of aquaintances which will hopefully soon be friends, i live a few blocks from the school so i can walk daily, and there are great places to cycle. life is good. whether or not i'm sane. life's good. so, today, i will try to rejoice and be thankful for that. peace and love.
Thing is, I'm not sure if the principal will allow me to keep this livejournal (what if the students see it?! oh no! all my internal monologues! all my indecision! all my theological ravings! see how i will corrupt them!)...so that was part of the initial dramatic finish. But, like every movie that's too good for its own audience, my livejournal now gets a stupidly-directed sequel.
Ah, life. So I'm up in dallas, now. Did I mention that? This place is great, the family I'm living with is great, the school is great, the people are great, and I feel about as comfortable as my dad at a gay rights parade. Yeah. I don't really know what it is. It is a deeper psychological transition than I had expected, and my many quirks and strange characteristics didn't just fall away as I had hoped. No, I didn't become a new person as I had planned. Instead, I remain the same person, but in a new place. Now here's the deal, right? How to adapt my current self to this new place. It's a very good question. I don't really know.
for example, I've found a really good cycling route which goes down by a river and such. so that's a huge blessing. i've discovered I can now play guitar so much more freely than before. just in terms of writing songs and such...i'm not confined within masks of compromise and endurance through trials. i'm free, and in however you want to view this phrase, my soul--my inspiration, my thought, my song--is free as well.
but still i am restless, and concerned, and to the point of tears when i sit here. psychologically, can i do this? can i make this change? can i really be this person everyone is looking for? i need to completely turn around this sool technically, and i don't think people realize how much work this will take. besides that, i'm teaching SIX classes. not six sections, classes. i don't know what i'm doing. honestly, i don't. sure, yes, you know, i'll do fine, God is with me, the tides will come in, etc. i'll make it through, i know, i know. but right now, right here, i feel a bit less like Job's wife and a bit more like Job near the middle of the book, saying, basically, "what the hell?"
if this is God's plan for me, i have a very difficult time seeing the path laid at my feet. i want to do so many things, and now that i'm finally out the air force, i have NO idea how these things are going to happen. the place that i had rooted myself the last two years is now behind me, and with it -all- my musical contacts, friends, comfort. i need to get the CD stuff back up and running. i need to do this, do that, do whatever. it's true, i do. but, you know, i think i can get it. because aside from all the nonsense and all the catch phrases, well, somehow i know that Mystery of the Divine is blooming within my soul. what? how? i don't understand. blooming? maybe God is just chillin. but He -must- be here, the incomprehendable Divinity MUST be present, or what am I doing? i do not feel it currently. i feel frustration, confusion, tiredness, overwhelmingness. but i do not feel the touch of God. or perhaps i do and i'm ignoring it. i just don't know, friends. honestly, i don't.
but -i- can truly say that life is better here. indeed, in my mind, life is "good." i -do- have an enjoyable job, and a challenging one. i have a good group of aquaintances which will hopefully soon be friends, i live a few blocks from the school so i can walk daily, and there are great places to cycle. life is good. whether or not i'm sane. life's good. so, today, i will try to rejoice and be thankful for that. peace and love.